Peeta's POV in the Hunger Games

Chapter 3: My First Kill (sort of)

In Clove and Cato's camp by the supplies

So, of course, uh, Clover and that stupid old onion - what was his name again? Oh yeah, that's right, Kitten, wasn't it - finally got lazy and practically begged me to go hunting with them. I mean, come on, I don't mean to brag, but who could resist my marvellous skills?

Just as I was settling down to have a good nap, Kitten dude woke me up and shoved a shovel into my hands. "Where in the name of the Good Lord on High is my extra-thicc premium membership Ikea Kitchen serrated hand-held blade?" I demand, insulted. "Eh? Mate? I'm very sorry, but skills with bread slicing isn't going to help you in the real world. Take the bloody shovel - and you better deal with it or there'll be trouble! You'll be doing the knocking-out of crazy psychos if you really have to, but I'm afraid me and Clove here will be doing all the murdering."
"What? No way am I substituting this prime ciabatta knife for some... some plant-digger! I don't bloody care if, uh, Clive wants to shank some old biddys with his -- I - I - mean her lame little butter knife. I only deserve to get the first kill! Besides, this worthy dagger is DIAMOND ENCRUS-"
Unfortunately, Kitten then pushed his own boring old knife onto my neck, and I am forced to subside.

Two Hours Later

"Hey! Look! It's SMOKE!" Clive says menacingly. "You know what this means, ol' Pete?"
"Yeah".

*awkward silence*

"Um, well, surely I don't need to jolly well explain it to you? I mean, surely you know yourself?"
"What? ...No, actually, I don't know what this means. Why don't you tell us, Peter?"
"Yah boi, why don't you TELL us?" Kitty, being the unoriginal bigot he is, chips in.
Oh help, oh help!!!

"...It means there's a fire." I eventually answer. Of course, I don't stammer or hesitate for a second. Instead, I calmly smooth my way out of this.
"Well duh, it means there's a frigging fire! What does THAT mean?"

Breathing evenly, I reply the first thing that comes to mind.

"Sausages! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaha, ahahaha, ehe, ahem..."

*another awkward silence*

Well, I'm mighty offended. If they can't appreciate my wonderful sense of humor, then... screw them.

Eventually we just leave. It's getting dark now, and I mutter under my breath. They're almost going to broadcast the deaths!!! I just HAVE to kill someone and show off my skillllzzz, and quickly! I mean, obviously, there'll be the bloodbath deaths, but I'll be taking credit for the dead dudes no one knows about anyway. I mean, surely even if I didn't technically kill those people, they'd be overjoyed to have someone as special as me as the last person to set their eyes on. So they should be grateful. If you know what I mean. And the bloodbath deaths don't count anyway.

An hour later

Finally we get to the camp of the girl clever enough to make a fire. I'm almost about to offer her some bread I sneaked into the arena so we can all eat toast together, but then Clive intervenes with shocking information...

"OI! You over there! Get down on the ground right now! I think I'm going to start with your eyeballs. No, maybe your intestines. Actually, perhaps your left kid-"

--"WAIT! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? THIS IS BLASPHEMY!"

Clive is obviously pretty angry at me for interrupting him I mean her. Sorry for misgendering. It's not my fault if she's ugly.

"Oh come on, Peter, you didn't seriously expect to be the one to do the honours here, did you?"

And then I realize that we're not going to be dining in happiness with this girl. Instead, she will be dying.

Actually, I half expected this girl to beg for mercy, but instead, she just deals with it.* "Oh, you know what, eff you Clove, eff you Cato, oh and Peter I need some sourdough to go with my brie."

Obviously, Clove and Cato cringe in confusion. I decide to take advantage of this situation, and take matters into my own hands. "Clive and Kitty, you guys carry on searching for REAL opponents to finish off. I'll dispose of this measly child and catch up with you later." Those fat old... um... are there any more insults left to degrade all these stupid idiots invading my life? I'm sure I'll find some soon. Anyway, they seem happy with the plan and head off into the wilderness.

Oh, and as for the girl, well, EVERYONE knows that brie cheese and sourdough bread are the WORST AND MOST DISGUSTING COMBINATION EVER. So, of course, it kills her in a second. I then stab the earth to make it seem like she's dead on my account. That should do it. Phew! All I have to do now is kill everyone else! Should be easy enough for a pro like me. Later divas!!!