Loosing A Brother

Chapter 1

December, 3 2017

I didn't know what was going on. I started my period before December 4th was gonna happen. The worst day of my entire life. Especially when you start your period. I had a feeling that something bad was gonna happen. Something so awful that I couldn't stop it.

I told my bro that I started my period and that I was feeling sad for some unknown reason and he told me to come over here. He hugged me and told me that everything is going to be okay. I didn't understand what he meant tho.

Later on at night my mom came home very late and started crying. I was so confused who was she crying about? I got annoyed and so tired of her bullshit. You see I didn't have that good of a relationship with my mother. We would constantly argue about her so many boyfriends. I would get so sick and angry that she was talking to other men.

I thought she was crying because her boyfriend found out that she's been cheating or something like that. It wasn't that tho...

She came upstairs to my room and laid on my bed crying. I told her to leave since she would always take my things from my room. That's what made me so sick of her. So I asked her and she said it was just her friend and that made pissed of. "Yeah right it's just about your fucking boyfriends you stupid slut!"So many thoughts came into my head.

Then I heard my brother and sister talking. They talked about a body. I then felt scared. A funeral home? Was it somebody in our family?

I stayed up all night listening to music while my mom slept. I was confused and wondered. Who was it? I couldn't sleep my mind was so confused and just curious but also scared. If it was someone I knew so much then what would happen to me? Would I die would I kill myself in order to reunite with them?..

I then texted my brother Ivan...

He never responded and I got worried so worried because I knew he was drinking. He was emotionally broken man...

Let's go back to Sunday when I last saw him...

- -

December 1 2017

  I was with my mom. We thought of bringing food to Ivan but she changed her mind and I got so mad. "You dont fucking care about him? After what he's been through you son of bitch!" I screamed at her to stop by at McDonalds. I called Ivan and asked what he want and he asked for chicken nuggets. I honestly thought he was joking since he never ordered that.

We ordered his McDonalds and we went to his house. I went inside and there he was laying on his chair his hood not showing his face. The inside of his house was almost empty. As if he was ready to go. My heart broke into a million of pieces. When I went into the bathroom I saw like 16 bottles of beer. I was shocked and I didn't know what to do. AND MY MOM....

SHE WAS ON HER FUCKING PHONE AND I GOT PISSED SO PISSED. I screamed inside and wanted to die. I want her to fucking listen to fucking throw away the phone and just notice. She put her phone inside her pocket and looked at beer she was a bit shocked but didn't show much.

Do you ever care?

Later on we took Ivan with us since he wanted cigarettes and I was happy he was coming with us to the house. He laid in bed and left his cigarettes on the table then grabbed beer.

  I was being fucking selfish and not caring anymore. ALL I DID WAS WATCH TV, FUCKING TV WHEN I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE FOR MY FUCKING BROTHER. My mom didn't give a shit.

I then went upstairs.

My dad took my brother to his house. I was up in my room just watching TV still...

- -

October 14 2017

Me: What happened why is Janelle in the hospital?

Ivan:  Pray for her please.

Me: I told you guys not to do anymore drugs! This is the freaking consequences

Why did I say that when I didn't even know what was happening. She wasn't on drugs. She just... Drank to much and she was always like this.

It all began when she was 15. Hanging out with wrong teens. Smoking and drinking along with sex.  Once I slept and woke up. I went into the living room. My dad told me the news that Janelle died. I didn't believe, I didn't I just stood there looking at the ground.

Not noticing that tears were starting to form. I wanted to scream.

I want to scream.

I want to stab myself multiple times.

I want to jump on and feel pain.

I want to be punished for my sin.

I want to bargain with God to bring everyone back.