The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm

A

Airbrush: An artist's tool invented by Playboy magazine to give your girlfriend an inferiority complex.

Air-conditioning: The glorious, man-made appliance that cools us in the heat of summer while blasting out recirculated air that contains the disgusting, contagious, pathogens that will one day kill us.

Airplane: A giant passenger vehicle whose entire operation will fail unless you seat backs and tray tables are in the upright and locked position.

Airport: A mall placed near a large parking lot in which planes often land but rarely take off. To take you mind off the endless delays, these cavernous dungeons are populated by clueless security and ticket agents, zombie-like skycaps, and thousands of needlessly detained travelers enduring either the frustration of lost luggage or an impromptu body-cavity search.  If Dante were alive today, airports would be listed at the fifth ring of Hell.

Alcohol: Awkwardness, foul breath, financial ruin, and the alienation of everybody who ever cared about you, all in handy liquid form, often with a twist of cap.

Alive: The state of existing--of being cognizant of existence. Depending on just how much of your horrendous childhood you need to block out, this condition may not kick in until shortly after you graduate from high school.

Allen, Woody: Some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged adopted stepdaughter.  Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishment is often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.

All Right: What a man insists that he is feeling whenever his significant other asks how he is feeling.

Almost: Just about, not quite, virtually, nearly, for all practical purposes... whatever. You freaking blew it, so just man up and admit it.

Alone: Isolated, forsaken--for example, a green party politician during a U..S election cycle.

Alternative: A type of music that pretentious, hipper-than-thou people like to day they listen to, completely oblivious to the fact that it has been labeled "alternative" by the same corporate machinery that makes all the other kinds of non alternative music available for download on ITunes. Their pretentiousness is exacerbated by the fact that you can often catch these so-called cool people weeping while indulging in an MP3 of "Wing Beneath my Wings" when they think no one is looking.

Amateur: A beginner or aspirant in a given field; a non professional as distinct from a practicing professional-- except in the field of pornography, in which no such distinctions are necessary or even pertinent.

Ambiguous: Either that gal in human resourced who wears button-downs and khakis all the time or that guy in account payable who always has an ascot covering his Adam's Apple.

Ambitions: Nature's way of preparing us for heart medication.

America: An ongoing experiment in democracy controlled largely by insanely wealthy people.  And that's just the way we like it, thank you very much.

Amish: A sect of life-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that its a wonder nobody's bombed them yet.

Analog: Rare. Recording or television transmissions delivered non digitally.  While difficult to find, these strange devices do turn up on occasion, such as in the apartments of shut-ins or in the squirrel-infested cabins of half-mad, heavily armed conspiracy theorists.

Anarchist: Someone who advocates the overthrow of the existing power structure, or just anyone with a goatee.

Anesthetic: Substance used by medical professionals who have no other way of shaving off someone's pubic hair without the person noticing.