I don't know anymore

I just don't know

I'm not feeling myself again. But then again, who knows who I really am? I don't know what I have become or who I have turned into. A monster?

Brutally honest with myself and too harsh apparently. Well I was only taught to be that way. From one end of the spectrum to the other, I don't know where I fit in.

I am scared of myself. And who I have become. I lost myself in the process, what have I done. Bleeding hearts and roses wilting, typical glorification which I find sickening.

This is my fight and mine alone. I'll deal with my demons, it's a battle at home. In my head and a raging war in my mind. And all I can think about in this empty head of mine is why.

Why put ourselves through this? It's a mental condition and a world confusion. Pills and potions at this point are only good for over-dosing. Drugs and addiction help us lose this pain. A temporary fix to a life long problem. Is there a solution? A way to fix our heads? Or should it be rendered useless once it is damaged?

Depending on the time, I sleep at night. Awake till early morning staring at the ceiling in no light. Darkness fills the room, just like my head. Lost in my blank mind wondering where I went wrong. What changed? When did I become this sad soul in a body overruled by a low self esteem and a needy teen?

When will my time be up? I just want it to be over but then again, I have a mother. A father and siblings too, distant relatives and grandparents are few. Love them dearly but don't show them what's in my head. My nightmare has no room for a place in another's head.

Keep it to myself. Brush everyone off. Saying I'm fine with a smile on my face even though I'm not. Crying myself to sleep, snapping my wrist so I don't fall back into old habits. But I know I made mistakes and I don't know how much longer I can take.

The pain on the inside. The untold truths of my head. My wall is broken or maybe just paper thin. I've love too much and learn too soon, that love gets you hurt and life will too. So don't let me get you down, my sickening thoughts are out in the blue. I write them down because I don't know what else to do.

An escape in a way. A way to let out my thoughts, read over them and I'm proud. Poetry you say? I think a cry for help. Fuck, I'm a sick human being. I hate who I have become. I hate me! I miss her. I miss the old me. The young me when I was happy.

I don't know how much longer I can take. The only thing keeping me is knowing how it will destroy the ones I love. So I sit in silence, slicing my legs and telling people I'm fine. But I'll see you all in heaven because life is a living hell...