Insecure...

Week 3

She won't talk to me. She won't look at me. She won't touch me. The night that Kassie tagged her in that video something changed. Her eyes looked even more broken.

They looked dull now. There was no joy inside them.

I used to see joy and amusement, but now all I see is brown eyes.

She doesn't smile anymore. Even with the teachers. She doesn't laugh or make jokes. She's just there.

I did this. I pushed her to her last straw.

Me and Kassie.

I just want her to make jokes or make me laugh, but I can't because she won't talk to me.

We're not partners for Culinary anymore, she paired up with the new girl in our class. But they don't talk to each other, it's like they communicate telepathically.

It sounds crazy, but it's true.

It's been 3 weeks since the video of me came out and everybody was still talking about it. It made Nadine's life worse than it already was.

She gets stares and little whispers every time she walks past. But she ignores them pretty well. Or at least I think.

This was all my fault.

I'm sorry Nadine. I wish I could take it all back.

Nadine POV:

    I'm so broken. Things that used to amuse me don't anymore. I don't laugh, smile, make jokes, nothing. I'm just here.

When I was in middle school I used to hate being around people that didn't smile or have a sense of humor, now look at me.

I'm that person I used to hate.

Wow, have the tables turned. I guess this is my karma. But I never bullied people, I just had an opinion, which I kept to myself, about people who were suicidal.

But I'm the suicidal one this time. I'm everything I used to hate back in middle school.

I'm don't slit my wrists or try to hang myself. I want ways that are effective. Like a shot to the head, that's really effective. 9 times out of 10, your dead before you hit the ground.

But now after I almost shot myself in the head, I couldn't kill myself anymore.

This wasn't the first time that I've tried shooting myself. I've tried 2 times before. I thought 3rd times a charm but I missed my head, just by a couple inches. It was like God didn't want me to die.

He wanted me to leave this earth on his terms.

But I was thankful every time I missed my head shot. Thankful that I had my life. But this time I wasn't thankful. I wanted to leave the earth on my terms.

I wished I could go back and tell myself it was all worth it. All the bullying I survived and the "death" of my dad, was worth it.

I thought it was a curse, but looking back it was a blessing. I was stronger, stronger than I thought I was. Once I turned 18, it was like something in me was awakened. I was just glad I stayed until I could see my 18th birthday.

Pain made me stronger.

I decided to give life a chance. A real chance.

During the time me and Roman was cool, we started talking about jobs. I was tired of depending on my mom if I wanted something. I hated asking her for money.

I wanted to work at the mall, mainly footlocker because I loved Jordans. I had a problem when it came to them, so why not work at footlocker and get access to all the Jordans that come out.

I already asked my mom to take me to get my workers permit when me and Roman were working on a project a little while back. That was one of the good things that came out of me and Romans friendship.

I was one step closer to getting my own money. I felt like I was independent.

It was a good feeling.

I filled out a footlocker application online, I just hoped that I could get the job. I realized working in the mall you had to have confidence. And a lot of it.

But I had none, so I had to work on it. Especially if I was going to be working at footlocker. They were confident enough to walk up to and ask you were you looking for something. Some of them made jokes and had a conversation with you.

I wanted my confidence to be up there too, but that would take a lot of work. But I believed I could do it, no matter what.