I Don't Believe in Love

Feeling Naked

I heard a knock at the door. Leila slowly came in, trying to decide whether or not she should approach me.

"Its okay I reassured her. I'm not going to get all angry at you. I'm just feeling a little sick. Come let's go back to your room, and let me finish explaining my story."

"Lucy, you don't have to. I understand. Don't worry."

"No, I have to explain it so you can understand the whole thing. Why I will never forgive my mum, or my dad, or why I never want a guy near me."

"Okay."

We went to her room, and got under the covers. I looked at her and realised just how worried she was about me. I couldn't blame her. I was so depressed lately; she would always check my arms and legs to see if I had any cuts on them. Of course, she would try to hide the fact, but I was one of those people that observed everything that happened around them.

"Well, he climbed onto me. I looked up at him, wondering what he was going to do. Slowly, he took his pants off. My mum squirmed and squirmed, trying to say something, to set herself free. He then did 'it'. It hurt like hell, and I just couldn't stop crying. I remember seeing the blood that was proof he had ruined my special part forever, that he had ripped my flesh. I began to scream and squirm, telling him to leave me alone. So he did. I thought I was free, until three more men climbed onto the bed. You can guess what happened this time. I still have issues when I go to the loo. The taste, that's the part I remember the worst. I hate them; I hate them so much, if god does exist, I hope he damns them to the bottom of hell."

She looked at me, understanding showing in her eyes. I smiled at her and gave her hand a squeeze.

"Later, they ungagged my mum. Please she begged, please let my daughter go. I'll come back and work in the casino, just let her go. I didn't understand then what she meant, but this really old guy just laughed at her. His laugh was full of pity. I don't want you, I want your daughter. She's beautiful; she's adorable, she's the cutest 6 year old I've met till now. This went on for 3 months. Dad searched for us, he had all the police on their tippy toes every day. Well at least that's what he says. I never do understand dad. He acts like he doesn't love me, and then does all those wonderful things for me. I just wish he was honest about how he felt."

She smiled at me, then leaned over to the little fridge she also had in her room. I had earned my coke, and I knew she was giving it to me so I knew I didn't have to continue, but I felt like I had to end my story.

"well, after those awful 3 months of me being harassed, beaten up and insulted, I woke up to the sound of sirens. My dad ran in, saw me in the bed and continue on to untie my mother. He got her in his lap and ran out, not even coming back for me. Two nice doctors came in with a stretcher, in what felt like hours, and carried me out. I'm sure if the doctor at the hospital didn't insist on my parents being with me, they would have never come..."

I went quiet at that moment. She understood this was all I was going to tell her. She smiled at me and slowly stroked my hair out of my face. Then she wiped away my tears, and sang my favourite song; Pieces by J-Status ft Shontelle. I smiled a painful smile at her before giving her a serious look.

"Leila, you know how I love kids, and always claim I want a daughter of my own? Well, that day, at the hospital, 11 years ago. Well, I found out I would never have a child."

She looked at me shocked and dumbfounded. She was the only one who knew about my dreams of having a daughter and making sure she grew up to be a Muslim. I wanted her to have a religion, unlike me. Having a religion is what holds people together, if you don't have religion, then don't exist. I wished I didn't.

"Lucy, don't worry. Miracles happen. And, you know, this doesn't change my thoughts about you. It just proves to me you do have something to be upset over. But, about your parents abandoning you... maybe they didn't, maybe they were told not to touch you until a doctor came."

I thought about it, it seemed possible. Then she frowned and looked at me curiously.

"What happened tonight though?"

I had forgotten about Jonathan and Anthony and co. I told her quickly about the incidents of the night, explaining every detail.

"Okay, that's scary, but I would've wanted to meet this Anthony dude."

She giggled. I loved it when she did, because she was really cute. I smiled at her, then dug deeper under the covers and shut my eyes. I could always sleep peacefully with her around.

**dream begins**

Anthony. He's so brilliant. He's so enchanting. I can't forgive him though; I can't forgive him for what he's done. He was one of them, one of the people I hated so much. But why? This didn't make sense. I had only met him last night, but it felt like I had known him since forever.

"Lucy, I love you."

Those words. I did not believe in love. I had never believed in love. I shoved him away, and ran out of the room, only to have the darkness follow capture me as soon as I ran out the door.

**dream ends**