What Am I Doing With My Life

Where Are We Heading To?

I have more than one hundred and fifty matches on Tinder. I talked to at least 70% of it because the other 30% did not answer my chats. Unfortunately, only less than 5% of my matches became the people I considered as the acquaintances or friends. The others? Usually got unmatched or just sunk deep down my chatroom. The less 5% are those who not only matched with me on Tinder but also in thoughts. We usually had deep conversations about everything. Like social issues, politics, culture, sciences, history, movies, music, lives, also love life.

With the less 5%, I moved our conversation to other platforms. Like LINE or WhatsApp. And this is the beginning of our long deep conversation. Except for one girl. A dancer whom I matched with when I was in Jakarta. We are still talking on Tinder for once or twice a month. Never beyond that. It seems like we do not have the urge to talk more intensive than that. Our conversation was a high quality low frequent one. With the rest of the less 5%? I always asked them about where are we heading to when everything becomes more intense for weeks. It was because of my curiosity about things. I did not want to expect something unattainable. Like what Shakespeare said, expectations is the root of all heartache. I had enough heartache. I did not want another La Douleur Exquise. I did not want to add or lure another one.

The biggest reason of my heartache was my longing for someone's affections until I realized something. Related to my first post, I realized that the way I loved someone was wrong. I had no sincereness to let them live with my affections without getting any feedbacks that I wanted. Back then, when I loved someone, I only focused on the idea of having him/her as my partner. I used to think that I deserved things that I gave to others. The quote about the so-called Karma like "what you give is what you get" or "what you give comes back to you" sunk me down to the trench of the concept of equality. And then, I realized that it was not about the equality. It is about the equity. What we give and what we got does not have to be equal. It is about the fairness and with the deeper analysis, it is also related to people's personal definition of being fair. It is more about the quality rather than about the quantity.

What slapped me hard was the counter-phrase on the quote which says

"Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you",

it says

"No, do it. Do cross oceans for people. Love people, all people. No condition attached, no wondering whether or not they're worthy. Cross oceans, climb mountains. Life and love aren't about what you gain, it's about what you give".

Being obsessed with people that made you possessive about them is not wise. Loving people is not about the idea of having them in your life, as your partner, your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, or your boyfriend. Loving someone is as simple as you have him/her in your heart, let them be happy in the way they wanted to be. When you love someone entirely, you will be very open to any condition that person is happy. You will be sincere. No matter how hard it must be for you. No matter how depressing it would be. Those depressions will be covered by the happiness you will get when you see the one that you love is happy.

Since that thoughts, I stopped asking people about where are we heading to. No matter how much I liked them. Even I already said that I liked them, I did not and am not going to expect him/her love me back. I am just going to let myself getting carried by the river that we built without any wonders where the current leads us to.