UNRAVELED ~ STEVE ROGERS [3]

Chapter One

“So, Keight. How are you feeling today?”

That is a good question. How does a depressed person describe how they’re feeling in one word? It’s more a collection of actions. It’s like living in a world where everyone else sees in colour but all you can see is black and white. Where sleep is either staring at the ceiling till the early hours of the morning or waking up screaming because the horrors in your head might be real, after all.

Its laughing and smiling with your friends but wanting to fall asleep and never wake up when you’re alone.

It’s all of these things, and so much more.

Elizabeth, my therapist, shuffled her papers and clicked her pen, her pale blue eyes looking earnestly at me, waiting for an answer. I shifted in my chair, pulling my legs up against my chest, compacting my frame into the small space.

“Its, uh, how do I explain it? It’s like I’m worn. I’m butter spread over too much bread, like Bilbo said in Lord of the Rings, I think it was.” I fiddled with the end of my braid, my fingers trembling ever so slightly.

“You’re right. It was Bilbo that said that,” Elizabeth looked down at her notes. “It says here you didn’t go with the others last week? Can you tell me why?” She always sounded so, interested in what I had to say. And maybe she was. I sighed.

“Um, they were going to Spain, and I opted to stay behind and join Tony and Happy with the pack up of the Tower,” I said slowly, choosing my words carefully.

“Why didn’t you want to go to Spain?” She asked. But I wasn’t that stupid. I knew, that she knew why. She just wanted me to say it.

“You know about Spain. Thirteen people died that day. Five were men and women I was in charge of. Eight were civilians. That should be reason enough for me to avoid it.” I spoke harshly, although I didn’t mean to. Elizabeth was used to my mood swings by now and ignored my rough tone.

“Fair enough. Moving on,” she peered down at her notes. “What changes have you made this week?”

One of the things Elizabeth and I worked on was making one change in my life each week. It was supposed to help me to move on from what happened in Sokovia, and to gain a little more control over what happened in my life as it continued. As much as I resented Elizabeth sometimes, what we talked about and worked on was helping, even if it was slow going.

“Last week I changed my room around. I moved my bed from the corner to the middle and put my desk on the far wall. But…” I trailed off. Elizabeth cocked an eyebrow.

“But?”

I sighed.

“When, when I get up in the night for a glass of water or to go to the bathroom, I bump into things. I haven’t gotten used to it yet.”

There were still some things I didn’t tell Elizabeth, even though I knew I could trust her to keep everything a secret. Some things were just too personal, just too terrible to say aloud.

I didn’t bump into things in the night. Steve did, when he came through the door that adjoined our rooms, to wake me up from the nightmares that left me with welts along my arms and burn marks in my sheets.

“And what do you have planned for this week?” Elizabeth scribbled on her notepad at looked up at me, her pretty raven hair framing her pale face. I smiled. My change this week was actually going to make a difference, not in my life, but in someone else’s.

“It’s a secret. You’ll see next week,” I said slyly. Elizabeth pondered this and nodded before writing something down. I ran my fingers over the lumpy scars on my palms, a reminder of days that seemed so long ago, but in reality, was only two years.

A time when maybe I wasn’t so lost. It seemed odd, that such a time existed.

“Anything else you want to talk about today?” Elizabeth looked me in the eyes. She never seemed to be bothered by my appearance. My unnaturally green eyes, my butt length white hair, the pale white scar across my cheek that turned purple in the cold. She simply saw me as I was, and she could not comprehend how much that mean to me.

“Tomorrow is games night. We’re playing Monopoly. Its my favourite game,” I said. It sounded childish, having a favourite board game, but maybe being childish was something I needed.

“Because you always win?” Elizabeth smiled. I returned it.

“I always win Monopoly. No one can beat me,” I said proudly. Elizabeth’s eyes crinkled when she grinned.

“You’ll have to tell me all about it next week.”

***

It was just after lunchtime, and I was munching away on a burger as I drove my truck through New York, following F.R.I.D.A.Y’s instructions. So much had changed, in so little time. J.A.R.V.I.S was gone, replaced by Vision, who sounded like him, and in a way was him, only, more alive. The compound felt a little bigger without Bruce, ever since he flew away in that Quinjet, and I missed Thor’s infectious laughter and the talks we had of Asgard. He told me he would take me to visit it one day. To see the city of my people.

I no longer wore a suit of black, but of dark green. Tony had thought we needed a little more colour now that Bruce was gone. I didn’t need a targeting system on my lenses after a few lessons with Clint at the farm. I even learned a bit of sign language, so we could talk when his miniscule hearing aids were off. I hadn’t even realized he was deaf until one day I yelled at him for eating my pizza and he didn’t hear me.

Just like every time I drove this route back to the compound, I passed my old apartment block. Max and Bri lived there together now. As I glanced out the window, I caught a glimpse of them walking down the path, a baby stroller with a pair of yellow clad feet sticking out of the end. Timothy Walsh Boddy was his name, and he was a year and a half old. They didn’t know it, but my father was still the one paying the rent on the apartment, and I had put away a bank account for his education for when he was old enough. I could never meet him, but there were other ways I could have a part in his life.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, where is the nearest decent hair salon?” I asked.

“Two blocks away. Do you want me to plan a route now?” Her sweet Irish accent said from the speakers inside the car. I would never get used to speaking to her, not matter how many secrets we shared.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied, and watched the 3D specs come up on the windshield that served as my screen. Tony really was a genius.

I followed the directions exactly, and within a few minutes I was parked outside a cute little salon called Blondies. I glimpsed a sign outside that read;

Want to help those living with cancer? We provide Locks of Love services here!

I smiled, and ran my hands through my long, long white hair.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y, please tell Steve I will be late to our training session.”

“Of course, Keight. Good luck.”