I don't know anymore

Help is Not Coming

I just can't keep going on like this. Every time I think I'm getting over it, I am filled with an overwhelming flood of anxiety and depression. Nothing helps. Nothing can help me when I've already succumbed to the empty feeling of this lonely aperal.

Alone and stuck in my head. I have never felt more abandoned yet I continue to isolate myself. I lie, I'm not fine. I never have been. Always stuck in the past thinking about how I use to be happy. I have forgotten what it feels like to be content, a peace of mind. I cannot obtain such things without drugs and alcohol.

There are days I wanna end it but I cannot hurt the people who I love the most. I would rather hurt myself before I hurt the ones I live for. But I cant handle this deep sinking feeling, devoided of emotions and trapped in my mind-numbing malificence. I want to be alone but not lonely.

I want to exist in a world not like this. I hate everything about it. I was happy with my innocence intack. Slowly it was broken, cracked and denatured, misshapened. Every crevice of my soul and heart filled with the hatred of the world. A steep decline on my emotional stability, learning to hate myself like they want. Learning to not care about myself. Feeling trapped in a worthless piece of meat. Society doesn't care until you're dead.

Not affected until assumed dead. Saying you love me when I'm gone. Well why didnt you say that to my face? I can't be the only one that feels like this, I know I'm not. So many people, I am not alone, right? But I feel alone, I feel abandoned and I can't help it.

Repair me please. I dont want to be sad anymore. So I'm just angry all the time, numb or faking a smile. No choice but to continue on. I pick myself up ever day and make myself alive. Alive? But i'm actually dead inside.

Need not worry. I'll be fine. I'll make it through alone. I'll keep living like this until it kills me. I can't do it to myself. But let's just say if I died in an accident or walked out in front of a car, I wouldn't be upset if I didnt survive. I am civilised, but patronized. Here but not here in my mind. I'm alive but not living. Breathing but having to remember to. Putting on a smile but crying inside. Depressed but I'm fine. Sexualizing myself in hopes of affection. Hurting myself, hoping someone will notice but not wanting them to know. Protecting my loved ones from this ugly world but not myself.

I'm a hypocrite. I tell everyone they have so much to live for. That they are beautiful and to believe in themselves, love themselves. And yet I can't do that. I go behind their back and mutalate myself in order to cope. Bring me back to reality, remember that I can feel. But what's scary is I'm not feeling it that much anymore. I'm worried but I'll be fine...