Chaos in His Heart |VLD S8 Rewrite|

CiHH Chapter 1

The medical bay was a cold room, the appearance matching the temperature. Allura stood on the other side of the glass window pane, watching as the garrison doctors busied themselves with the Altean who was still lying unconscious on the table. They moved around her methodically, tapping away on keyboards and scanning through data. Allura's hands found her hips in an act of nervousness and she fought off the urge to pace.

She had lost track of just how many times she had found herself here, standing and staring for hours, just waiting desperately for something to happen. She had lost track of how much guilt overwhelmed her when she looked at the Altean, lost track of how many questions she had. It seemed impossible to see another Altean out in the world like this, but every time she thought something was impossible, the universe stepped in to prove her wrong. In her dreams at night, she still saw the moment the robeast opened and revealed the Altean inside. She felt the weight of the shock settle into the depths of her bones, making her feel heavy and weary- leaving her with a sort of tiredness she could never shake.

But then again, it wasn't just the Altean that made her feel that way, it was the war in general. It was the sleepless nights, the screams of her comrades as they fell prey in the midst of battle. These things made her feel like she actually was ten thousand years old; they made her joints ache when she walked and her heart beat slowly in her chest. It didn't matter how much sleep she got, she'd come to realize, she would always feel a sort of dense tiredness in the back of her mind, dragging her down. She wondered if she'd ever feel free again.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the set of footsteps that came up behind her. It wasn't until Romelle appeared at her side with a soft exhale that she snapped her thoughts back to the present, never tearing her gaze away from the other Altean.

"You know," Romelle said with no preamble, her own gaze fixated on the red-headed girl before them, "Luca and I didn't exactly get along back at the colonies, but I always respected her. She had an inner strength that many don't. She had the desire to be a part of something greater than herself."

Allura took in a breath, feeling the way it settled into the bottom of her lungs like a weight. "If she was so desperate for something to believe in, she may have been susceptible to being manipulated."

She tried to ignore the way the words felt raw as she said them, to ignore the way it felt like salt in an open wound. She tried not to let Lotor's face flash before her, but she couldn't stop it. She couldn't stop the pit of despair that opened up inside of her because she knew how Luca felt, she understood. She had once been so desperate for something to believe in, so desperate just to feel like she belonged somewhere that she had been manipulated. She had opened herself up only to have her heart taken advantage of and tricked- she opened herself up only to be made a fool of and it stung, still cutting as deep as it had the first day. She hated him for it.

More than that, she hated him because she could see his touch in the tragedy that was before her. She could feel his lust for power in the way Luca had come after them without holding back, she could see his obsession in the way she had given her everything, risking her life in the process. Allura could only imagine what Lotor had said to corrupt her, to make her susceptible to the idea that fighting Voltron was the right answer. It wasn't hard for her to imagine Luca's hair as white, her skin darker... it wasn't hard for her to replace Luca with Lotor on that table. The thought haunted her.

He still came to her in her dreams, whispering in her ear the way he had in life. She woke up in a cold sweat most nights, trembling and terrified. The guilt that came with loving him and leaving him was perhaps the heaviest of the guilt she beared. It was perhaps the one that weighed her down the most, the one that she hid at the very depths of her heart. She didn't like to admit that she had fallen for him and certainly didn't like to admit that she missed him. That she still longed for him on occasion.