Chasing Blue

14. In Return You Refuse

He raises his eyebrow. "Why should I?"

"Why shouldn't you?!" I shout. "I tell you everything. You can tell me this one thing!"

"I already told you why I don't like girls."

"But I want to know who you did like!"

"I do."

"What?"

"Who I do like."

I'm quiet. He's quiet. I know according to the nature of a conversation it's my turn to respond now but I'm too nervous.

"Fine, don't tell me," I tell him, turn around and start to walk when he stops me by my hand.

"Giving up, already? I thought you were persistent."

I pull my hand away and say, "that I am. So I'll find out myself."

"You already know," he says.

"I-I know what?" I stammer.

"You know who I like," he says. The playfulness in his face is gone. He looks serious.

"What are you saying, Blue? I don't," I tell him quickly.

"You do. I thought you didn't notice it that day. But ever since then, you've been nervous around me. You were awake weren't you?"

I look away and start to walk again. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He holds me back again by my hand. "Don't lie. You know how I feel about you. You just don't want to face it."

I again pull my hand away, but don't leave. I'm standing still looking at the ground.

He runs his hand through his hair, agitated. "I'm sorry for that day. But I'm not going to pretend like it didn't happen anymore. I kissed you because I like you. I don't know since when, but I've come to like you, Dayna, more than as a friend."

I don't respond, my gaze still on the pavement.

"Say something," he whispers.

"I'm sorry. I can't," I tell him.

"Can't what?" he asks, his voice breaking.

I feel guilt as I answer, "can't return your feelings."

We both stand there silently for a minute or so.

"Do you like someone else?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"Is it because of me?"

I shake my head and tell him, "I just can't see you as more than a friend."

"How do you know if you don't try?" he asks.

"I don't want to try."

"Why not?"

"I want you to be my friend."

"I won't stop being your friend because of this, Dayna. I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend right away," he says and I shift my feet at hearing the word, girlfriend.

"But, can you... can you please try? Because I want to. I want to try it with you. I want to date you," he says sincerely.

I shake my head. "Friends don't date. I never dated James. I want you to be like James."

I know this isn't the best time or situation to bring a third person into our intimate conversation like this, but I decided to be honest and straightforward.

I want Blue to be the same way with me as James is. I want a best friend, not a boyfriend.

Blue says, "so just like you said that day in the restaurant, I really am a stand-in for James and nothing else?"

"Don't put it that way," I tell him, feeling hurt.

He angrily says, "in what way? What other way is there to put it? You're asking me to fill in someone else's shoes for your convenience, not thinking how I feel about it for one second. Do you even care about me?"

"Why do you like me if you think I don't even care about you?" I snap at him.

He retorts, "I don't know! I don't know why I like you when all you've ever been is selfish with me. I asked you to stay away but you forced your way into my life. And now when I want something in return you refuse."

I laugh. "Forced? I forced you? No one can force you to do anything! And might I just refresh your memory here? You were the selfish one who treated me like a nobody when all I wanted was to be your friend. You didn't even look at my face or respond to anything I said. You ignored me like I didn't even exist!"

"Oh, so that's what this is all about then? Revenge?! You want to get back at me by rejecting me?" he asks angrily.

"If that's what you think this is, go ahead, think whatever you want. But know, I'm not pity like you. I forgave you and became your friend!"

"I'm sorry, you became my friend? Whose memory needs refreshing now? It was you who followed me like a lost puppy begging me to be your friend. It was I who decided to be your friend!"

"And what? In return for your generosity, you want me to sleep with you?" I ask him, fuming.

He clenches his fists. "Is that what you think this is? Me trying to fuck you?"

"Yeah!" I shout at him. "I guess Ashley was right! You're a guy after all! Just because I always hung out with you, you thought I would sleep with you! What? You thought I would moan your name in bed like she said just because you let me call you Blue!?"

"Dayna!" Blue's voice makes me wince but I stand my ground.

"Don't yell at me! It's your fault. It's all your fault. We were doing great! We finally became friends, but you ruined everything!"

I see hurt in his face, but I don't feel guilty. I want to hurt him! He deserves that, he deserves to be hurt for trying to take away our friendship! Why couldn't he just let things be the way they were?!

His hurt expression turns into a cold one, causing me to suddenly fear what he's going to say.

"Alright. You know what? Since I've ruined everything anyway, there's nothing left between us. We're done," he sternly says, turns around and leaves me standing under the flickering streetlight in the park.

I think we both just experienced the worst confession on the planet.

⤙–⤚

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