The Dream of Millions. Jane Scott's Years

Chapter 18 - Feelings

I woke up the next day drained and feeling like crap. Jill had to go home just after dinner but she helped my tidy up my new flat first. I spent the next few hours curled up on the sofa feeling like shit, depressed that joe broke up with me and angry at myself. My dad called at around 3 saying the doctor had called and had my blood test back. I had to lie to my dad and say it was a standard blood test due to my heart condition. 

I went to the doctors and was told that i was not pregnant. i felt relieved and a little sad. Like the last link i had to Joe had been cut. I loved my flat but i was lonely. so very lonely.  I decided to go for a walk on the beach afterwards and i skipped a few pebbles accross the sea. It was a windy day and the feeling of the wind against my face was making me feel better. 

I thought about Joe. I missed him so much. His laugh and infectious smile. I wanted him back but i was still mad at him for kissing her. I didnt know what to do, if i could do anything. I sent Joe a long message explaining how sorry i was about mike and how when i realised what i was doing i left him.

I felt like part of my heart was missing . Like I had lost half of my body.  For days I just sat on the chair in my flat doing nothing, thinking nothibg because I felt so lost and confused without him. The way he held me or he kissed me was a way no other guy wud be able to be like . I wanted to stay strong and build up barriers inside my head to protect myself from feeling these things but every time I thought about him all my defenses came crumbling down

I didnt go to college for the rest of the week.

I slept at my dad's but over the next few week I moved all of my personal things into my new flat.  Joe avoided me completely at college and sat at the other end of the class room. Miss Lola said nothing about kissing Joe not that anyone except me and Jill believed it anyway. They thought it wad all a stupid lie.

Danny had started talking to me and sitting with us for a bit at dinner times now. This seriously pissed off Joe which I took a guilty pleasure in.

When I was at my flat on a night I drank myself into unconsciousness most nights. This helped the pain but made me feel ill the next day.

The rest of the college year flew by and when we broke up for summer and sat our last exam I got a 2 word text off Joe.

*good luck*

I didn't reply. I did my best in the exam but severe depression and my hangovers made it difficult.

I've missed most of how I felt out because it's hard to explain. It's like having your heart and breath ripped from your chest and your left with nothing but memories. But because the memories were mostly so good it hurt more because you knew you could never have them again.

At one point I tried taking a load of tablets to end it all but Jill stopped me . If it hadn't been for her I dont know what i would have done .

College was finished . I had finally fully moved into my flat and Jill was planning on taking me out clubbing the next day so I could try and 'move on.' I hated that phrase.