Dissonance | ✓

37 | Nothing.

☆ COLLEEN ☆

     Ximena never showed up for Chemistry, the next morning. All throughout our revision lesson, the space beside me was like a cold, empty void. I barely took heed of what Ms. Jenkins was going on about at the front—though it did not matter, since I already had my chemistry exam in the bag—because I was too distracted wondering what made Ximena opt to skip class.

     What was more alarming was how, during role call when Ms. Jenkins came to Ximena's name, she furrowed her eyebrows momentarily at the empty stool next to me, then widened her eyes like she had remembered something, dismissing Ximena's absence. Our Chemistry teacher was a stickler for the rules, especially those concerning attendance. I was shocked by her apathy, to say the least.

     Upon being asked about knowing where Ximena was, my friends shook their heads and joined in on my perplexity, at break. Miranda suggested I check with Rana, or any member of the cheer squad, but I waved her down—I had already tried the obvious. In an attempt to lift me up from my funk, my friends veered the conversation into a different direction that involved less knitted eyebrows and more laughs. It worked, which I loved them for. It was a shame that our time together at our picnic bench was coming to an end.

     Once break was over, as I was hurriedly crossing campus to return to my dorm and pick up a few books I had carelessly left for my next class, I passed by Ximena's dorm building and considered going up to see if she was there. I then decided to continue to my first destination. Maybe Ximena needed a little space to get herself together, after which she would be ready to talk again.

     At my dorm, I pulled my key from my pencil case and unlocked the door. Sure enough, my books for the next class were sitting atop my desk from when I was stress-studying, the night before—Miranda called me a nerd in disguise like in one of the cheesy novels she had been reading; I called it not wanting to fail, and taking every free moment I had to avoid such.

     I went to retrieve my books, when I noticed my phone was right beside it. Since I had not checked on it since the previous afternoon, I switched it on, and the screen blinked with a few notifications, some being from social media, and others were text messages. I opened the messenger, sifting through old and insignificant messages to find two that struck my attention; one from Ximena and the other from The Word.

     My heart swelled with happiness at the former, and I rolled my eyes at the second. Nevertheless, I opened the infamous gossip diffuser's message first, nearly dropping my phone as I read the one sentence:

     'TW: COLLEEN AND XIMENA TO LEAVE RIVERDALE OVER RUMORED RELATIONSHIP.'

     That message came in hours earlier. It enraged and crumbled and bewildered me, all at once. How did that fucking gossiper always know what was happening in everybody's life?

     And, more importantly, where on earth would they have gotten the idea that Ximena was leaving, too? It would have explained why I never saw her, but I pushed that idea out of my mind. I was not going to listen to whatever The Word had to say.

      I deleted the message as fast as I read it and opened my chat with Ximena, ready to being my rant on The Word, but I saw the long message from her that rolled down to the bottom of the screen, and scrolled to the top to first read it. I inwardly hoped it was a chain message, because, otherwise, nothing good could have come from a text of that length after I had not seen Ximena all day.

    I inhaled slowly and began reading the message, my heart throbbing stronger in my chest with every word.

     'I know this would be more romantic if it was a letter written in cursive, but we both know my handwriting is shit. I don't really know what I wanna say...well I do but I can't really say it. But I gotta cuz my parents are waiting I needa hurry up. Screw them. They're the ones that caused this, anyway. Actually Mason kinda did...

     But u ignited that flame but then again I asked u out in public where he heard us but he was the one on steroids but u were snooping in his room BUT Walker is at fault cuz he just let Mason and his drugs slide *major eye roll rn* Okay well I'm beginning to go off topic so lemme get to what  I really wanna say. Colleen, I've never met someone like you before. I don't know if it's your passion for chem or your two left footedness or how you can make me laugh when I really don't want to. I knew I liked you from the first quarter. I still do. I just like you a thousand times more now.

     And when we first kissed I almost died inside. It was everything for me. Even if the circumstances under which we were kissing weren't ideal it still felt incredible. Magical. You don't know how long I wanted to do that for.

     But we've had our down times. I won't say it didn't hurt me when u rejected me several times. All I wanted was u and I couldn't have u. I started to think I just wasn't good enough, which really crushed me.

     I won't say it didn't hurt me when u leaked that stuff to TW, but I definitely deserved it (I started it.)

     I won't say it didn't hurt me when u hadn't come out to your mom yet, but the fact that u changed that so fast JUSTFOR ME—let me know this was real to u. Thank u for that. It was super brave. And hot ;)

     I won't say it didn't hurt me when u wanted to keep us a secret, but I guess u weren't ready. I understand that. What mattered most to me was how we stood up to Walker together.

     And now, I won't say it doesn't hurt me to tell u that I'm leaving not just Riverdale. I'm leaving the country, Colleen—' 

     I had to stop reading. I was trembling. So, The fucking Word was right. Ximena was leaving. But the country? How could she just up and leave like that? If I could not imagine not having her in the same metro area as me, how was I going to be when she left the country?

     'I'm going back to Lima. It was my parents' call and I fucking hate it as much as (I hope) you do right now, but this was what they wanted. Apparently I'm being spoiled here. So they've won. I hate them for that, among SEVERAL other things. *cue major eye roll*

     I'm not completely against leaving, though. I love Lima. I don't, however, love that I'm starting over rn but I'll have my cousins with me, so I figure things will work out.

     I just hate that it's so soon. We've barely been dating for long yet I feel so close to u. I feel like part of me is being ripped out, leaving u. I don't want to leave u. But I have to.

     I'll message u like EVERYday I promise.

     You know, there was still so much I wanted to do with u. There's this huge fiesta we have for Peruvian Independence Day in July. I was gonna bring u. You would've had so much fun. I wanted to take u to more Lumpy Space concerts, and other bands and more. I wanted to go to Six Flags with u. The Batman ride there is SO fun. I had plans for us. And now they're going down the drain. 

     Colleen, I don't think I'm coming back until college, and I know you'll move on by then to another (not nearly as beautiful as me) so I want u to know that it's been awesome. More than awesome. Spectacular, terrific, (insert other synonyms cuz Eng isn't my thing]. I don't wanna bring this to an end because writing this makes it feel like I'm kinda still with u, but I have to. Thanks for everything. Really. You don't know how much u mean to me. You don't know how much you'll ALWAYS mean to me xx.

     Below the text was a video of her she had sent afterwards. I clicked play, and watched as she held a hand to her mouth and blew a kiss. Ximena was trying to maintain a smile, but it shattered just before the clip ended.

     I dropped onto my bed and stuffed my face into a pillow, wishing none of that had happened. I felt the tears from my eyes seep into the pillow. One small mistake caused that colossal mess. My mind began to whirl with 'if onbes as I laid there, weeping to myself.

     Ximena managed to say all the right words for our final goodbye, but what tore me apart was that it was our final goodbye. I had lost her. I had actually lost her, and she was not coming back. Everything I knew began to dissolve, as I pictured things without Ximena, until I was nothing but crumbs of regrets and self-loathe and pity dusted on my bed. It was as though I was and always would be nothing without Ximena.