"We need to talk about Olivia" Elliot sighed entering the office of Donald Cragen.
"Hows she doing?"
"Not good, she needs help, Don. She needs serious help." He sighed, running his hand over his face. He was still in shock of what he had witnessed at her apartment.
"What do you suggest?"
Elliot remained quiet. He didn't know.
"ill send Huang over" Cragen sighed. he could see how torn Elliot was and he knew it had to be bad.
~~~~~~~~~
Olivia was sitting on her couch, another bottle tucked in between her legs. Her brain was a fog, just the way she liked it.
"Olivia?" A voice called out to her. She turned around laughing slightly upon seeing who it was.
"How did you get in?"
"Elliot gave me his emergency key." She hummed in response, taking another drink.
"How are you, Olivia?"
"Ok, what are you doing here George? Did Elliot send you?"
"Actually both Elliot and cragen. They are both worried about you and by the way, they described you I am too."
"Well don't be" she snapped
"There are other ways-----"
"Other ways" she snapped. "I felt my baby girl move within me, I felt her kicks, her hiccups. I talked to her every night, calmed her down so I could sleep. She was my last chance at motherhood. I loved her more than anything in this world."
"What do you mean last chance?"
"Well George if you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly a spring chicken" she quipped. "I'm over 40, my time is running out."
"There is always adoption."
"Don't you think I know that? I got turned down because of my job. Not a safe environment."
After a few minutes of silence, George could see the tears streaming down Olivia's cheeks as she softly sniffled.
"What are you thinking liv?" He pried gently
"This is my fault George, I couldn't protect her. I don't know what to do now." Tears streamed down her cheeks and George took a seat next to her, wrapping one arm around her shaking form. "I just don't understand. everything was fine. She was perfectly healthy all the times I went in for ultrasounds and now she's is gone."
~~~~~~~
"So what's the verdict doc, " Don asked standing behind his desk. Elliot was seated in a chair.
Olivia is severely depressed and I'm afraid if we don't intervene now, she's going to end up doing irreversible damage.
"What do you suggest?" Don asked
"Normally I would suggest therapy sessions but knowing Olivia, those things might not help. My first suggestion is to slowly get her back into work, start out with desk duty, keep her busy and I also want Elliot to keep an eye on her. Be there for her Elliot, she responds to you. She might try and push you away but its just her way of saying she needs you."
Elliot nodded his head, he wasn't going to let her hurt herself. He would do anything to protect her, deep down he loved her.
After work he used the spare key, letting himself into the dark apartment.
"Liv" he softly called out, he walked in noticing the tv still on and her tiny form curled under the blanket. He noticed she had something clutched in her hand, right over her heart beat. gently he pried it out of her tight grip, studying the grainy black and white photo. It took him a minute to realize what he was looking at and when he did, he felt his heart shatter into a million pieces all over again. It was Olivia's last sonogram photo of her baby girl, only 1 week before she was born and he remembered that day clearly. The baby was very much alive and kicking the crap out of her momma, he remembered how Olivia had cried seeing her little miracle up on the screen for what was the last time.
He still didn't understand what went wrong but he also had an uneasy feeling about the whole situation. The labor had progressed too quickly for anyone to get there in time and Olivia had some bleeding that had resulted in her passing out. They never let her see the baby after she woke up, they had told her the baby had already been taken to the morgue.
He would never soon forget the sound of her voice as it cracked as she told him the news over the phone. He had rushed to the hospital along with the rest of the squad, holding her in his arms as she screamed and cried as he had never seen before. He had never seen her break down like she did that day.
He stuck around, waiting for her to wake up. He wasn't sure how she would react to him being in her apartment.
As her eyes fluttered open a while later, his body tensed. he was sat in the chair next to the couch.
"El," she rasped in her sleepy voice that Elliot found very attractive. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to check on my best friend"
"You don't need too, I'm fine."
"Cut the crap Liv, stop saying your fine when you're so clearly not. Why won't you let anyone help you?"
She pursed her lips together, staring off to the side. There was a deafening silence for a few minutes before she spoke again.
"I just don't understand El" she whimpered. Her mocha eyes filling with tears. "She was fine, you saw her Elliot. My perfect little girl, you saw her move on the screen. You saw her move inside of me. I felt it, I felt her. Every kick, every somersault, every stretch. I couldn't wait to get those first moments with her outside of my body. It was my job to fucking protect her and I failed."
"Liv" he started, slowly moving over to the couch. "This wasn't your fault, these things just happen and nobody knows why. You didn't fail, not even close and your little girl knew she was loved right up until that day. "
"Really?"
"Yeah, every time she would calm down when mommy talked to her. The way she would move around just to let her momma know she was still there. She loved you, Olivia."
"I loved her" she whispered. "I loved her more than anything. When I first found out I was pregnant, I will admit I was terrified. Anything good in my life was always ripped from me, so I tried not to get attached but goddamnit Elliot, I fell in love and I wanted to be the best mother I possibly could to my baby girl."
"And now?" He gently pried
She vigorously wiped at her face, trying to dry her cheeks. "And now, I feel like a part of me is missing and all I want is to drink and make the pain go away. I yearn so much to just hold her in my arms, hear her cries. This isn't fair, my breasts fucking hurt because I'm still producing milk, the bleeding stopped but I'm still spotting. I'm never going to just hold her tiny body in my arms and I don't know if I can't handle that reality."
"You can Liv, we are all here to help you through this. No matter what, the entire squad has your back. They want you to come back to work, keep yourself busy and surround yourself with people that truly do care about you."
"When will this get better?"
"The pain isn't ever going to go away, but it will get easier. Its just going to take some time."
Wow ok, that was hard to write everyone, but i hope you enjoyed this chapter and ill try and have another one up soon :) as always, i appreciate reviews and i love you all
-Kate
