Reuniting Gemini

Chapter 2

It's always the same. Diving into your own thoughts, emotions, and memories is similar to studying for a test you have no chance of acing. The words rush by you, the important things stick a little easier, but the insight you seek is more difficult to find. Some have spent lifetimes sifting through all of the mental clutter and discovered there's still no way to bring the labyrinth to end.

Essie wades through a weeks worth of memories, dipping her toes into the moments that weren't so difficult to handle. It's easier to live through tough things when you deny yourself the selfishness of playing the victim. Keeping emotional distance is truly the only way.

Snippets of moments pass by. A meeting with the royal council. Picking out dresses for masquerade ball. Mother and Father arguing over whose responsibility it was to sort through the issues plaguing the world. It'd be much more comforting to have someone to talk everything over with, but that's never been an option. Nobody would understand. Even her friends thought Essie was crazy for feeling upset.

"How could you not want to meet a handsome prince Essie? You should be happy that whoever you marry will be a royal."

"How could you want to leave this all behind? Wouldn't you miss your lifestyle?"

"What makes you think that you'll be better off without all this? I know that I'd be better off if I was in your place."

All this time, they've never been the ones who've felt trapped. They've never known the pain of giving up on things they love, just because it didn't progress their royal status. No, all the angel princes in the world are not worth giving up your passions for. How can you live a passionate and exciting life when you've never been allowed to feel that way?

It all comes down to privilege and status. If you're one of the "lucky" ones you live your life in luxury, but at what cost? There's really
:no one that you can trust. Watching your back everywhere you go is a chore. Painting on layers of makeup everyday that you look under the weather is no way to live. The standards are too high. My body aches for everything to be simple and honest.

But that's not the world that I live in. It never has been. If I marry one of these damned princes I know that it never will be.

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Looking at my reflection in the mirror has gotten harder with time. The more I've lost fragments of myself, the more the person in the mirror looks like a stranger. Is this still my face? Or does it belong to some other person while my soul bleakly watches in the distance as this life is lived?

A knock at the door rips my thoughts out of grasp. Turning to face the sound is automatic, just the same as the shrinking feeling I feel in the pit of my stomach at the appearance of my mother.

"It's time to get downstairs darling, all of the guests have arrived. They're all waiting for you to make an appearance." she says, shutting the door behind her.  Her stride is formal as she makes her way to me, hands clasped firmly together at her hips.

Just how I'm expected to arrive in this ballroom.

"Mom can't I please just make a simple entrance? It's so embarrassing being up in front of everyone like that. It feels over the top."

It'd be easier if I could have my own time to make it through the crowd. Instead, I have to do things their way every time. It's mentally exhausting.

"Now you know that you can't do that darling. How would it make your father and I look if we didn't show you off? After all, this is a large stepping stone for our careers, you know that." she says, affixing a set of diamond earrings into my ears, as was tradition among angelic women.

I remember there were times when the interactions between us weren't this forced. The moments were special, and I realized too late.

"I don't want to be married for that reason though, I want to be married because I'm in love. This feels too rushed, too fake. You're asking me to sacrifice the one thing that's managed to hold your relationship together through the years."

I don't even have to look at her to know that she's rolling her eyes. She thinks I'm acting ridiculous. Like a child. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation.

"Now Estelle, your father and I were lucky enough to find love despite the circumstances we were under. There's nothing that says you can't do the same. For all you know, your true love is out there right now waiting to meet you too. If you don't go out now, you might live your whole life and never meet him again." she says, twirling a small piece of my hair around her jeweled finger.

It used to calm me when she would play with my hair, a special type of soothing for a little girl who'd cry when left alone in the dark.

"Suppose that I find him. If I really am in love with someone tonight, might the engagement be postponed to give us a little time to get to know each other?" 

She remains quiet for a moment. Perhaps she's contemplating if I'm using this as an excuse to draw out the inevitable. Even I don't know the answer to that. What am I doing?

" I can't promise anything for sure, but I will try for you. Now hurry up, I will announce your appearance."  she says, turning on her heel and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I'm afraid for what's in store for my future. How much farther can I fall before I lose myself completely? Every time that I think I reach my limit, I'm dragged through more and more. How long do I have before I can't take it?