dichotomy ; gawsten

fifty

Coming out as gay didn't happen as smoothly as he'd hoped, he continues, "I think- I wasn't really okay with it, in the beginning. I didn't think it was- I was right. I had this amazing girlfriend and the picture perfect life, but I still wasn't happy. And over the years people kept calling me on that, saying I was ungrateful or selfish for not being able to appreciate what was right in front of me, and I guess...I didn't want this to be another thing, you know? Another field day for the media, something else that caused drama...I didn't want my name plastered all over the internet, people wondering what Geoff Wigington had done this time. I just wanted my life to be...mine, for once."

The lack of privacy is something that really gets to him, Geoff explains, referencing the incident just a few weeks before, when he was photographed in a frozen yogurt shop with his now-boyfriend, Awsten. "I just feel like people don't deserve that much access, to an artist. Like, y'all get the music and the tours and the signings and we say hi whenever we can, and try and be around on social media as much as possible, so...why should you get to impose and take pictures of us when we're just trying to live our lives like everyone else?"

Just about two years ago, a slew of pictures surfaced on the internet, zooming in on Geoff's forearms and pointing out numerous self-harm looking scars covering his wrists. Being that the band's audience is mainly compromised of teenagers and younger adults, parents were furious at the news and accused Geoff of "glamorizing" self-mutilation.

Geoff has never publicly commented on the matter.

When I ask him about it today, he starts to tear up a little as he answers, "I think...that was when I first realized how bad things had gotten. I mean, to be completely real...I didn't expect any of this, when we first started out. Jawn and I just wanted to play music; we didn't know it could even become what it is." He chuckles and shakes his head. "But it got so big, so fast, and everyone was looking at us, all the time. We were the role models, up on stupid high pedestals for these kids, 'cause they looked up to us, or whatever, and I can't speak for Jawn, but I know I wasn't ready for that."

"I was struggling too – I have been, since before the band even started – with a lot of my own inner demons and head stuff, and for people to say that I was doing it for attention...that felt like a punch in the stomach."

Geoff then proceeds to roll up his sleeves, and at first glance, it is immediately apparent why he chose not to comment on the pictures when they first came out. Amongst numerous old, white scars, there is still some pink. He informs me that he's clean; self-harm, alcohol, and all drugs, both legal and illegal alike. "All I'm on is what my therapist prescribed me, which is an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill, and I don't even take the Xanax every day. Just when the panic attacks are really bad."

"I never wanted to cover up," he explains. "I'm not ashamed, of anything. This is me, with my flaws and my failures and every single time I couldn't handle everything, right here. But I never wanted to trigger anyone. Ever." He goes on to express his hesitation in talking so deeply about his own self-harm, merely due to the feat that he might accidentally trigger someone. That is never his intention.

"But, I guess, also...having the cameras there all of the time, watching me, waiting for my next fuck up so they could make money off the headline...it felt like I had to be perfect, all the time. And parents started saying how disappointed they were, after those pictures came out, so I was like, 'fuck, I'm really not okay, but I can't keep doing this. They've heard the story before and my bad place is old, by now. It's still definitely there and I'm nowhere close to getting out of it, but everyone's sick of it.' So, the long sleeves...I don't remember actively deciding to start wearing them one day, but I definitely did try and cover up more. I couldn't do anything about the attention, but I could show everyone I was okay, when I really wasn't."