I Don't Believe in Love

A Forced Past

Anthony's POV

Ever since seeing that girl, I feel like I've known her forever, but that can't be the case. If I had seen such eyes like that, such a frame as beautiful as hers, I would remember it. I wonder who she is. Maybe I should ask dad to find her. Damn! I should've taken her plate number, I'm such an idiot.

"Anthony, son, would you care to join me today? Come on, ever since you were 8 you've been denying me the right to go out with my son."

I looked at him with disgust. The reason I chose not to hang out with my dad? Well he was perverted. He was a pedophile. He'd done something way back when I was 8 that he had dragged me into, and now I just couldn't get it out of my head, even though I was sure the girl herself had forgotten.

My phone buzzed and I looked down realizing that it was reminding me that I had to go see my psychiatrist.

"Nah dad can't come. I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist. Sorry."

With that I went to my car. It was a Mercedes Benz G-Class SUV. I didn't know why I always mentioned the details when I said the brand of my car; I guess I just loved it.

***

When I got to the clinic, my psychiatrist, Liz, looked at me warmly. She was like the mother I had never had. I did NOT have a crush on her; I just looked up to her as my role model. She was a woman in her mid-30s with blonde hair and hazel brown eyes. She smiled warmly, even when you were telling something upsetting, and somehow that even soothed you.

"Well, what do you want to talk about today?"

"I want to talk about that issue with my father 11 years ago..."

"Are you sure Anthony? Because you always chose to dodge that topic."

She looked at me, her face full of worry. I couldn't help but smile.

"Well, the thing is, my dad used to be a really bad man in the past, he used to have jobs in the black market. Obviously he had lost control at one stage like all rich people did."

I looked down not wanting to face her for the next part of the story. I was so ashamed of something that was not my fault.

"So one day, he took me out with him, pretending he was showing me attention. He took me to a broke down building, in which there was a little girl on a bed. I asked my father who is she? He didn't tell me her name, just told me that I was going to play with her. I liked the idea because she was a pretty girl. She had her brown wavy hair in pigtails on either side of her head and her blue eyes were shining even in the dim light. I liked her straight away."

Liz just nodded her head. She knew this was just the introduction, that there was still more to come, and she didn't want to distract me by asking questions. She was always like this. She would listen, dot down some details, and ask me questions when I was finished.

"Well, I joined the girl on the bed. It was only then that I realized she was only wearing her undergarments. I didn't understand why though. Then my father came and told me to take of my t-shirt and my jeans as well. I just looked at her with curiosity. I didn't know whether I should do what dad wanted me to or not, because I had a feeling being half dressed in front of a girl wasn't decent, and my parents were all about decency. I decided I would resist dad, and not do what he wanted me to."

I took a deep breath. This was the climax of my story, the part which made my blood boil.

"When my dad saw me resisting, and not doing what he wanted, he hit me real hard across the face. He screamed at me and questioned me, asking who I thought I was, and what rights did I think I had to deny him. In the end, I took of my clothes as well. Then I looked at the girl. She was crying really hard, but I couldn't understand why. Then my father told me to take the rest of her clothes off. I just stared at him with my mouth wide open. I couldn't believe he had wanted that."

I began to cry. I hated the fact that even though 11 years had passed, I cried like a baby every time I remembered what I had to do next.

"She wouldn't let me touch her. She kept pushing me away. I didn't want to do it either but I was scared of my father so I did. I pushed her so she was lying on the bed. She spat at me, and I remember hitting her. I was enraged at my father, but I took it out of her. Her nose bled. I started crying harder when I realized the harm I had done her, but I didn't stop. I took the rest of her clothes off, and then looked at my dad. Now take yours off too. Those words had embarrassed me then, but now, every time I remember, they kill me."

I looked at her. She was upset I could tell.

"I took off my underwear. Then he made us watch a video, an erotic video. Yeah, I told you he was perverted. We watched it together with the girl, not understanding why the people in the movie were screaming. Then, after it finished, he told us to do what they did. The girl opened her eyes in horror. Ever since the movie had begun shed gone to the far side of the bed, and looked like she had wanted to run away. I hadn't understood why then, now..."

I hit my fist against the table in front of me real hard. Liz jumped up.

"Anthony, it's okay. You don't have to go on if you don't want to. I know you're trying your best and it's good that you've even come this far."

I didn't want to stop. I had started my story and now it was time to finish it.

"He forced me upon her, telling me to do it or he would never take me to my mum's grave ever again. So I grabbed her, and well, I did 'it'. She screamed and scratched at me, trying to push me away, but I kind of liked what I was feeling. In the end she gave up, and just sobbed quietly. When my dad told me I could finish, I let gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her I was sorry for hurting her. After that dad just grabbed me and put me on a chair. He told me I was going to watch while someone else played with the girl."

I put my head in between my hands. I couldn't stand these memories. They were the worst.

"3 perverted men climbed on the bed with her. They did all kinds of things to her. Then, when they were finished, lights came on. When I saw the girl clearly for the first time, I was scared. She was covered in blood and bruises; there wasn't a clear part on any part of her body. Then I heard police sirens. They came in and untied a woman I hadn't seen until then. A man led her out but no one touched the girl. A policeman came and took me out of there. I don't know what happened to the girl."

She realized that was the end of my story, or what had to be one of my strongest memories.

"Anthony, I think you need to find this girl, to talk to her. I can see that you need to also talk to your father, but from what happened last time, I can see that's not going to be useful. On the other hand, finding this girl, and making sure she's alright will calm you down. I'm sorry, but our session is over."

She looked at me sadly, and I knew she wanted to help me more. I smiled at her.

"Don't be upset that our times over. Sharing this secret with you, being able to tell someone really did help. Also, you've given me a bit of hope. If I find her, I'm going to give her anything she wants to make it up to her. I just want her to forgive me for what I did."

She just smiled at me.

I just knew now that if I found this girl, she would mean more than the world to me.