This Bitch

The Pains Of Love

As i sat in class all i did was think about Ben someone i have liked once and when i liked him the first time i was having withdrawls when i couldn't see him but when i did see him i was having severe anxiety even worse then i already had because i do have severe anxiety but he had it worse without trying when i saw him my heart picked up the pace and thinking about him made my heart speed up too i drew thinking about him and drew how i felt but no matter how many times i did these things it never got less of it and he was someone special to me then one day it all just stopped.

 all of it completely for this i was thankful but some part of me still wanted him. I lost interest for a few months then new seats came along and if felt like ben smacked me in the face with the wanting him so SO bad again. I have always hated relationships like this oh yea did i mention the reason why i lost interest was because of myself. I was sitting in class NEXT TO THE FUCKER and i was feeling suicidal and i wanted to tie a noose or cut my wrist open although i was scared as fuck but he was saying things like "Destiny i swear to god, Dont, please destiny, i swear to god, dont do it" i know it might sound like i was mad and stupid to lose interest but we stopped talking after that it was actually really good that he cared about me but wouldn't anyone if it was about suicide? Back to why i hate those relationships that would be because i like them so much that if i dont see them i get withdrawn and if i do see them i get severe anxiety and my mind wanders into places it shouldn't EVER be with them and i cant sleep because they are on my mind and if i do sleep then my dreams are based around that person and if they include kissing them or something worse then i will have an anxiety attack cause i do remember my dreams sadly. 

They make me so intimidated that i will cry about it and if my friends knew about it they would make fun of me and make ship names as soon as they figured it out they would be shook-ith and start gagging while smiling. as i sat there staring at ben i thought of what he could possible do if he knew i felt scared and also that he couldn't ever love a girl with scared up wrists and with them cut up too and with eating disorders who would love that? everything about him tempted me to live just incase he loved me too but the chance of him liking me back would be very small. Anyway today i was looking at him more or less staring at him because if it was looking then i would have been looking at him for a good 5 mins but without realizing i was staring he caught me off guard and he turned him head a little then looked at me and as soon as i saw he was looking at me i looked away quickly and i could feel my heart panicking and felt my face get hotter then he looked back up to pay attention and i did too but he was the subject not history or anything somehow this boy who seemed to not have any emotions worked his way into my heart and made me like him "Destiny your going to tell him today" Alex said he was one of my best friends i trusted him and even liked him in the past but he said this smirking as i started freaking out "ALEX NO, NO PLEASE ALEX, DONT PLEASE DONT ALEX" I begged then he smiled at me after he said something to ben "alex you tell him right?" i said in a shaky voice all that happened was his smile got bigger "Alex No PLEase tell me you didn't say shit" i said as i felt my face grow to be on fire and my heart having a heart attack in my chest "ALEX PLEASE" i begged as i felt the tears tug at my eyes i guess alex noticed this "Nah i didn't say anything but you need to, trust me he would dare to reject you. i mean common look at you your fucking beautiful and one of the best girls that i know" he said smiling.

 i felt immediate relief as he spoke but i was still scared because i was supposed to tell the guy i've liked twice that i liked him but i refused and i decided i should tell him at the end of the year but what if he did like me just didn't show it? but he wouldn't tell me or alex because he doesn't trust alex at all and ben does trust me a little. all i've been listing to for the past months are love songs because he wont leave me alone and at times i want to break down and cry from fear and from agony of my heart being constantly attacked by how i feel about this boy who im never going to see again since he will be staying at the school and im going to be leaving and it pains me to leave him but i cant do shit and all i want is to hug him and tell him i love him. i walk back to my room and lay down on my bed and close my eyes and let the darkness consume me and gave me dark thoughts of self harm and that ben would hate me if he knew i liked him so i couldn't tell him i had a piece of paper and wrote "1). tell him in person 2).tell him over roblox 3). dont tell him (and let it kill me) and on the back it said 'if you tell the boy he will hate you and think your weird and wont want to be your friend but if you dont tell him its gonna continue to kill you inside out'" i couldn't help but start crying as i remembered love songs and if ben hated me i would want to kill myself for the 100th time in my life and i dont need that shit anymore all i ever needed and wanted was someone to love me and keep my interest longer then a month and if i ever loved anyone so much they lost interest and if they loved me i was the one to lose interest this always happens and that sucks but im 13 so i got some time on the whole love game.

FEW DAYS LATER

I Stood on the chair and silently cried thinking of when ben said "Look i know you like me from my own intelligence and someone else" when he spoke those words i wanted to cry so hard i wasn't ready for him to know i didn't think it was obvious when i went to lunch i fought back tears and scratched my wrist, hard drawing blood.

 I didn't eat either my mind was too busy thinking if i should still live or not, the thoughts in my head were killing me telling me "do it. He hates you. He thinks your gross. He isnt your friend" as soon as i remembered these things my crying became sobbing and thats when i tried to kick the chair from underneath me to be free. However it didn't work it was close but it didn't fall then i heard a knock at the door and them it opened. I saw someone who i didn't expect to see. Ben standing there as a tear rolled down his cheek. "Destiny don't please" he begged as he said this it made me happy but it hurt me alot morei was sobbing again then i scratched my wrist again but ben grabbed my hands i stopped and looked at him blushing as tears rolled down my cheeks "dont" he said as more rolled down "ben your killing me everything about you. Your voice. Your eyes. Your hair. Your body. Your personality. I love it but you dont love me like I expected so i was going to do you a favor" i said ripping my hands out of bens "i never said i wanted this" he whispered "your right you didn't but the voices in my head told me you wanted this" i said as i kicked the chair from beneath me but this time it did fall "DESTINY OMFG PLEASE STAY WITH ME!!!" i hear ben scream as he tried to help me down as i fell unconscious. The last thing i felt was my heart hurt from his voice.