OBSIDIAN ISSUE #2 : WOUNDED

NINE

Me:
How are you?

Tinitigan ko ang nabuong mensahe. It felt wrong pero hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. In the end, I just pressed send and pulled in a hope-filled breath. Ilang minuto rin akong nakatutok sa cellphone, naghihintay ng sagot...

"Ms. Vidaurri, are you with us?"

Singhap akong nag-angat sa professor namin sa harap. Binibingi ng kalabog ang puso habang tinutukan ang strikta nitong mga mata.

"Y-yes, Miss..."

I bit my lip while trying to slip the phone inside my pocket.

"Sa lahat ng nandito, ikaw ang dapat na makinig. You have to make up for your multiple absences, Miss Vidaurri. I hope you're aware of that."

Nagtiim bagang ako. Nang tumango ay sinamahan ko ng yuko para magnakaw ng sulyap sa aking cellphone. I just sent a text to my mother. Mag-iisang oras na yata at hindi pa rin siya nag-reply. If there ever was a single figment of affection left in her, I hope my message would reach even just a tiny part of it and she would text me back.

Wala akong mahagip na kahihiyan mula sa buong klase. The expected shame was defeated by the memory of last night's interview of my mother. Because her birthday is in three days and she seems to age backwards, she was asked about her secrets to a happy life and maintaining her youthful glow.

"But I just can't wait to have an apo..." dugtong pa niya sa paunang sinabi tungkol sa pamilya.

Mapait akong ngumiti. I was supposed to watch it 'til the end but Ate Merewald came in and shut the TV off. Mukhang may hinanakit pa rin sa aming ina.

"The Pure O, form of OCD which manifests repetitive and extreme thoughts..." the professor carried on.

Three days. Tatlong araw akong nagkulong sa kuwarto bago naisipan na bumalik sa klase. I thought I wouldn't be allowed inside the school anymore assuming that my mother had already cut down her support for me. Pero nandito pa rin ako. One of the reasons why I texted her.

"This may not be an appropriate question to ask but, have you ever thought of murdering your love ones?"

Umingit ang nasirang plaka bago tuluyang natigil ang tugtugin ng aking isipan. I couldn't hide the horror in my face when I shot a look at our professor. Tama ba ang narinig ko?

"Does that make someone cruel if they only just think about it, Miss? Kahit hindi naman talaga nila gustong gawin iyon?" one of my classmates asked. " I mean... it's somehow psychotic!"

Tumango ang guro. "I tell you, they're just thoughts, dear. But a person with Pure O doesn't act on their violent impulses. They're just merely thoughts, which aggravates when something big comes up. Exams, for example. Or any occassion that calls for pressure..."

Humina ang boses ng propesor habang may gumuguhit ako na kung anu-ano sa notebook. Sa totoo lang, hindi ako kumportabe sa mga ganitong usapan.

"Kaya pala. Malapit na kasi exam natin. This is why I'm always thinking about killing that bitch. May OCD na ba ako?"bulong sa akin ni Sydney.

Tinakpan ko ang bibig. Medyo natawa ako.

"I mean... I really thought she's into me, D," she started her story. "We're touching and started being intimate na. Pero harap-harapan ko silang nakita ng lalake niya. I can't blame her, though. He's fooking hot! But seriously? She fucking cheated on me! Stupid cunt."

Inipit ko ang daliri sa aking labi para patahimikin siya. Sumulyap muli ako sa professor at nahuli siyang nagmamasid sa amin. Umayos ako ng upo at binalingan na ang libro.