What Am I Doing With My Life

Because Plainly and Simply, It is not My Cup of Tea

It's almost one and a half years after I graduated and a lot of things happened. My friends are doing great with their businesses, starting to climb up the roof of the senior level in companies they work for, studying abroad to pursue master degrees, and even starting to hire people to work on companies they founded. Not to mention that some of them also have started their own small family. They got married to their thoughtful partners and have beautiful babies. And I really am, happy for them, but not for long.

Seeing their achievements, especially on social media, kind of make the others feel jealous, including me. I got jealous of seeing my friends have successful businesses and being able to employ people and providing them with the sources of money to support their employees' families every week. I got jealous of seeing my friends have proven themselves that they are being trusted to manage people in the companies they work for. And I also got jealous that I'm still here working and living in a country where the people aren't okay with the kind of person I am while my friends can fully be their-own-damn-self in countries they are studying today.

At first, it was all okay. Second, third, and fourth post, I got a bit annoyed. And it just grew. The more they share their achievements, the deeper the hole of my self-degradation and the higher the hill of my hatred to that person.

The way they show those on social media made me feel like they are the conversational narcissists who love to talk about themselves, bragging about their achievements, and enjoying the excitement of indirectly making people down. Which considered as toxic people.
A constant contemplation that I'm not good enough and disgrace I feel to myself, have made me compare my self to them. And then, I realised something. Something that slapped me hard on my face. That I realised, I just developed myself to be a jealous-judgemental person. In which, another type of toxic people. What's the difference between me and them, then?

The agony of being slapped of my own thought made me reflect myself. I looked at the mirror and saw a person with dark circles under his eyes. Someone who needs to work hard to be where he is today. Someone who always complains about his work yet only showing the greatness and achievements on social media. Someone who only shares his insecurities to his close friends. Someone who doesn't want to show his weaknesses and failure to most of the people. And if this person does that, other people may also do the same with basically the same reason.

Then I remembered the stories of my friends. Those who got really stressed with their business as they aren't only busy thinking about generating profit but also constantly buzzing their mind on how can they improve or at least maintain the people who work for them. Those who got depressed because of the extreme pressure they have on their shoulder as the competition to study abroad is harder than they thought. But they never share it on social media. Never.

Another thing I realised was... I'm not that kind of person who wants to have his own business and never had any plan to go for that. I'm not ready yet to jump myself into another academia life and the plan of taking a master degree has been archived to my bookshelf since I graduated. So, why should I be jealous of something I'm not really into? Why should I be jealous of my friends who work successfully at a kind of firm with the business model that I never like in the first place? Why should I be jealous of something that's not on my cup of tea?

I know what I like, I know what I'm good at, and I know what I enjoy doing. I believe that what I have accomplished and what I'm currently working right now are on the right path. On the right path to achieve what I want to achieve. So, rather than being jealous of something that I don't want, it's better for me to recheck what I'm doing to make sure that I'm still on the right path I have defined.I also believe that each all of us is on the same calibre to another. We're just aiming for different directions. We're just doing what we like, what we're good at, and what we enjoy doing.And at the end of the day, I should not be jealous of other people's achievement. Because plainly and simply, it is not my cup of tea.