The Guilt

Beautiful Thoughts

Lena-

Waking up to a beautiful warm morning, thinking about  the conversation Stef and I had last night. Stef has been my bestfriend for as long as I can remember, so many times I would think what I would do without her in my life, but I can't even fathom that. There were many times that I dreamt that Stef and I were the ones who were married instead of me and Lydia, we had kids, but there were also times that I dreamt that she was the one who died instead of Lydia. There were also times I would daydream that things went another way telling Stef when Lydia proposed, in my daydream Stef would tell me she loved me and that she didn't want me to marry Lydia. Things just never turned out the way I had wanted them too, don't get me wrong I did love Lydia are I never would have married her. Stepping out of bed, I needed to jump in the shower, had a very busy day ahead of me, not to mention lunch with my mother which I always dreaded. My mother and I had never gotten along, she had always be so judgemental, I could never do anything right in her eyes, I didn't wear the right clothes, didn't pick the right college, my hair was too big, I was too light. Never the type of person to be able to confide in my mother or come to her when I had a problem, she was just never loving or approachable, don't get me wrong I know she loves me, but in her own way. So yes not looking forward to this lunch. Maybe invite Stef over for dinner, that would sure cheer me up, I'll text her after my shower.

Stef-

Waking up with only one person on my mind put a smile on my face, which only Lena could do. My plan was to have lunch with Michelle to break it off with her, but then it dawned on me that she may make a scene and the last thing I wanted her to do was make a scene in public she's known for that. So I invited her over here after work. Getting dressed in my uniform, I hear a text alert, I see that it's Lena, what a wonderful way to start the day.

Lena- Good Morning Stef

Stef- Good Morning Beautiful

Lena- What are your plans this evening?

Stef- What do you have in mind?

Lena- Dinner here at my place

Stef- I would love to  

Wait a minute I thought to myself, I made plans with Michelle, how am I going to explain that to Lena.

Lena- Stef are you still there

Stef- Lena how about a raincheck

Lena- You have plans?

Stef- Something like that, sorry

Lena-  No worries, a raincheck it is

Stef- Nice, you have a good day Lena

Lena-  You too Stef, stay safe, bye

Stef- I will, bye

Thinking about what must be going through Lena's mind, thinking that I had plans with Michelle, even if it's true, but it's not what she may be thinking. 

Lena-

While waiting for my mother to arrive at the restaurant, I couldn't help but wonder why Stef changed her mind about coming dinner, but only one person came to mind Michelle. I guess Stef would rather be spending time with her, after all she is her girlfriend, what rights do I have. While still deep in thought, I didn't hear my mother coming up behind me. Lena Elizabeth, she said. Oh hi mother, didn't hear you sorry, I said. No worries, come on give your mother a hug, she said. Standing giving her a hug that I didn't even want, we both take a seat at the table. As I take a quick glance over at her, I can tell the disapproving look on her face, but before she can open her mouth to tell me what she didn't like, the waiter comes over to take our order. 

So Lena, what have you been doing with yourself, besides getting thinner everytime I see you, she said. Not that it's any of your business mother, but I've been working and getting out with friends, I said. Are you still hanging with that Stefanie Cooper, she asked snottly. Yes, and it's Stef mother you know how I told you she does not like to be called Stefanie, I said. Well you need to get a new better class of friends Lena Elizabeth, she said. Mother who I spend my time with is my business, I am a grown woman, and it's time you started treated me as such, I said. I am not treating you like a child Lena Elizabeth, she said. Well you could have fooled me, telling me who I can and cannot see, and mother  Stef is my bestfriend whether you like it or not, I don't tell you who your friends should be, I said angrily. Fine, lets have lunch and I won't bring it up again, she said. As we waited for our lunch to arrive, which couldn't arrive soon enough for me.