Annihilate

yet another open letter

The first person I ever fell in love with taught me what true heartbreak is. He taught me what it felt like to be put on a pedestal, and what it felt like to be thrown off it without warning. The first person I ever fell in love with had no fucking idea that I was even in love with him in the first place – and for good reason. But in saying that, he also taught me that I was stronger than I realised. That I didn't need to, or shouldn't have to depend on someone else when it came to my own self-worth. Without him, I'd still be shy and timid and quiet when it came to standing up for myself or others.

Without him, I'd be weak.

The second person I fell in love with me showed me what it was like to be loved. He helped me find my self worth and he helped me see my beauty, inside and out. He helped me fall in love with myself again. This beautiful soul taught me that mutual love wasn't as scary as I thought it would be; that time and distance shouldn't change a thing. But it did. Because we changed during those long distances and weeks and months and years. Through him, I learned that it didn't matter how much you wanted something or how perfect someone seemed, timing is everything. Communication is everything. As much as we wanted to be together, it just couldn't happen. Without him, I don't think I would know what being loved by someone who wasn't family felt like. Without him, I wouldn't know how to let someone go; let a dream I'd been wishing for so badly go.

But that's exactly what it was – a dream. A picture perfect dream that I came to realise could never happen because I was not a picture perfect person and never really wanted a picture perfect life. 

The truth is, he helped grow my confidence and self esteem. During some of my darkest days, he helped me see the light by telling me what my future held - what our future held. He told me, but he never really asked. We talked, but it was never really something of substance - nothing mind blowing or informing or... important. 

And then came the third person who pretty much got shoved into my life and then decided to stay. It's barely been a year and already he has taught me that no matter what kind of bad stuff happens, feel it and accept it and then let it go. This boy has shown me how to accept my flaws and faults and to not feel embarrassed about things I cannot help.

It's barely been a year, and already he's taught me so much about life through his eyes. Life from a perspective that I never realised I needed.

Maybe I'm in love but it's too early to say. All I know is that I genuinely enjoy being around him – that I never get sick of talking to him and learning new things about him. All I know is that listens to me. For the first time in my life, there is someone here who likes me and sees me. Not as someone he wants me to be or someone that he thinks I am because of what others say. He sees me.

For the first time in my life, I feel a belonging rather than a longing. For the first time in my life, I feel completely at ease with someone that I know likes me back.

For the first time in my life, I almost feel like I'm at home when I'm with him.

And, quite frankly, it is honestly the most terrifying and mind blowing and most wonderful feeling ever.