Cult Fiction

Level 4 - Red

‘Hold up, yo, they’re not here yet,’ Cloudo said, stopping me in mid run as I was about to charge into the game. It really wasn’t fair to get me all worked up for Zelda, only to stop me at the last minute.
‘Who’s not here?’ Because whoever they were, I hated them already.
‘Anna and Randy, yo. Like I said, I need numbers to help me search some places, but, just to let you know, some of the people in this city can be... difficult, you know?’ He pressed something on his Vambrace then. ‘Yo, Randy, yo, get your red ass over here.’
I winced at Cloudo’s excessive use of “yo”, just as the image of a cloaked red wizard appeared above his arm.
‘I’m not your side-kick, Cloudo, and my time is far too valuable to waste collecting seashells.’
Cloudo looked around angrily, ‘Randy, yo, I’ve told you to stay quiet about those, look, we’re coming to get you. Anna with you?’
‘Yeah, but who’s we, hey who’s that Lara Croft chick? She’s totally hot! Tell her that I’d like to raid her tomb. Get it? Sex, Cloudo, I’d like to have intercourse with that girl!’
Did that guy really just say that? Because it wasn’t okay to say something like that. Cloudo winced at me apologetically on his behalf, at least.
‘Yeah, Randy, the whole world got it, yo. Don’t mess up your dress thinking about it now. I’m on my way to get you.’
‘It’s not a dress, it’s a wizard’s robes, Fucko, and I don’t care what you do, there’s no chance I’m going to Ocarina with you. Maybe if I say no enough times, something good is bound to happen!’
The conversation cut off to the sound of Randy’s laughter and I was standing there with a fairly shocked look on my face.
‘This guy is one of your friends?’
Cloudo shook his head and sighed, ‘Yeah, but like I said, yo, some people in this place can be difficult. Don’t worry about Randy though, he’s harmless, it’s Anna you should worry about. Come on.’
‘Why should I be worried about Anna?’
Cloudo didn’t answer and just started walking. I followed after him,
‘Cloudo? Why should I be worried about Anna?’
‘Don’t worry, yo, she can’t hurt you in a White Zone.’
‘What? Why would she hurt me? And what’s a White Zone?’
‘It’s all on your Vambrace, yo. This Sector Central: it’s a White Zone, means no violence allowed. Inside the games then, some towns and villages are White, but most of it will be Green. Green Zones have rules, yo, whether guns or magic work in the universe or not, and you can’t intentionally murder anyone - just hurt them until they go into game-over, you know? The higher levels are Black, which means no rules, so it’s cool to murder people there, and then there are Blue Zones too, which are the same as White, but helps you heal, get it? So, just be careful around Anna when we go into the Green and Black, understand?’
Hell no! But I couldn’t make him say it all again. I looked down at my Vambrace to make sure we were in a White Zone as we walked past all these people with their swords and guns. Why oh why did it not occur to me earlier that I should be very, very frightened of all these people? How did I forget how dangerous and violent this new awesome life was going to be? I eyed Cloudo’s giant Buster Sword on his back and decided that I needed to get a weapon, and fast.
‘Okay, yo, we’re here.’
That was fast. How lazy was this guy Randy that he wouldn’t walk the two minutes from a cafe to the land of Zelda? I followed Cloudo as we went into an exact replica of Central Perk and I spotted Randy the red wizard straight away, sitting in a corner, with his feet up on a table. He had red hair to match his red robes, and he was kind of handsome, even though he was ginger and didn’t have a soul. I thought he looked a little like Seth Green. That was about as much as I could concentrate on him though because he was sitting next to an absolute She-Hulk of a woman.
The woman – who must’ve been Anna - was wearing military gear, but ripped and personalised to look a bit like Tank Girl. She had Zangief arms and Chun-Li legs, a jaw wider than Luke Wilson and a nose so smashed it made me think she knew all eight rules of Fight Club. She was maybe in her late twenties and had one side of her head shaved, with a pink Mohawk on top and the rest of her hair pulled tight to a pony tail at the back. She hadn’t said or done anything to me yet and already I was terrified of her. In the immortal words of Deuce Bigalow; Male Gigolo... “that’s a huge bitch!”
