MENTAL HEALTH EXPERIANCES / ONLINE THERAPY

Depression and I

- Annonymous

Looking in the mirror: Whats that spot about? Ugly sh*t. Don't eat enough vegetables. Actually, if I were you, I wouldn't eat much more either. You're fat enough already, better if you don't put on any more pounds.

Depression is the self-depricating thought you get in a regular basis (self hate).

Depression when properly defined: 'Depression is a mental disorder that causes people to experiance a depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or apetite, low energy and poor concentration. Depression is different from feeling down or sad.'

Depression is often being confused in the modern era.

People are using depression as sort of 'oppression points', which is basically when you use something that generally would opress somebody too gain people's pity and attention. It sounds mad, but it is something that happens. People are also convincing themselves they have depression, because deep down they want to have these 'oppression points'.

That's why I want to clear a few things up here.

I have been struggiling with depression for years and luckily it has gotten a lot better since I've gotten help vire getting a therapist, etc... My depression makes me feel empty and unneeded. Like one day you're fine-ish, then you wake up without the desire to do anything.

It's like you suddenly have lost all of your energy.

The motivation to move, to do anything is lost and you find yourself lying there, mulling over all the thoughts in your mind which are all just calling you a fat slob, reminding you that you're unneeded in the grand scale of things. Then, when you finally push yourself to get up,

The proper self-hate starts.

Walking past a mirror all you see is some empty stranger staring back at you and your mind starts to unconciously pick out every single flaw you can find. Subconciously you start convincing yourself that nobody needs you and in the end if you just disappeared, people would forget who you were eventually.

Thoughts like: you are nothing, you are alone.

Making yourself get ready, like brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth and all those sorts of things cause you discomfort because why should you waste time on somebody who is as useless and empty as you? Why should you waste time and energy on somebody so pointless when there are so many others out there who deserve this better.

The desire to do nothing. 

Texting a mate to hang out because your bored? No way. They don't want to see you, because, why would they? You're just disgusting and they only hang out with you because they pity you. They're probably enjoying this time away from you. So just suck it up and deal with it, but don't eat. You're fat enough. Don't go on electronics. The electricity bill is high enough.

It's like falling into a black hole that you can't climb out of.

I didn't realise it was depression at first. Because they symptoms start slow, but then it just begins to esculate and the days drag out when all you want is too just sleep and shut it all out. The days in the dark last longer and the self-hate drags out until your finally tipped over the edge and just want to give up. 

That's when I told somebody, the best choice I could've ever made.

I texted 741 741, a texting mental health  crisis line. They talked to me and helped. I told a friend. They convinced me to tell my parents. I told my parents They got me a therapist. Now I am much happier. Now I feel so much better, though it is still there and I'll never be able to erase these moments from my history, I now understand that I should focus on today.

And live for tommorrow.

So, when all these people fake having depression on the internet, it fustrates me, because it underplays the need for mental health support and what a problem depression is becoming to young and old minds across the countries. 

Depression is a real issue. So just remember: you are loved.

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You can email me annonymously at:

emirality@gmail.com

I'll be there too help if you want to get things off your chest! 

Also email there too share your stories that will be added onto here! Adding name & age is optional!