This Is The Beat Of My Heart | A Star Is Born ✔️

7.

A/N: double update! Go read the chapter before this one if you haven't yet!

Also, slight trigger warning for mentions of suicide, alcoholism, and drug use.

XX

"Don't tell me I'm too far gone."

-Bradley Cooper, "Too Far Gone"

XX

"You mentioned that you tried to take your own life. Was that your first time trying?"

Much as Jackson hated reliving that day, as much as he wished that he could go back in time and change it, he couldn't.

He looked up and locked eyes with the man in front of him. David Whitfield. Specializes in self injury, suicide and suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, and addiction. He had seen many famous people in his day, he was regarded as one of those "best of the best" types. So, Jackson had decided to see him, and see how things went. If the best could help him, he would gladly go for it.

"It was. It was the first time I actually tried it." Jackson answered him.

"First time you tried it. So, you've thought about it before I'm assuming." Whitfield scribbled something down.

"I have. Plenty of fucking times. But that night, I was sure I was going to end it all." Many times he came to the conclusion that his life wasn't worth it, before even meeting Ally as well. There were days when everything felt mundane, where it felt as though everyone gave up on him. He always wondered why not? But he had never actually acted upon those thoughts. Partly because he figured it would happen soon enough anyways, and partly because he rarely even had the energy to even do that.

"What drove you to that point? Do you know what made you snap?"

"Everything piling on. I just finally... broke."

"What's everything?"

"My wife, Ally's, I'm sure you've heard of her, her manager said some things that made me think about what I was doing with myself. At that point, I was better than I was, but I still fucked up in the past. People still thought about what I did when my name was mentioned."

The man nodded. "This manager, what did he say to you?"

Jackson really didn't want to think about that, but supposed he had to, to help himself get over it. That's what he was here for. "That I ain't nothing but a burden to Ally, essentially. That all she ever did was clean up my messes. And that even she knew this, and would never admit it to me."

"So, you obviously believed these words to be truth. Why?"

"Because, they were. I'd made so many mistakes, I'd embarrassed her so much. It's part of the reason I even went to rehab after all of these years." It was true. Ally wasn't the sole reason he decided to get better, but she was a huge part of it. Without her, he probably would've never even gone to rehab. He had suffered all of those years before her, Bobby had tried to get him to go, and he never was able to. Ally was the push that he needed, whether he wanted to admit it or not. She helped him realize the extent of his problem. That he needed to get better. There was nothing wrong with a little push in the right direction. He owed a lot to her.

"He was likely being defensive because he does control her career and makes sure her image stays shiny. Although, it was a still wrong of him to bring it up to you like that. It obviously triggered you to act on something you never would've, if he never said it, right?"

"Right. I thought about what he said... and thought maybe Ally was better off without me. And Bobby. He was the one who cleaned up my messes before Ally. They would all be so much happier, I thought. All of 'em."