What's Funny?

Chapter 12

"7/3/06

        If someone asked me what it was like to be in love, I would tell them that it’s terrifying in the best of ways. You are afraid to love them, but you can’t remember a time when you didn’t. Just the thought of that being possible rattles your bones and paralyzes you with fear. When you’re not with them, you’re thinking about them, dreaming about them. Everything reminds you of them. Whistling winds sound like the Earth whispering their name, and the morning birds sing their favorite song as the sun rises and pours through your bedroom’s open blinds. Their touch is like a thousand lightning bolts at once, but it doesn’t hurt in the slightest. It’s electrifying, it makes you feel alive. 

        If someone asked me what it was like to be in love, I would tell them to imagine being blind their entire life and suddenly gaining vision to see the sunset for the very first time; the sky painted with colors they didn’t even know existed. I would tell them that it’s like the first day of summer, riding with the windows down and singing a song at the top of your lungs with the ones you love most. The feeling of the warm sun on your bare back. The familiar smell of home after you’ve been gone for weeks. I would tell them that yes, I am afraid, but you make all of this worth it. And if the time for regret ever comes, I will throw out every watch I own because I could never regret something that once filled me with so much joy.”

I closed my journal and slipped it back under the bed, then let out a long sigh. I got up and walked over to my desk, taking a seat in the worn out office chair. Looking for something to do, I sorted through a large stack of loose papers until I came across the notebook from yesterday. I smiled softly, remembering how fun it was writing with Eli. After reading through what we’d come up with, I noticed a few things I wanted to change. I placed the notebook in front of me and grabbed a pen from the top drawer, bringing my arms up and stretching out my body in the process. I popped my knuckles and leaned over the notebook, reading over it a second time before tearing the page out and setting it to the side. I studied the page for a moment before the perfect idea hit me. I sat up and began jotting down notes on the clean sheet of paper

“Everytime I go to dinner, seems like I’m getting a little bit thinner. I’ll sit down at the breakfast table. I can talk; but they’re not able.” I paused for a moment, letting another long sigh escape my lungs before I leaned over the page once again and continued writing. 

“I wish it could go back to the way it was. It’s not easy now because….” I stopped briefly, looking over at what Eli and I had written. 

“My whole family thinks I’m gay, I guess it’s always been that way. Maybe it’s ‘cause of the way that I walk that makes them think I like… Boys.” I laughed silently at the memory of Eli’s wry smile and the gleam in her eye when she came up with the end of that line.

“The goddamn question just won’t go away, and they ask me every day.”  I stopped once again, scratching my chin with the end of my pen before crossing out the last part. 

“And I always get asked every day.”  I shook my head slowly, crossing out this line too, then buried my face in my hands. The sentence still just didn’t look right. I stretched my body once again before giving it another shot. 

“And I get asked every single day,”  I leaned back, satisfied with the line. 

“Third time’s the charm,” I quietly chuckled to myself before turning my attention back to the page of notes that I’d written with Eli, reading the next line in my head, and returning to my writing. 

“But it’s the way that they all ask me, it is not in disguise, like ‘How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?”

“My whole family now is shocked, I’m in the closet and the door is locked. Even my boyfriend thinks I’m gay.” I cleared my throat and moved the page up, starting on a new line.