Decem (One-Shots)

Noah Burke - Ūnus

The horns of the passing cars did nothing to dull the thoughts which, ironically, was kind of their purpose. They were invented to alert people, weren't they? So why did he wish so desperately that they paralyzed the thoughts racing through his head?

'It's never getting better' was the most cruel, loud and significant of them all. Typical, wasn't it? His thoughts essentially telling him to either bear it or throw it away, encouraging him to give up like some sort of a loser. He was anything but a loser, no loser could take or endure what he had to take then come out alive and with a smile nonetheless.

He took a swift swig of the bottle of beer he was holding onto like a lifeline, ignoring the bitter taste it left on his tongue; he never liked beer but he thought he'd better let himself do all the things he never allowed himself to do before. He chased the mild taste of alcohol down with an inhale from his cigarette.

His throat was scratchy, each gulp followed by a smooth invasion of smoke from the cancer stick he held between his thumb and index was like a verdict of death to his already battered body. He couldn't find it in himself to care.

He blinked once, twice, watching people passing by and paying him no mind. He'd always loved it when he went unnoticed, always thought it gave him freedom. That being said, why did it hurt him so bad now that he was on the verge of breaking into tears? Why was he so scared that no one would bat an eye if he threw himself in front of one of those speeding vehicles?

Why? Why did the thought of his friends not reacting if he fell off a cliff reach his heart and squeeze it mercilessly? Why did the thought of his mother getting told that her only son died in an unfortunate accident leave him breathless, on the verge of an anxiety attack? Why did he grow up around people who decided they didn't like him? Why did no one give him a chance to prove himself useful to the world? Invent a gadget or make a medical breakthrough? Why was he labelled a freak just because someone said so? Just how much influence can one person have on the world? Why was it difficult for anyone to see through his sloppy façade? Was it true that people chose not to see certain things that could alter their routines? Could they be that cruel?

So many questions and not nearly enough answers. 

He was slowly going insane with sadness as his fuel. Out of nowhere, he found himself wishing he could see his father. The man of virtue and integrity, if you can call leaving your cancer-diseased wife and a seventeen year old in the custody of no one but God righteous. He was not the father figure that would've made a difference in someone's life, he was just a stranger who helped create a child he didn't fathom wanting. Was it a cliché to have daddy issues? If so, add that to list of clichés that defined his life.

A small part of him wanted to find a way to get rid of his dilemma but then again, what was his dilemma?

He could always try to escape but that would entail he abandons his mother and Noah would rather die before mimicking his father like this. He could convince her to leave with him, book a flight using their hard-earned savings to anywhere that wasn't here and start a new life, a better one that didn't make her feel like she was easy to leave and didn't make him feel like he'd rather perish than inhale his next breath. Was he capable though? Capable of being happy, of possessing a life that wasn't initially carved out for him?

To make matters harder for himself, he was cynical. He was never going to give something that was painfully prone to failure a try, especially if it put his mother on the line too.

He could try and seek help as his last resort, he scoffed internally, knowing full well that help wasn't necessarily going to help. It would only make him feel even worse because then he'd have to pretend that he was feeling better, it's how things work. People give you pep talks, positive vibes and all that nonsense then get offended when you're not kneeling at their feet in gratitude for how they thoroughly changed your life.