Random Scribblings

betrayal

Betrayal

I saw him yesterday, holding her hand. Looking at her, like, he was in love. I couldn't move. I stood there, rooted to spot, hoping it was another nightmare. Probably it was the only time watching him didn't affect me. Only time when neither my stomach  flipped nor crimson hue adored my face..All I felt was sinking heart and emptiness.

Memories have already started flashing. It isn't new though. I run from them all day. But then there comes a night. Laying in bed in that captivating darkness starts a movie in my mind. Visuals of every moment we spent together starts playing. Sometimes I remember those paths where he held my hand tighter and lead me through difficult times. I try to turn & toss in bed.I hope to get sleep, wiping my tears. Unfortunately it doesn't work. It reminds me of all those time when he turned my sobs into giggles. I pick up my cell to call him and in that second his betrayal flashes too.

And then instead of phone one voice starts ringing. Words that said " sorry sanyu. I lied. I have girlfriend from 1.5 years" starts replaying on a loop. My mind tries to comprehend meaning. But as usual heart fails to accept facts. I can't blame it either.

Was all of it really a lie? All those times when he poured his heart down, confessed his deepest fears and told his darkest secrets, was he lying? Or "you are the only one, I trust" had a different meaning than I know?

Sometimes I really think, maybe I am the fool. I Probably misunderstood everything. Because all those moments when he simply tucked my hair strand behind my ear or shut my lips by simply brushing his fingers on them or looked at me liked I meant world to him still give me goose bumps.

I keep thinking one day he will come back to me. Tell me it was all my stupid dream and laugh on my jealousy like he always did. I imagine his hands wrapped around my waist pulling me closer, and I visualise his lips whispering "love, you are still my only one". I close my eyes in bliss of moments, resting my head in peace. Just then reality slaps hard. I remember I am the side chick. I was never the only one and I never will. She was. I try to cry but tears don't touch my cheeks. I just feel numb, helpless & broken.

Not like I didn't try though. So many times I dialled his number to confront him. But I failed. I failed miserably. I couldn't even block his number. Uninstalling whatsapp seemed easy instead. Running and pretending it didn't happen felt even easier.

Now two weeks have passed  and I am still where I started. I keep fake smiling. Keep getting through day by meeting friends & being busy, finding home in strangers on tinders. No one suspects. They believe in my smile that doesn't even reach my eyes. Ask me why am I so happy these days and I laugh. I laugh at my irony.

Because that's all I can do...