We walked up to their table and both Randy and Anna were staring at me just as much as I was staring at them. I was the one standing though, and pretty much squirming under the scrutiny, so I was about to ask why the hell nobody was saying anything, when Anna nodded at me and said,
‘Yeah, okay, Lara Croft, I’d do you.’
‘What do you mean you’d do me?’ Was everyone in this city an out-of-control pervert? And was it so difficult for people to see that I was Tifa and not Tomb Raider!
‘Alright, Anna,’ Cloudo said. ‘Keep it in your pants, yo. Lockhart just got here today and I don’t need you traumatising her yet. But come on, you said you’d help me in Ocarina today.’
‘Oh Cloudo, Cloudo, Cloudo,’ Randy said. ‘We said no such thing.’ He turned to talk to me then, ‘You see, Lockhart, Cloudo here is collecting secret seashells, and he reckons if he collects enough of them, then he’ll find one of the Quest Swords.’
‘Like in Link’s Awakening where you get the Level-Two Sword?’ I said, far too chirpily. The Level-Two sword was so awesome though. It was a sword capable of firing the Sword Beam from it! But why would there be secret seashells in Ocarina of Time?
‘Yes!’ Randy said, and smiled his approval at me. ‘Cloudo, you did well finding this one, but if it’s her first day, then you can’t bring her into Zelda, and definitely not with Anna. Anna will just shoot her the minute we walk into a Green.’
Anna shrugged and gave me a smile like a shark.
‘We’re not going to Pokémon, yo,’ Cloudo said back.
‘I wasn’t even going to suggest it!’ Randy insisted. ‘But fine. You name me one place that we might find a Quest Sword and where Anna here, won’t go on a murderous rampage.’
I should have really been thinking of reasons why I was standing here, with all these weird perverts, when I should have been finding a place to live, but instead I blurted out,
‘How about Final Fantasy VII? There are so many hidden secrets in the game, maybe it’s the same here.’
They all looked at me as if they were surprised I could speak. Well, at least Cloudo was looking at me; Randy and Anna were looking more at my legs, hips and breasts. What was wrong with these people?
‘She could be right, yo. There’s magic allowed there and you can’t attack your own team. So, Randy, you can’t bitch about not being a wiz, and, Anna, you can’t F us in the A the minute we turn our backs. It’s worth a shot.’
Anna stood up then, towering at least a full foot over me, and placed a giant hand on my shoulder.
‘Sounds good, candy pants.’
‘My name’s Lockhart,’ I said back, trying to sound tough. Anna just gave me another shark-smile. She was making me feel very uncomfortable and, to make matters worse, Randy stood up and placed his hand on my other shoulder. What the hell was going on?
‘Don’t mind them, yo,’ Cloudo said. ‘They’re just trying to freak you out.’
Randy broke out laughing then. ‘Yeah, he’s right. We’re just fucking with ya. Come on so, I need to get my Materia if we’re going to Midgar. Meet back here in an hour, yeah?’ Randy slapped my ass for good measure as he walked past.
‘Hey! Randy, that’s not okay!’ I shouted at him but he just laughed and kept going. Anna and Cloudo followed him out, and I really should’ve just forgot about all three of them and gone off on my own right then and there. But Cloudo seemed alright, and they could help me get my bearings here - even protect me from any higher level players. So I was holding back my rage and self-respect, and I was telling myself everything was going to be alright here, when I walked out of the cafe and spotted someone in the crowds.
It was the weird guy that was at the checkpoints with me, his giant white torso standing out even in a crowd full of other weirdoes. A bunch of people dressed only in loin cloths were giving this guy strange looks as they passed - eyeing both his crazy size and the mechanical chest he used to breathe. The white skinned cyborg must’ve gone for the Kevin Sorbo default skin, because all he wore were brown leather Hercules pants and boots.
Cloudo, Anna and Randy were all staring at him too. How had this cyborg dude managed to get past the War Enforcers? He looked sick. My paranoia pegged him as some biological terrorist sent in from the outside world. He definitely wasn’t one of us, not an awesome nineties-nut, so why was he in this city? Could he even breathe in the Elixir using the machine in his chest? All these questions skidded to a terrified halt then as the white giant spotted me staring at him.
