Bullied and hurt (English version)

.2.

Dear diary, 

I have just returned home from another day in hell. 

It was really awful! 

Notes that I am fat and ugly are coming every day and it hurts, but I also know that it is true what they say. 

I am ugly and fat, so I have to eat less from now on. 

Just leave my food untouched.

Some say; after rain comes sunshine, but I do not believe that. 

It has been raining for five years and no sunbeam has yet been visible, metaphorically speaking.

Fortunately, I know what I have to do now and what I will do now. 

It does not hurt anymore, because I do it a few times every night. 

Just as long as all pain is gone.

Today they were waiting for me with a large group after school and I could not leave because they stopped me. 

They pulled me off my bike and kicked me. 

I could not defend myself, not that I wanted to. 

That doesn't help at all. 

My bike was completely broken and thrown into the ditch and I am under the bruises again. 

They kept on going, they kicked me into my stomach for like twenty times, I think. 

It was very smart of myself to pretend that I was dead, because that's the reason why they stopped kicking me.

They left and I had to walk eight kilometers, since I had to cycle eight kilometers further, but I couldn't use my bicycle anymore because it was torn apart.

Tomorrow is Friday and therefore the last day in hell for the weekend.

The only bright spot, because in the weekends the school (hell) is closed.

Not that I'm going to do something fun in the weekend, because where can I go? 

I have no friends and so I can not meet them every afternoon. 

I am completely alone in this life and I can't go on like this anymore. 

See you tomorrow. 
Love, Nola.

I close my diary again and wait a minute. I have described exactly what happened today, except what happened inside the bicycle shed.

I walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror for the first time in five years. The girl I see in the mirror is not the girl that I want to be. This girl is ugly and fat, the girl that I want and need to be has to be a lot thinner.

The longer I look at myself, the more hatred comes into my body. How can I look at this? Such an ugly monster. With my hand I make a fist and not much later I hit the mirror a few times, at the level of my face. After the last blow, there is a big crack. I hate myself.

Very well, so I can not see my ugly face anymore. However, there is a piece of glass in my hand. It does not hurt, if it were to happen to someone else that person would have been crying away to the first aid box, but it does not matter to me anyway. Maybe it helps me to become more beautiful, so that I am accepted by everyone.

I grab the end of the piece of glass and pull it out of my hand. The whole point of the glass is filled with blood and there is a hole in my hand. I take a towel and wrap it around it, I do not want my parents to see it.

I walk to the door and lock it up, nobody needs to be in the bathroom anyway. My father is reading downstairs in his chair, who has not even noticed that I am back at home, my sister is not at home, she is at a friends house and I told my mother that I do not want to be disturbed because of my homework. Yes, of course I also have to do homework. Who doesn't got any homework at school? Everyone who is in school has to do homework, but now I have to do what I always do.

I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and take out my pocket knife. I put the pocket knife next to me, because otherwise I can not take off my shirt. I pull my shirt over my head and for a moment I still see the scratches on my stomach, from yesterday. I could not go on for a long time yesterday, because my father had to shower yesterday. But I do not need long. Five minutes, at most.

I grab my pocket knife and put it on my arm, at the height of the inside of my elbow. Slightly lower, because there it hurts more than up there. I push the pocket knife and feel the knife in my skin. Of course, the first cut still hurts, but as I put more, the pain fades.

The tears are on my cheeks, school is such a hell and I can not find a way to get rid of it anymore. I only know that I will not rest until this hellish pain is gone. Everyone hates me and I do not know why. I probably have said something wrong once or I am just a loser. That they just know what kind of person I am.

I look at my arm and proudly nod. It is successful, the pain from today events is gone. Cutting myself is the solution! As long as I do this, I have no more pain.

,,Nola?" Out of fright I let my knife, covered in my blood, fall to the ground. My mother is in front of the door. She can not come inside, because she can not see my knife! You're such a pussy! You're doing really well right now, but whenever you hear your mother you quit?!  ,,Nola, I just want to take a shower, I have a meeting and I don't want to be late." Don't let her in, proceed you ugly child!

,,Just one second!" I quickly yell and pull my sweater back on. It's a sweater with long sleeves and so nobody will see the scars, which is not what I intended to. I grab my pocketknife from the bathroom floor and put it back into my pocket. I walk over to the door, while the towel is still over my hand. It's very easy to explain that to my mom. 

,,Finally." My mother walks inside and looks at me. ,,What were you doing in here, anyway?" Loser! Unbelievable that you really opened the door, stupid child!

,,I uh..." 

,,Why is the mirror broken into pieces?" 

,,The mirror just spontaneously cracked. I don't have much, only a piece of glass in my hand." Ha ha, is that all you can think off? You're so hopeless!  My mother looks astonished, but doesn't say anything. 

,,Show me your hand." She says after she looked to the mirror for a while. I remove the towel from my hand and show her the wound. Luckily it doesn't bleed anymore, through which it looks a lot less painful. ,,Fortunately it isn't so bad." She says after examine my injury and I rol unseen with my eyes. 

,,Nola, shouldn't you be working on your homework?" My father enters the bathroom. I sigh and look at him. Of course he's the one who only cares about my grades! Offended I step into the hallway, straight to my room. Show to me that you're strong and cut yourself!  I lock my bedroom door and sit down on my bed. Now I'm alone again and nobody can stop me from cutting anymore. I pull off my sweater again and grab my pocket knife. Very good, and now you need to cut yourself! Just put that knife inside of your skin, bitch!  I put the knife into my other arm and cut it open, just enough so you can see a incision.