''But there were obstacles,'' Luna finished for her, the unsaid words that hung in the air in Clarke's mind. And then, almost bitterly, she said: ''There always are.''
''... yeah.'' Clarke swallowed a breath. ''There was the Maunon. And then there w-was Lexa's paralysis,'' and she closed her eyes, because the image of Lexa's screams still burned in her mind, ''and Pike.'' and she caught a breath, because the crowd's jeers and the slice of blood enraptured her mind and she was back there, repulsed and disgusted as she watched a sport of blood, ''And there were ALIE's chips.'' and she didn't even want to think, not anymore, about a world of peace that masqueraded so, that was ripped from their fingers once its true colours showed.
God, she didn't even want to begin to remember. All of that conflict, between Grounder and Skaikru, that had hurt them and their families, shattered their lives and broke them, sending people to their deaths and choosing who lived and who died, a burden which she and Lexa had shouldered. Fights, tensions, and wars, that was shut out by a Death Wave that joined them together in a war for survival.
But now—now, in a world where nothing lived but them—she realised how different it could be. How her life didn't need to be dictated by the survival of her people, or a choice that affected thousands anymore. Her choice could just be as simple as spear-fishing or hunting—and not pulling a lever to save the people she cared for at the expense of two hundred lives. Of how her love didn't need to be forsaken for her people—without some nagging advisor saying it was weakness, without the same words coming from Lexa's mouth, without someone shooting at them because he believed Lexa would make a better leader without her, and then again without a paralysed Commander because her people thought they were doing what they must, what was the best for themselves.
She could love freely, without judgement nor care in the world, without anyone wrinkling a nose and telling them it was unfit of two leaders whose priority needed to be for their people, and not themselves. She could kiss Lexa without looking over her shoulder for a stray bullet, their worries that were once looking out for their lives became watching out for Madi during those... times.
And what would happen two years later when they opened the bunker? Would their fights resume, would their battle for peace be reignited? And a selfish—selfish part of her didn't want to free them. Didn't want to open a bunker just to start a new war. She wanted to stay here, with Lexa and Madi, wanted to just live a life of peace with them. Without mixing the chaos those underneath brought with them.
She had forgotten what it had felt like to be a leader. And at that moment, she didn't want to be one anymore. She just wanted to hold on to being Clarke, for as long as she could. She wanted to live a quiet life with Lexa and Madi, wanted to go about a day without saving the world, with her only choices ones of normal lives.
But when she opened her eyes, she knew her fantasy could be for no longer.
Luna nodded, quietly, as she met Clarke's downcast eyes. ''Peace never comes easy,'' she finally said, as she lifted her head to meet Clarke's glistening eyes. ''And it is only after our trials can we have a chance for it. It may sound wishful, but peace can happen. But it is remaining peace— that is the hardest virtue in the world.''
Clarke sighed, slightly. ''I wish it wasn't,'' she said. And then, quieter, angrier: ''Why can't anything be simple? J-just unite everyone and-and have it over with. Without strife or war.'' And even as she said it, it was hollow. She knew it could never be. Not when they only served only themselves in their hearts.
''Because we are human,'' Luna replied, echoing what Clarke heard in her head. ''We are human, and our thoughts only extend to those who matter to us. Not on a grander scale nor a greater scheme for the whole of us.'' and she sighed, slightly. ''I tried, once, with Floukru,'' and the corner of her lips quirked, ''I'd like to think that we succeeded. But ironically, it is I who ruined the peace we once had.''
Silence. And then— ''You didn't know better,'' Clarke murmured, and even this she surprised herself, as her eyes met Luna's. ''You can't blame yourself for that.''
''And they call you the Maunon Slayer.'' Luna said bitterly, almost like a jab, but her voice was soft, kind. And finally, she tore her glance away from Clarke, as she shook her head in the slightest. ''I... do not understand how you managed to defeat those... savages, but I thank you, Clarke kom Skaikru. For—for saving us all from them.''
For Madi, was the words she meant, and it lingered in the air.
Clarke didn't respond, nor did she meet Luna's gaze. But then finally, she cleared her throat and gazed at her square in the eyes. ''I thought you hated war, Luna.''
Luna chuckled, startling Clarke. ''I do. I don't condone the means that you have done in by,'' and with that, her glance tore away from Clarke, as if contemplating the lives taken, ''But you made your choice in survival. We all had.''
Nothing came from both parties. They rested on the couch, as they thought of their own respective lives. There was—there was so much Clarke regretted, she realised, so many choices and decisions and options that swirled in her head but weren't there then. But there were so much she did that she stood by, no matter what happened.
(And could she judge Luna, for doing the same?)
And with it a sigh, Clarke's gaze roamed around the abode, to listening to Lexa and Madi's chatters outside, to meet Luna's eyes.
Luna's gaze was scrutinising, close. Her eyes curious, as her gaze landed on Clarke's face. And when she finally spoke, it was a slow question, one tinged with a peculiarity: ''You are... intimate, I take it, with Lexa?''
Clarke's surprise showed. Blinking, she returned Luna's slight, questioning gaze, and nodded. ''I am.''
Luna stood from her seat and swept the notebook away from the desk. And when her eyes turned back to meet Clarke's, they were shimmering with something. Sadness? Wistfulness? Happiness? Regret?
''Cherish her,'' she said, voice wistful as she gazed at Clarke. ''She is one of a kind, Clarke kom Skaikru. You deserve her.''
And then she tore her glance away, and left, leaving Clarke to contemplate her words.
Chapter 61
Start from the beginning