He gave me a disgusting smile and started walking right for me. I looked down at the white strip on my Vambrace in a panic, and even Cloudo and Anna repositioned their feet as if getting ready for a fight. He came right up and stopped in front of all four of us, but he was only staring at me. He had that look again, that same unmistakeable look; this guy wanted to kill me.
‘Hello there, my name is Episite... what’s yours?’
The giant creep spoke with his disgusting grin locked in place and I couldn’t decide if he sounded like Agent Smith from The Matrix or like Benecio Del Toro in Sin City when he had his throat slit open, putting special emphasis on every word. I also couldn’t stop staring at all his broken teeth. It looked like this guy was visibly rotting before my eyes.
‘Episite?’ Randy asked with a sneer. ‘What’s that supposed to be? I’ve never heard of it.’
Episite turned his head carefully towards Randy. He towered at least a foot over all of us, even though both Cloudo and Anna were over six foot themselves,  but he made me and Randy look like action figures. Episite’s eyes trailed down slowly over Randy’s hobbit-body and those eyes were so bloodshot that the blood red streaked through the brown of his irises and even the black of his pupils. I’d never seen red on pupils before. Was that even possible? Those awful eyes just stared at Randy until they began to twitch.
‘I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to her.’ He turned back to smile at me, and reached out his hand. Did he really think I was going to touch it? I jumped back as if he had a loaded gun in that hand. My reaction only made Episite smile more, and with his hand still extended, he stepped forward at me in a sudden violent motion.
Cloudo’s hand shot out and stopped Episite dead in his tracks. It looked a little ridiculous, seeing Cloudo’s slim, toned arm, stopping that hulking monster, but he did. I saw Cloudo’s wiry muscles bunch and he even pushed Episite back a step. A part of me tried to reason that despite Episite’s gigantic appearance, he was still just a level 1 like me, and Cloudo was level 41, so he could kick this monster’s giant white ass.
‘She doesn’t want to shake your hand, yo, so how about you go fuck off, okay?
Episite’s whole face twitched as he lowered his head to look at Cloudo’s hand on his chest. The mechanical chest plate still breathed evenly, but I could see this guy was about to completely lose it. The beast’s hands were trembling as he turned his gaze towards Cloudo, but then, for no reason, Episite’s twitchy rage just vanished and turned back into a grotesque smile again.
‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ he said menacingly, but Cloudo just tossed his hair at him in response.
‘Oh? And who the fuck are you to tell me what I shouldn’t do, yo? My name is Cloudo, and you should remember that, because the next time I see you in the Black or Green, I’m going to cut you up into little bits of machine.’
Episite smiled at Cloudo for a long time and if we weren’t in a safe zone, then I was certain we’d see blood here. Anna and Randy were trying to stare threateningly at this monster guy too, but whereas before the freak only had eyes for me, now he only had them for Cloudo.
‘Cloudo...’ Episite said, as if savouring the taste of the word. ‘Don’t you worry, Cloudo, I’ll remember it.’ The freak graced me with one more lecherous smile before he turned and left.
‘What the funk was that thing?’ Randy asked. ‘Is he supposed to be a Hulk that got bleached in the wash? Or a Darth Vader with all his armour removed and an air conditioner rammed through his chest instead? He seemed to like you anyway, Lockhart, well, maybe not as much as he liked you, Cloudo. There was a minute there when only the two of you kissing could break the tension! Is he your type? Anna, please tell me he’s not yours.’
Anna considered it. ‘I would like to see if he’s got anything else mechanical down there. Might be worth a look?’
‘He doesn’t,’ I said, immediately regretting the words. Both Randy and Anna’s faces completely lit up in reaction, while Cloudo was still just staring after Episite, watching him stalk through the crowds.
‘Lockhart!’ Randy exclaimed. ‘No! Not you and him?’
I had to shudder that sentence back out of my ears. ‘Shit, Randy, of course not, but he was there at the same time as me this morning, going through the checkpoints.’
‘So you decided to check out the goods?’ Anna was nodding her approval at me and folding her arms.
‘No. I didn’t look. I just didn’t see anything else mechanical, okay?’
‘No way okay, was it as white and veiny as the rest of him?’ It was Randy who asked that.
