To: My Kind of Almost

4

Of course, no matter how happy I was, I could not ignore the fact that she may get hurt if she hears the news that her ex is courting her friend. That's just plain bullshit on her part because if I were in her shoes, I would feel the same. I will also get mad. But guess what? I was too in denial that I had to ask for a friend's advice about us. And she said the same.

That pushed me to stay away from you more. Because I realized that I may be avoiding that topic, I could not just ignore and act blind about it.

It was the line we are both afraid of crossing.

I was awed by your braveness. I was moved by your efforts to make it work— to make us work. But I'm so sorry baby if I was not as brave as you, for I could not stand for it though you said we'd get through this.

I'm sorry because I just can't do it knowing that the possibility of her being furious is as clear as a crystal.

I'm sorry because I chose friendship over you. I'm sorry because I thought I saved the friendship I thought we had. I'm so sorry. Please know that even though this is my choice, it also broke me.

You did not know how I felt so down the moment I chose to end everything, because we even barely started, yet we already ended. It hurt. So much. I did not even know how gloomy I was that day that even my mom noticed it.

Yes, you were not the only one who was affected. I was, too. More than you could imagine because after some time, it felt like a fucking break up when we were not even in a fucking relationship.

I regretted everything. I regretted how coward I was, how stupid and martyr I was for choosing a friendship that I did not know was fading when I could have chosen you. When I could have chosen us.

Edi sana masaya tayo. Edi sana masaya ako at hindi ako miserableng gaya nito. Walang ibang naiwan sa'kin kundi mga masayang ala alang nahaluan ng sakit. Ang tamis ng mga salitang unti unting nabahiran ng pait at tuluyang nilukob ng dilim ang tanging naiwan sa'kin. Wala kang itinira kundi ang mga yon kasi pakiramdam ko, dinala mo ang puso ko sa pag alis mo.

Huwag kang mag alala. Hindi kita sinisisi kasi sa una pa lang, ako ang may desisyon nito. Ako ang nagtulak sa'yo palayo kaya ano'ng karapatan kong masaktan, hindi ba?