Random Scribblings

I miss him

It's been 2 months that I am away from him. And yet I can't get habituated to being away from him. There  hasn't been any day, any hour that my heart didn't ache while missing him.   Everything is still fresh in my head. Every last moment I spent with him is a clear memory in my head...

I remember how I had planned all minute details before meeting him. from dress that I would wear to first words I would say. But I also remember how I had forgotten everything, when I actually met him. can you believe I actually lost my balance and fell when I saw him. Damn it. It was super embarrassing. But also funny that  how I had ruined my chance to portray myself as strong, smart independent women without even really meeting him. well now I can at least say I 'fell' in love..

Next few moments were blur. I just remember him hugging me.And how I wanted to stay in his arms forever and complaint about every single moment that we had missed in last few months. I wanted to tell him how long distance really sucks and just kiss him till I can. I didn't care about crowd, my friends or anything. I just really only wanted him. And all other voices that were talking to me or demanding my attention were just noises for me. I had blocked everything in my head. All I could hear was voice in my head and 'Krati'. well what can I say. Best friend is best friend. Having her there in that special moment was bliss...though he immediately leaving wasn't really a bliss. I knew he was going away to buy my gift only. and it was only few hours. But can I fucking pull him into hug and steal him from world for hours.. Probably not.

Next few hours were hell and heaven. I remember how I asked my best friend's judgement on him. And getting heartbroken when she said that I only meant friend to him. nothing else. Collapsing my world might have been hell but herb holding hand through out was surely a heaven. I remember how she was trying to rebuilt my world that was shattering. And I also remember my reaction. How I just wanted to grab him, confront him and just like be super mad at him. I had decided it in a moment that, I'll meet him, take my gift and never ever look back at him. I was determined to walk away from him...

but then it was funny.. it was funny how , nothing happened. When I met him, I just remember getting drowned his voice and his kisses. I knew he was asking me something. But fuck. I couldn't concentrate on a thing. That day reality seemed like a dream. And I was busy living that dream. Though I just remember asking for explanation in between and getting valid answers. After that I was in my dreamland again. I was in his arms, in cuddles. Nothing could go wrong in that moment. Nothing.Well except his concerning questions about my recent surgery and well being. Can he just shut his lips and let me just sleep in his arms. or at least kiss me again. Well seems like he heard voices in my head.. Because I faintly remember he teasing me about being mischievous and pulling me into his world. Everything was just super blur in those moments except his forehead kisses. I just remember those amidst everything. just like his laughs.. I probably can't forget that ever.

Next thing I know was that we were in auto, going for my physiotherapy. Worrying if I was bothering him. Questions were bothering me. What if he doesn't want to be with me? what if he is annoyed because I forced him to come with me. But just then I noticed him looking at my hand with concern. He was worried if it's still paining. He had noticed subconscious changes in my expression and was instructing auto driver to drive slowly. His voice had raised. His temper was laced with a concern. AND I just melted. Melted into puddle of aww. I knew that he cared. But he was being vocal about him for the first time.

Next 2 hours passed within a blink. I remember him taking to my home even though he was scared of my parents.  I just wanted him to know about my world. I wanted him to know where I study, where I sleep, where I live. I remember telling him every minute detail and I remember his smile. I don't exactly recall how, but somewhere in between my friends had joined us. And next thing I knew was we were in auto. 

he had wrapped his arms around me and was playing with my hair. sometimes putting forehead kiss randomly. He was also talking to my another friend in auto but fuck I couldn't focus. Can we just pause this world and replay this moment forever? like please.

It was my farewell party that night. I was moving miles away from people I loved.  everything was so overwhelming. I wanted to break down but I also wanted to bid good-bye with smile. I remember telling him about this and I remember he trying to help me keep my promise entire night. how I wanted to cry while reading letter full of emotions from Sayali. Every memory mentioned was special. But even then I had noticed 'gossips about rosh' first. I wanted to cry but he was rubbing my back and whispering  'rona nahi' in soothing voice again and again. He held me in his arms that entire night till best moment came..

I had stolen him from world for one last walk...I took him somewhere and handed him letter that I had written previous night. I knew it was full of vulnerable emotions and insecurities. so I had turned away in order to avoid my guy. But in few moments after reading he had pulled me into crashing hug. his grip was so tight. And first time he actually paused world for me. we were into hug for I don't know how much time. All I know was his grip was getting tightened as if he was trying to hold onto time and me.  I don't really recall what he said after that. he was probably giving me reasons about why he love me so much and why I shouldn't be insecure. But I was busy saving that moment in my heart forever..

now night was gearing to End. And we were high on emotions.  Probably that's why my matured guy turned crazy and told random strangers that I am his girl. Or may be he really was high. Because I remember going him against his introvert nature and giving farewell speech on my behalf and telling my friends how special I am. It was so not him. Whoever that was, was super tempting. I had to control my urge to go on knees and propose him then and there....

But when we were alone, I couldn't control breaking down. I remember how he was tired and had slept in my nap. And how I was trying to hold onto my baby. I was  trying my best to stop time when alarm rang and it was his time to leave. I don't recall how much good-bye kisses I put and how many times I had pulled him back from door to stop him leaving.. But he had left. And I was back to place where he had left so many memories for me to collect.... I played on couch with aching heart replaying everything because sleep was far far away from me.......