‘What’s wrong with you, Randy?’ I asked, sincerely looking for an answer.
‘It’s only because he doesn’t have one of his own, Lockhart, he’s just curious about what they look like.’
‘If that was the case, Anna, then I’d get you to whip yours out.’
‘Hey, Cloudo,’ I said, tuning out their bickering before it escalated. I had to grab his arm to break him out of his trance as he stared off after Episite. ‘Thanks for getting rid of him.’
‘This entire city needs to get rid of him, yo, and I’ll be the one to do it if I see him again.’ He gave the direction where Episite had gone one last look before turning back to me. ‘Come on, yo, might as well find you a base to live before we go into the game.’
‘You can stay with me, sugar tits,’ Anna said with a smile and then changed her tone as if she hadn’t just said anything offensive. ‘Hey, Lockhart, press those buttons there to send me on your locator.’
I frowned and then pressed them carefully. I needed some quality alone time with this Vambrace, once I got settled, but everything was moving so fast here I was just busy enjoying it. Once I got my place to live, and once I got my first game in, then I’d figure everything out. Something flashed on Anna’s Vambrace and I smiled triumphantly.
‘Done. Okay, send me on yours,’ I said looking up, but Anna was already walking away.
‘Sorry, Loveheart, I don’t send anyone my locator,’ she shouted over her shoulder as she left. ‘Never know when I’ll need to hunt them down!’
‘What a bitch!’
‘Yeah,’ Randy said, ‘Anna can be a lot to take sometimes. Here, you can have my locator and send me on yours too.’
He sent me on his locator first and I saw his dot appear on my map. I couldn’t think of a real reason not to send him mine, but I hoped it wasn’t like giving some stalker my phone number. His Vambrace flashed and he looked far too pleased with himself.
‘Great,’ he said. ‘Anytime you have any questions, feel free to ask. I know Cloudo here isn’t interested in anything but Cloudo, so whenever he’s being difficult, you can call me.’
‘Thanks, Randy,’ I said, happy that he was beginning to turn into a normal person.
‘And feel free to send as many naked images of yourself as you feel you need to, day or night, I’ll be there for you.’ I threw my eyes and he just laughed as he walked away. ‘Okay, meet you back in an hour!’
Randy’s deal seemed to be that he talked only to amuse himself but I couldn’t decide who was worse, Anna with her sexual aggression or Randy with his sexual obnoxiousness. At least they both made Cloudo look like the most normal person in the city, yo.
‘Come on, yo. The Robot Arms Apartments from Futurama are small, but they’re cheap, and the closets are big.’
He was already walking as he said that and I had to scurry after him. The sooner I knew this place better, the sooner I could start being the strong and independent chick I really was. I honestly wasn’t this person Cloudo was turning me into.
When I caught up, we just walked along the Zelda outer-wall for a while, but that turned into a load of coffee shops and armouries pretty quickly. Then we passed another land entrance with a sign that read “Super Mario 64” on it and it took a lot of deep breaths to not try convincing Cloudo into going in there with me. But, I needed to get settled in a base as Cloudo had put it. Then I could start exploring. As we walked past a cross roads though, I let out a squeak when I looked down to see a domed stadium with giant firey orange and yellow letters reading: “Mortal Kombat Arena.”
With so many things that I wanted to do, it made me feel like I was going to pass out with impatience! But I needed to pay at least one week’s rent before I blew all my money. Would I have enough to get into the different lands and arenas after? Did each one cost the same or was it different? How much did weapons cost?
Cloudo stopped, and I wondered if I’d asked those questions out loud, until I looked up to see we had reached the apartment block. Either everything was really close in this place or else my time-thieving day-dreaming was getting worse. At least I hadn’t blacked out since I got here.
‘Okay, yo, all yours. There’s a wall panel inside, you just select an apartment that’s empty and it will send your Vambrace the key, okay?’
‘Yeah, I guess.’ I had assumed he was going to come up with me, but this was better, more independent.
‘Get settled in, yo, and you have my locator so we can meet at my apartment before we go, sound good? I’ll even give you a quick game walk-through on how to survive here. And don’t worry about Randy and Anna, yo, they just don’t play well with others, you know? They prefer attack to defence, conversations included.’
