The Guilt

Opened Up

Lena-

After the silent drive home, you could cut the tension with a knife if I'm honest, ever since she came back to our table we decided it was best to end the evening. Glancing periodically over at her as she drove, I just still needed to get to the bottom of her outburst on her admitting her feelings and how long has she felt this way about me, after Lydia died or before we married. I just had so many questions, but whether to bring it up tonight I had know idea. As we pulled up to my apartment building, I turned around towards Stef's profile, that still refused to look at me. Stef, I'm not angry I just feel like, I began. I know Lena you're not ready, she said still refusing to look at me. That is not what I was going to say, I said. As she finally turned towards me. Then what is it you wanted to say? She asked. You know why don't we take this inside, I said. I saw the hesitation on her face of my request, but she finally turned off the engine, as we both made our way upstairs to my apartment. Make yourself comfortable, I will put on a pot of coffee, I said making my way into the kitchen. 

Stef -

While Lena went to make coffee, I had to get my thoughts together when she came back with questions. I didn't know that the night was going to end like this, bracing myself for rejection, she had told me on more than one occasion that she just wasn't ready to move on just yet, even though Lydia has been gone for almost two years. Okay coffee should be ready in about five minutes, she said entering the living room where I was seated on the couch. Okay sounds good, I said smiling. One she returned, as she sat next to me. Stef I didn't mean to make you feel like your feelings didn't matter, because they do, she said. I was just shocked that's all, and when you finally admitted, you never gave me a chance to respond, before you walked away, she said. Why and wait for the rejection Lena, I said. How do you know I would have rejected you Stef, she asked. Because Lena you told me enough times that you were not ready to move on, I said. That's when I thought you were talking about  me moving on with someone else Stef, it never occured to me that you were the person you wanted me to move on with, she said. Turning around to face her, staring her in the eyes. Stef I just have so many questions, she asked. Okay, I said. How long have you felt this way about well about me, she asked. Lena I think I loved you from the moment I met you, just didn't have the courage to admit it, when we first met we were kids and became fast friends, to young to even go there, I said. Yeah, she said smiling. Well as we got older, I think my feelings continued to grow, but then you started dating, and yet still I didn't have the courage to tell you, for fear of being rejected and also ruining the friendship, so then I just bottled my feelings up and started dating myself, trying to forget my feelings for you, I said. I figured maybe if I dated enough then I won't feel as much, I continued. But then when you met Lydia, I said with tears streaming down my face. Yeah, she said, Stef when I told you that day Lydia had proposed to me, why didn't you say something then, she asked. Why would I you loved her, considering spending your life with her, I said. When I told you, how did that make you feel Stef, the truth now, she asked. Like someone kicked the wind out of  me, like my life was over, Lena when you told me that following day that you accepted her marriage proposal, I felt like my heart broke in half, you're the love of my life Lena, and I'm sorry it took me so long to admit that, I said as tears continued to stream down my face. You're the love of my life too Stef, she said, as I looked at her shocked. What, I asked. I said you're the love of my life too, she said. Why did you think that I came to you that day to let you know Lydia proposed to me, she asked. Too get my blessing, after all we were best friends, I said. No nothing like that, I figured If you had any kind of feelings for me, I wanted you to acknowledge them, if anything I wanted you to tell me not to marry her, she said as I saw tears streaming down her face. You know how many times I dreamt that scenerio, that it turned out another way, that you told me not to marry her because you loved me, she said. When did you realize that you loved me Lena, I asked. Remember that picture my mom took when I think we were about maybe twelve, we were at my house the sleepover remember the first one, my mom must have caught us off guard and snapped a picture, I think I knew then, could have been sooner than that, she said. Why didn't you tell me Lena, I asked. Same reason didn't want to feel rejected, she said. Well what are we going to do about these feelings huh, because I swear to you Lena, it would destroy me if I couldn't be with you, I said.