The Wolf, The Dog, and The Maiden

Chapter 8: Torn

Those hurt eyes still were real for you... You saw the pain in that blues when he begged you for sorry. He was still your Grumpy.

But what he did... What he did was unforgivable in your heart. And every time you thought about forgiving him and move on you could see the shocked stained eyes of Sigurd's dead body looking to nowhere... Remembering he wasn't there to sing to you and make your bad dreams go away and it was Ivar's fault.

You wish you could disappear as Björn did... You wish to be so disconnected as he was, leaving like nothing has happened, smiling into that boat while his brother's tomb was still fresh enough for you to feel the smell of messed earth around. You hated him so bad! You could still remember the way Hvitserk tried to hold you after you pushed and punched Björn's chest like crazy, accusing him to be the worst brother of all for leaving his family in such a hard moment.

"Your destiny my ass, Björn! You just don't want to be what you are! You don't want to be our older brother! You're leaving, just like Ragnar did! You just a coward! That's what you are!"

Your words, echoing in your head, making you go a little more far from the camp, trying to find some silent place where the voices in your head just shut up.

How could you leave? How could you disappear when your family was so torn? You spent the last month looking at them. Trying to see on Ubbe whatever Björn was able to see that made him so sure he could handle that situation. Your wolf... He was so torn... So broken... So... Weak...

You could see the fear in his eyes every single time he looked to Ivar... And the way he was always looking to the horizon, so tired...

Ubbe was never strong enough to the tasks he put on his shoulders. He took to himself the responsibility of raising Hvitserk, Sigurd and even you after Ragnar has left, but he was just a young man, he wasn't your father... And you have to admit your godmother was an amazing woman, but she raised Ivar only...

Ubbe was always putting himself aside to tend everyone's needs and you always knew one day it would be too much for him. He was never strong enough to face this kind of problem... Your family was breaking, his brothers were divided and you knew he was blaming himself for Sigurd's death more than really being able to control Ivar's temper. Sooner or later, Ivar would show himself stronger than Ubbe's control and it would end up destroying the last bounds that were keeping your brothers united. And you just couldn't let it happen.

Also, in the bottom of yourself you knew that need Ubbe had for settling down wasn't really his desire to fulfill your godfather's wishes, but his own need to build something for him, to go back to the peaceful times of your childhood where all he had to do was hunt, fish and take care of some roots for you to have some good food to the dinner. You could read his eyes...

Same way you could read Ivar's.

He never liked these times.

He wasn't able to go on hunting games with Ubbe and Sigurd, to fish or play in the water as Hvitserk and you used to do. But he saw himself able to kill, to raid, to fight... He was able to lead, he was able to conquer, and he wanted it more than anything in the world.

He couldn't stop talking about York and how perfect the city would be to establish a base or how he could use the army to raid even more lands in England, maybe the entire place...

In other times, you would be supporting him. You would be talking with Ubbe, Sigurd, and Hvitserk about letting him go if he wanted to, about trust in his ability as a leader and a strategist. You always believed in him and at different times, you would be supporting his initiative.

But after what he did...

There were so many questions in your head, so many things, thoughts...