‘Okay, thanks Cloudo, I’ll call over in a few minutes so.’
‘Cool, yo. Later, Lockhart.’
I waved at him and he left, the giant Buster Sword on his back clearing a path through the crowds as he strutted off into the distance. Then I turned and went inside the apartment building.
I half hoped to see a lobby similar to the shootout scene in The Matrix, but it was just plain. A long grey corridor with elevators at the end and a big list of apartment numbers on the walls. Some had green lights and some had red lights, and I walked along to see to if any cool apartment numbers were free. The best powers of two were all taken, but I found an even better one. Apartment one zero one was empty! How was that one missed? Maybe someone had just recently moved out of it, but it was mine now.
I selected my new apartment and the key flashed to life in my Vambrace Inventory. My credits dropped to one fifty five, and I fretted over how much my trip to Final Fantasy VII would cost. That was a worry for later though. Now I wanted to see my new place!
The trip up in the elevator was quick and I found my apartment easy enough. I pushed my Vambrace key towards the entrance, making my new home open up before my eyes. It was a tight, grey, rectangular box and I snickered as I walked in. The front door closed behind me and I just stood there for a moment, not feeling a bit claustrophobic at all, with the tiny light above my head illuminating how small and oppressive my coffin-like surroundings were. How was I supposed to open the closet?
I touched the back wall with my hand and it thankfully slid open to reveal the much larger, and way more apartment-like, closets that made the Robot Arms Apartments so great in Futurama. It was all one big room, with a door to a bathroom across from me, and the whole place was ready furnished. The bed was over by the back wall, which was really just one big window, so I threw my backpack to the ground and ran straight over to admire the view, craning my head around briefly to see that the opposite wall in the apartment was a giant tele-screen in front of the couch. Having my own tv-computer the size of a wall didn’t blow my mind yet though. It was going to soon when I went back to it, but for now the view of the Nineties Sector Central of Municipal City was doing all the blowing. It was blowing my mind clean out the back of my head in a messy red blood spattered shot gun spray of awesome.
I wasn’t even that high up, just two storeys probably, but I could still see loads of arenas and land entrances bursting from the streets all around. I must’ve been facing the opposite direction from where I saw the Mortal Kombat Arena, because these were different domes and new land entrances now. The Street Fighter Arena was the first one that caught my eye, and I laughed at whichever designer thought putting Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat so close was a good idea. Some arenas had their backs to me, with only a few having signs visible, so I passed over those and peeked through the tall apartment blocks shooting up around the place. Then I saw the Mecha Warrior Arena! No way, could they really have built fully working mechs? But I saw another dome I could make out and it was Wipeout! It was all too much. Building giant battle robot mechs was one thing, but building energy pulse propelled Wipeout vehicles? I’d have to wait and see what the arenas were really like before I overreacted any more, but I expected they were going to be even better than my expectations.
I saw a few eye-bending, blended walls that meant some land entrances were near, but focusing too much on where the wall ended, and where the sky began, just gave me a headache. The only entrance sign I could make out was Sid Myers Civilisation, and my brain didn’t even try to comprehend how they managed to recreate that, but then again the lands looked huge, so anything could be in them. The arenas were big too and I could easily understand how to fit a few dozen domes and stadiums into the city. But organising all the lands to have each entrance accessible from a central location? I had no way of guessing how that worked. Maybe there was a map on the tele-screen.
Turning around I ran over and jumped onto my new bed first, and then bounced into the bathroom and smiled at the deluxe bath and shower system. Not bad for only a hundred credits a week. I saw my food and drink dispensers in the wall over by a table but then I noticed a big red button on the other wall. I went straight over to it and gaped at the writing underneath that big red button saying: DO NOT TOUCH.
‘Ah, come on!’ I shouted out. What sadistic bastard decided that this apartment needed a big red button that no-one was allowed to touch? Would it break one of the rules of the city to press it? I had to find out what it did! I looked around as if waiting to see Tommy Lee Jones in his Men in Black suit step out to say: “Slick? See that red button there? Never, ever, touch that red button.”
