Risk

Four

Sunday night. He was alone for another weekend, feet resting on the coffee table as he slouched into the sofa, half heartedly watching TV. He lifted his glass to his lips and drank the remaining scotch from it before pouring another healthy measure and capping the bottle once more.

He wasn't an alcoholic. He didn't have a problem, but on darker days, which were more frequent now, he needed a few drinks to help him sleep. Push him through another week. Knock him out from reality for a few hours.

He'd tried to stop thinking of her, really tried, but she had a space in his mind constantly. Little things triggered memories and bouts of want for her, and he struggled to push them aside.

Just as his eyelids began to drop, a soft knock came from his front door. He frowned at it, not expecting visitors this late, and rose to open it after checking through his peep hole.

She leaned against the doorframe, eyes cast down even when he opened the door fully and his heart swelled with hope. She looked up at him, almost blankly before stepping into his apartment uninvited and glanced around.

"Has your wife left?" She asked with a hint of sharpness, he closed the door as he tiptoed around her never end anger.

"Long gone. Left the day...the day you did." He paused to let her continue but she didn't. Instead she walked a little away from him and folded her arms across her chest. "She won't be back."

"60 seconds." She said, turning to face him. "And then I'm out that door forever too. Tell me why you lied."

"I didn't lie. I just, didn't want to bring it up. I know it looks suspicious but the reality is we have been separate for over a year, unhappy for long before that. I've seen her once or twice to discuss what we are doing and it always ends in a fight. We are done, so fucking beyond done that I didn't even think to mention her to you." He sighed. "I know I should have, but I was scared you'd leave."

She mulled over his words for a moment then shrugged walking to the door, shaking her head.  He stepped aside reluctantly as he rubbed his forehead.

"I'm sorry, Nat. I was an idiot."

"Yeah, you were. Still are." She frowned, hesitating over the door handle. "You should have just told me at the beginning."

"Would you have stayed?" He asked, tentatively taking a step to stand behind her.

"No." She said immediately, shaking her head as she turned to look at him. "I'm not someone's second choice."

"You never were." He frowned, "Not mine."

"Or a home-wreaking-"

"No, Nat! Enough!" He stopped her, his turn to interrupt. She let her lips form a tight line as she stopped talking to let him continue. "It was long over before you were in the picture."

"You still should have told me!" she huffed stubbornly, turning back to the door to leave before he gently took her hand.

"I know, I know." He gently pulled her closer, " I regret not telling you, but it doesn't mean what you think it does." She rolled her eyes and he frowned slightly in irritation "Nat, if you aren't here to listen to me, why are you here?" He saw straight through her, and she looked up at him as her fierceness diminished slightly.

"I am listening." She frowned adamantly but he raised a brow in response.

"You're hearing only what you want to hear." He sighed letting go of her hand and stepping away. "I never used you, Natasha. You weren't an excuse or a mistake. I don't know what else you want me to say to fix this." He picked up his scotch again and downed the glass. She watched, still in the same spot as he dropped back onto the sofa, defeated, yet she still lingered. "And fuck, I wish I did."

Natasha pursed her lips slightly, slowly folding her arms as she took a few steps forward head bowed. "You don't have to say what I want." She sighed, stopping in front of him. "What do you want to say?"

He kept his hands clasped around the empty glass, staring at it for a long moment. "That I'm sorry, that I hated and loved what we had. I hated that we couldn't go out to dinner or the movies like normal, I couldn't invited you places or visit you when I wanted. I hated that it appeared to you that this was just about sex." He slowly looked up at her, watching him, and gave a small sad smile. "But I loved you. Love you."

"Do you think I cared about any of that stuff?" She frowned with concern, brows furrowing together. "I couldn't care less that we never did what normal couples could do. I cared about being with you, and if that meant being stuck in here day and night, great. As long as you were here, I'd be happy." She eased forward, letting him lean back slightly in the sofa and set his glass down. She took this as invitation to lower her knees either side of his thighs and straddle his lap. "Because I love you too."

He saw the light sparkle in her eyes returning, as did she when his eyes shone with relief. His hands rested on her hips as she unfolded her arms to smooth back his hair.

"You deserve so much more than me, Nat. Don't-"

"I deserve to be happy." She said, giving a small smile for a brief moment. "As do you. You're not a bad guy, you know."

"Only you think that." He sighed as she cupped his cheeks in her hands.

"Not only me, I'm sure." She considered telling him the lengthy chats she'd had with Wanda about him over the past week or so, but decided now wasn't the time. She leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips, tender and loving which he returned just as gently.
She moved to curl into his lap, resting against his chest as he kissed her hair and hugged her tightly to him.

She'd never admit it, but this was what she really came for.

Everything fell into place once more, and as much as she had pushed away the idea of ever being this way with him again, truthfully she'd never been so happy than to be curled up in his arms once more.

He's never been so relieved.