Soldier In Me

Five: WHO EVEN AM I?

Three photos in front of me. Four people I loved. Five people I barely knew.
I felt the metal floor press into my skin as I sat cross-legged in my parents' old lab. I had placed three printed photos on the floor a few inches away from me.
On the right, a picture of my parents at some sort of holiday party, winter out their window. I barely knew them, but I loved them.
The photo in the center showed John. It was the picture the sergeant had given me. He sat there in his army uniform, on a sunny day. A day of leave, I remember. I struggled not to see him in the way I had last seen him, but in this way, smiling on a sunny day. Oh god, I loved him. But I never really knew him.
On the left, a picture of Hadley in her perfection. She held up a peace sign and smiled a toothy smile. I loved her. I barely knew her.
The fifth person that I barely even knew was me. I sat there feeling so guilty. My breath was fast and shallow, my vision blurred by tears.
I thought I was fighting for justice all my life. I thought I was defending my country but all I was doing was murdering.
"What have you done?!"

.... . .-.. .--. / -- . / .. .----. -- / .- / -- --- -. ... - . .-..... . .-.. .--. / -- . / .. .----. -- / .- /

It was three weeks before the accident.
I grasped a gun with all my strength, I'd been ordered to kill anything that moves.
I trekked through the small town, most buildings annihilated into ruins. I stepped into the remains of a brick house, having heard something inside.
At the time I had had a helmet over my face, one that showed my eyes but protected them.
Groveling in the corner of the room was an old woman and a young child. Both had terra-cotta skin covered in dirt and ash. The old woman wore a hand-woven dress, its colorful patterns stained by the war. The woman had grey hair, the little girl's a dark umber. Both had one blue eye and one brown.
I approached them, gun pointed.
The woman grasped the child tighter, both on the brink of tears.
Kill everything that moves I remembered. Even humans. Especially humans.
Two quick shots, that was all it took. Two shots that would kill immediately, a quick painless death.
I turned to see him there in the doorway, John. His face was filled with horror.
"What have you done?!" He screeched.
"What we were told to do," I said, my breath cut off.
"How could you- Oh my god- They were innocents!"
I clenched my teeth "I did what we were ordered, Lieutenant."
"You did," he breathed. "Oh my god, you did."
He snapped at me. "The right thing isn't always what you're told, Olivia!"
"If you aren't willing to take orders then leave!"
"I can't!"
The contract was the only thing keeping him there. He was going to retire after it ended in a year. He died before he could.
And the last conversation I had with him was telling him to screw himself. I never realized I was wrong until now. He had tried to tell me, but I didn't listen.

I rushed to Hadley, desperately needing to speak with someone. She was cooking dinner and seeing my distress immediately turned to me, her expression ready for anything.
"Hadley." I cried.
"Olivia?"
"I spent all my life following orders. I was a machine, following through with whatever terrible things they told me to do." I paused, sucking in air, I had to get this out. "But now that I have no orders to follow am I just an unused machine?! Who am I?!"
Hadley grabbed my shoulders in a desperate attempt to calm me down. "Just breathe ok? Breath!"
Strands of hair stuck to my teary face as I shook my head uncontrollably.
My mouth gaped, eyes widening as I saw John there in front of me.
"MONSTER!" He barked "MURDERER!"
I squeezed my eyes shut. I shouted "You're right! You're right! You're right!"
When I opened my eyes again I was in Hadley's arms. She held me tightly as we sat there on the kitchen floor.
I could tell the food was burning. I wanted to turn away, to no longer be a burden, but I couldn't move, all I could do was shake.
Hadley didn't tear away from me, even when the food was obviously past the point of being edible.
Feeling her warmth I came back to reality. I wanted to stay there forever.
After a few minutes, she pushed me back, in a gentle way that didn't feel mean. I looked into her kind eyes as she asked me, "What happened?"
I thought about it for a moment, letting the silence surround me. I planned my words in such a way that I would not fall into a spiral of tears all over again.
"J-" I gulped. "I killed innocent people."
"Why?"
"Because I was told to. Those were my orders."
She didn't respond.
"John told me, he told me that the right thing wasn't what I was told. That justice is not murder. I didn't even think of them as human. I-" My breath quickened and I could no longer squeeze out any more words.
"Olivia," Hadley stated.
I looked up at her "What?"
"That's who you are. You're Olivia."
I weaved my brows.
"You're not a monster. You are human. And John? He loves you."
I snarled "How do you know?"
"When I first got here I called up Sergeant Davids because he was listed as your emergency contact. He told me all I needed to know to be the best caregiver for you. He asked me to keep a certain thing secret."
I remained quiet, letting her continue no matter how much I wanted to yell.
"You were out for three months, you know that right?"
I nodded.
"Two of those months John was still alive. He was under heavy life support, recovering, they thought. But he died suddenly not much earlier than you woke up. Just before he flatlined he said he loved you."
"Me?"
"Yeah. But Davids didn't want to make you even more miserable, so he chose to hold it from you."
I looked down, trying my best to be understanding.
I got up to my feet. "The truth is more important than my feelings." I turned back, taking a few steps forward. "I don't wanna be kept in the dark."
Before I went upstairs, I looked back at her. "Thank you, Hadley. For all of it."