Gunpowder and Lace

Drowning

Have you ever been at the bottom of a pool and looked up? Seen the light reflect over the small waves in the water, refracting throughout and filling the pool with a wonderful, fractured light.

 It's very calming, almost like you're in another world. 

It's that sort of image I try to form in my head whenever I feel overwhelmed, like I'm drowning. Every single time, I close my eyes, fill my head with the image of light and tell myself I'm at the bottom of a pool. I can get out whenever I want, all I have to do is push up. I'm not drowning. I'm in control. 

And it works. I always calm down and then I can think. But this time, I can't seem to lock onto the water, the light. The heart monitor next to me is driving me up the wall and I'm about ready to scream when the doctor comes in with a knock.

"Circe Wulfe?"

"Yes."

"Birthday please," he asks again as he flips through my chart.

"Six, twenty-two, ninety-six, as you well know, Carter," I grumbled and the doctor smiled at me. 

"You know I know, Mel, but you also know that it's protocol and Tony's working today."

"So by the book you must go. Tell him I don't miss him."

"Oh, Mel. Like he doesn't already know. But let's talk about you, babe. You got beat up bad. You dislocated your right shoulder, you've severely bruised your left quad, looks like from excessive damage probably kicking, you've got minor contusions to your 7-10 ribs, and you have a moderate concussion."

"So I'll live," I laugh and regret it when I hurt and the heart monitor changes it's tempo momentarily.

"Yeah. You'll live. But I'm worried about you, love."

"I'll be fine."

"This time, Mel. But maybe next time... I can't lose you, Mel. You're one of the only people who actually sees me as me and loves me."

I took one his hands in mine and smiled at him.

"I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. These bastards can't do much more than bother me."

"Yeah well the bothering is breaking bones and I need my best surgeon not to break herself."

"Hey, Carter?"

"What's up Mel?"

"Fuck off."

"Heard that. I'll be back. Give us a couple days and then you can go home."

I nodded and then he left. My dad sat next to me and he shifted in his seat and I looked over.

"Dad, go stretch. Get a coffee or something. I'll be fine. I'm in the middle of a hospital."

"I don't want to leave you right now, love."

"Daddy. You need to be able to stretch. I'm gonna be here for the next couple of days and I need to be able to live my own life. Please go stretch."

"You'll call the nurse if you need anything?"

I nodded with a smile and he shifted to kiss my forehead before he went to leave and I yawned. All of this was tiring and I lay in bed, trying to conjure up my fractured light, trying to calm myself and I heard the door open.

I opened my eyes to see who it was and came face to face with a man. He wasn't a doctor, no matter his lab coat, and I saw his cold eyes fix to my face and I knew he was going to try and kill me. But for the moment, he stood watching me and I sat up, frozen, watching him.