‘Bastards!’ I shouted and forced myself to spin away from the button. Throwing myself down onto the couch, I looked up at the blank tele-screen wall. My Vambrace flashed and the wall turned itself on. It was just plain green screen for now.
‘Hey wall, what does that big red button do?’
The screen went red and scrolled a line of writing along the middle: ‘Do not touch the big red button.’
‘Yeah, yeah, fine. But you’re going to answer all my other questions later, count on it.’ I went back into the bathroom and took off my new clothes. Before stepping into the shower though, I looked down at my metallic, electric, and toxic friend Vambrace, but there didn’t seem anyway to take it off. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to either since all those needles were pumping Elixir into me. Well, I’m sure with all their technological wizardry, someone surely would’ve taken the time to make it water proof, right? I turned on the shower anyway and stepped inside. The heat was glorious. The jet streams of water rushed around me and pleasured my every muscle with its warmth. I was about to stay in that shower for the next couple of days when my Vambrace beeped.
I looked down and saw that Cloudo had sent a route on the map linking my apartment to his. Why was he sending it already? How long was I in that shower? Well, I reckoned it might be better to go to his place early to get some questions answered before I entered a game, so reluctantly I left the loving warmth of my shower and got out. It didn’t take long to put on my short-shorts and tank top, and as soon as I had my boots on, I grabbed my backpack and left.
Outside, seeing so many fully armed lunatics walking around the streets was still weird, but it only made me think about what weapon I might get. Tifa fought with her fists, but if people had swords, magic, and guns, then I didn’t fancy my chances. Looking down at all my exposed flesh too, I’d probably need some body armour. There was so much I needed money for, dammit. Did Cloudo say something about working here in the city? I know he said to keep winning and earn credits that way, but there had to be jobs needed for the general running of the place too. I’d look into becoming a Law Enforcer, I decided. My whole family were cops, so I could still be one too.
Looking down at the route marked out on my map, I made good time getting to Cloudo’s place. I was beginning to understand why there were no vehicles around, because my Elixir fuelled muscles were making travel in this place pretty fast already. I could see Cloudo’s building appear down the street from me and I was so busy following the map, and wondering how I was going to survive in this place, that I hadn’t marvelled at any other players on my way. I did so now to make up for it, but froze as I saw that white giant Episite again. He was lurking about outside the apartment building further down. But this was a White Zone right? No violence allowed. Still, I didn’t like that guy being nearby. Did he know this was Cloudo’s apartment?
As stealthily as I could, I made my way closer, trying to stay behind other players as they walked. Episite didn’t see me and he was walking away from the building now, so we missed each other. But why was he hanging around? And why was he so interested in me earlier? My eyes were drawn to my Vambrace for some reason but I didn’t see anything flashing. Instead it made my vision blur for a minute, so I closed my eyes to focus them, and it was only when I opened them again that I noticed Cloudo’s dot was gone from the map. The route was still there, but did he turn off his locator or something?
I went into the apartment building and the address Cloudo sent me must have been a kind of key too, because it opened the elevator and brought me up to his floor. When I stepped out, I looked down the corridor and, for a minute, the whole place distorted. It was like I was in the Matrix and none of this was really real. Red, green and blue colours streaked everywhere until suddenly my vision just went back to normal. I touched the walls to make they weren’t holograms and everything seemed fine again so I just shook the weirdness away and went looking for Cloudo’s door.
So my vision had stopped acting up and the anxiety of seeing Episite had faded a little, but I was still nervous about showing up at this random guy’s apartment. I was excited about seeing the Final Fantasy VII land, but how did I feel about Cloudo? He’d been nice to me since I got here, and he was pretty high-resolution good looking too. The fluttering in my stomach probably meant that I did like this guy, but I did my best to ignore it. I would just have to wait and see what happened.
I got to Cloudo’s apartment and my Vambrace flashed to open it. Turns out he did give me a key. The bright red colour of his apartment made me squint, thinking my vision was going weird again, and I saw Cloudo lying on the floor. My first thought was that was a strange way to relax, but then I saw his eyes were open and that he wasn’t moving. It was only after seeing both of these things that I realised his left arm had been hacked off, that his Vambrace was gone, and the apartment was bright red because it had all been completely covered in a spray of blood!
Cloudo was dead.