Bullied and hurt (English version)

.4.

Dear diary,

This morning when I woke up, I was scared... scared to go to school.

I have this fear for months now and its only getting worse.

What if I don't dare to come out of this house and needs homeschool?

Today I went to school, otherwise I won't have the percentage that you need to have.

Every student has a obligatory education, if you miss school for more than two weeks you get into trouble.

All bullshit if you ask me.

I already have trouble at school every day. Troubles that every student can see, but where nobody dares to change it. 

Even the teachers don't do anything to stop them from bullying me and they always give me bad grades, for everything! 

Which results into a fight with my parents and house arrest. 

Life is bullshit!

I wish it was all over, but what do I have to do?

I have to continue this way, it will be over right?

At a certain point it has to get bored, that bullying right?

When I got home and into my bedroom, like an hour ago, I was thinking about the dead.

"There's life after the dead" is what you hear in songs or that's what people say, but what if there's not life after the dead?

What if there's only a hell, just to punish everyone? 

Everyone does something bad in his or her life, right?

I don't really know, I don't understand a thing about this world.

The wrong person always dies, the persons you stand the closest too.

My grandma died when I was ten, seven years ago.

Why did she had to die?

Why did the nicest grandma that I had?

I can't believe that I'm still excist.

What's my function in this life? 

Everybody hates me.

Maybe I'm only excist so I can suffer.

If that's true, than I better need to hurry with my plan.

I don't want to say that I'm pathetic, not at all, but I don't think I deserve to live on this earth. 

At times when they bully at school again and I only cry in my room here, I miss my grandmother.

I could always talk to her so well, she understood me.

She listened to me and gave me advice.

Most of the time her advice was "It will be okay, if you just stay yourself, everything will be fine and you will also be able to make friends easier".

Then I could laugh about it, but now I can only cry.

I wish life was that simple.