Poisoning From The Inside

Can Everything Broken Be Fixed?

I was still rendered speechless, as I looked at Izaya. He had started to gather himself, and he was no longer crying, while I sat on the floor, tears apparent in my eyes. I didn't know how to feel. Should I feel sorry for the flea? Should I be angry at myself? How should I feel towards this situation? I didn't think about my actions, I just pulled Izaya into my arms. I just wanted to hold him and show him everything was okay. Izaya pulled back and looked into my wet eyes.

"Can I kiss you?" He blatantly asked. My eyes widened in surprise. I understood his feelings for me, but I didn't necessarily return them. He was still my enemy, no matter what I did to help him. I could see the begging in his eyes, as he silently pleaded for me to say yes.

I turned my head away, so I wasn't looking him in the eyes. "We're still enemies Izaya. Why would I think about kissing you?" I didn't mean to sound cold or even mean. I just wanted to understand his way of thinking.

He turned me to look back at him. "Didn't you tell me that maybe I could convince you to think different about me? Let me do this. If you don't feel anything afterwards, I'll give up on you. Deal?" I couldn't help but want to accept his deal. I nodded my head and shut my eyes, waiting for him to get it over with.

Izaya leaned forward and connected his lips with mine. They were soft and sour, from the amount of alchohol he had ingested. I felt really sorry for his liver right about now. He crawled onto my lap, and straddled my hips, which was pushing the envelope a bit. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and pushed his chest against mine, moving his lips rhythmically against my own. As much as I hated to admit it, I couldn't help but wrap my arms around his waist and kiss him back. 

I felt Izaya smile against my lips. Even if I didn't want to admit I was enjoying this, I was happy he was happy. I felt Izaya entangle his hands into my hair, as his other hand caressed my cheek. I could feel my cheeks begin to burn. I didn't know why I had suddenly began to feel this way, but I had a hunch. Maybe the flea was right. Maybe I did feel something, but I just wasn't sure if I felt this way.

I pulled away from Izaya and looked him in the eyes. His face was sun-burnt red. He tried to turn his head away so that I wasn't looking at him, but I turned him back to look at me. I planted a quick soft kiss on his lips, "Okay okay. Fine, maybe there is a small shred of something I feel toward you, but if I try to make this arrangement work, you've got to promise to listen to me, and let me help you. Okay?"

Izaya smiled, and for the first time in a while, I could sense he was actually emitting happiness. "Does this mean you'll give a relationship with me a chance?" He looked up at me, eyes full of hope. I shook my head almost instantly.

"I don't fell that strongly for you," Izaya's face sank and I did the best I could to get that smile back, just so he wouldn't pick that bottle back up. "Yet. I don't feel that strongly for you yet. The best I can do now is agree to a friends with benefits relationship with you," I turned my head, hiding my growing blush. This flea would be the death of me.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Izaya beam. "Does that mean I can kiss you?" he whispered. I slowly nodded, questioning my answer. Izaya turned my head toward his, and leaned in. I stopped him and pointed at the bottle of vodka on the floor. "Pour that down the sink, and brush your teeth, and then I'll kiss you-" I blushed beet red and widened my eyes, "I-I mean you can k-kiss me!" 

Izaya smiled and hugged me before getting up, taking the bottle of alchohol with him. Before he was out of sight, he turned to me and smiled. "Thank you. I probably would've killed myself tonight if you hadn't showed up today. I can't even begin to tell you how thankful I am," With that, he entered his bathroom and shut the door. 

I sat on his couch, and laughed at myself. I couldn't believe what I was doing. Was I about to make out with the flea to keep him from drinking his life away, or was I doing it because I actually gave a damn about him? I didn't even understand my thought process anymore. Though, I wasn't going to ignore the fact that that kiss with Izaya, actually made me feel way different than I would've thought. I actually. . . enjoyed it. 

I heard the shower in Izaya's bathroom start and I felt the gears in my head turning. I started to hysterically laugh. Did Izaya think I would get into bed with him if he took and shower and charmed me? I would never do that unless I loved him deeply. Which I was trying to convince myself that I didn't. Fuck no. I would not let his charm work on me. I wasn't his play thing. If anything, I would act as a counselor towards him. 

About 30 minutes later I was in Izaya's kitchen, after a long day of not eating a single thing.  I opened Izaya's fridge, and there was nothing but junk food and alchohol. I sighed in annoyance and sat down in his kitchen with a glass of water. Izaya, walked out of his bathroom and sat next to me at the table. He smelled clean; like Lavender and Chamomile. I hated to say it, but as close of a proximity as he was, and the clean smell that could only be described as Izaya himself, made me blush and fidget in my seat. 

"Can I kiss you now?" Izaya said, interrupting me from my thoughts. I shook my head. I had to get my head on straight. I was getting too excited by Izaya's mere presence. It wasn't like me, nor was it normal. Usually people were disgusted by his presence, not turned on by it. Izaya forced me to look at him. "Is something wrong?" His face showed concern and a small shard of worry, and in that moment I knew it. It all became clear.

My old feelings were re-awakening, and I was falling for this flea all over again, and there was not a single thing I could do about it.