The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm

B

Baby: Through nothing more than an extremely tiny human highly adept at eating and defecating, somehow these howling, underdeveloped, and often quite ugly creatures manage to command all the damn attention in the room

Baby bump: A term frequently used by the media to describe the gently protruding abdomen of a female celebrity. The implication is, of course, that it is only a bump and that the previously anorexic, bulimic celebrity, who was also kept concentration-camp thin by all manner of prescription appetite suppressants, should not be considered fat just yet.

Babysitter: A high school girl who has the mysterious ability to make your child--who, whenever you are around, never give you a moment's peace--somehow sleep soundly for the entire time you are out at the movies, therefore getting paid anywhere from twenty to fifty bucks to essentially sit in your house and watch television until you come home.

Baby Stroller: Difficult to distinguish from a small armored vehicle, the modern stroller is apparently designed to make sure you child can survive a sudden and unexpected encounter with a herd of charging wildebeests.  Of course, such a thing occur, by the time you unclasp the nine different clips holding your little one in the stroller seat, disengage the stroller canopy, knock back the stroller umbrella attachment, and unzip the stroller netting, you yourself will be horribly maimed by the unfortunate wildebeest onslaught.  But, in your own way, you will have protected your child, which, ironically, was the reason you bought the stroller in the first place.

Baggage: After around three months of passionate sex and feeling giddy with new love, a couple begins to realize they are now in an honest-to-God relationship. At this state, baggage is something you slowly start to realize your new boyfriend/girlfriend has got up the wazoo.

Baggage carousel: A whirring contraption on which you keep seeing the same suitcase, which looks like yours but is actually someone else's, go by thirty times and yet every single time it comes around again, you still think it's your's for a second or two.  This is a phenomenon brought about by the insane hope that the airline has not lost your luggage.

Baggage handler: A person paid not to care if he or she breaks all your stuff.

Balls: something you have to, however begrudgingly, give telemarketers credit for.

Band: A group formed hardheartedly in high school in the hope of meeting girls. Starting out with mastering the opening guitar riff from "Smoke on the Water" and progressing to two-hour rehearsals in the drummer's parents' garage, the group of acne-ridden misfits eventually specializes in anemic covers of Led Zeppelin, Nirvana, and Aerosmith.  Much discussion goes into their name, with suggestions ranging from "Bilbo's Hat" to "Frothing Mongoose." At last, the band plays one high school dance where their amps blow twenty minutes into the set. They summarily break up, although one of them keeps threatening to get everybody back together again to watch their ill-fated debut, documented on VHS that night by some geek from the AV club.

Bank: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can't make it to the post office.

Bankrupt: A state of financial destruction. also a morally bankrupt person, which, ironically, usually described someone who never actually experiences being literally bankrupt because a greedy, egotistical a-hole usually keeps you well out of the red.

Bar: A place where lonely, desperate people go to get hammered enough to find other lonely- desperate people suddenly irresistible.

Barista: A person highly skilled in writing your first name in sharpie on the side of a heat treated paper cup.

Bartender: A psychotherapist who keeps a damp rag slung over a shoulder.

Baseball: A spectator sport known as "the great American pastime" largely because so much time passes while waiting for each game to end. There are many traditions associated with a day at the ballpark, including the consumption of sodium-rich foods and a beer-like substance that may actually be reconstituted urine. There is also the charming tradition of the park organist, whose many prompts to get the crowd to cheer "Charge!" optimistically, even when their team is behind by sixteen runs in the top of the ninth inning. Baseball fans are known for their love of statistics, including batting averages, RBIs, and ERAs. Another interesting statistic is that one could combine the yearly income over every working-stiff fan seated in the left-field bleacher section and it still would not equal the weekly salary of the average bench warmer.