In My Sister's Shadow-Book II

10. Turning into Dust.

Shaking slumber from the children, their faces were cold, their hands freezing I woke them. Their noses red, their hands freezing I rubbed their warmth into Zara's hands.
"Where's daddy?" She rubbed her eyes.
Carrying Aymaan in my arms with Armaan and Zara beside me, it was mum who opened the door. Her smile drooped into a frown when she saw my dishevelled state dressed in Zayn's jacket, my hair blowing in the wind. She stepped out reaching out to me, her hand warm and soft she touched my frosted face.
"Beti-" She asked with fear etched on her face like she knew.
Her eyes widened, and wrinkles appeared around her eyes evoking raw pain etched on my heart.
"Come inside-quickly." She ushered me into the house and took Aymaan from my arms.
It was the heat that instantly hit me once I stepped inside. Dressed in sky blue casual salwar kameez, dad appeared from the kitchen holding a mug of tea in his right hand. His reading glasses sat on the edge of his nose. He must have been reading the property section of the paper. A broken smile plastered my face.
"Look dad-I'm back." I held my arms out. "Look I've bought back the children-just like you wanted me to." Lifting Zara into my arms I handed her to him, his pride and joy; Zeenat's daughter.
"I did what you asked. Are you proud of me?"He watched me like a mad woman and placed his mug on the small hall table.
"I've bought back Zeenat's kids. Zayn's gone. He's left me and he won't be back." My voice chocked.
"What happened?" His eyebrows bunched together.
"Does it matter? The children are here, Zayn has gone. Nothing else matters, does it dad?"
Mum scurried the children inside the lounge.
"Come into the lounge, beti?"
"I'm not sad." I blinked repeatedly. I wasn't going to cry in front of him. "I did my duty as your daughter. That's what we've been taught to listen to our parents, to do what they tell us to do, to never say 'uff' to you. That's what I did dad-" my voice quivered refusing to support me. I had to stay strong.
"I did all for you dad. Everything I did to Zayn-" Tears chocked me, yet still I pushed through. "I made a plan and it worked. I did it all for you, to get rid of him. Staring at dad's wide eyes, I forged a smile. A sadistic chuckle left the back of my throat. "I broke him, dad. He's alone now. He's got no one. I've come back."
I paused waiting for an answer, a cheer maybe even a 'shabash' (well done).There was nothing.
"Zayn's given up dad. He's walked away. We did it. He cared about me, but I don't care about him."
"Then why are you wearing his jacket?"
He saw through me. It was pointless lying to him. My legs shivered, my knees gave way and and I collapsed onto the floor in a pathetic heap.
"I've done everything you asked me." I sobbed into my hands. Mum rushed towards me and kneeled beside me.
I looked at her with fury. "Why didn't you say anything, ammi? You were my mum, if dad was cruel, why didn't you love me?"
"Get up, my jaan-"
"No, leave me here ammi. Zayn trusted me, he loved me, and I let him down. I broke his trust. I've lost him, ammi -I've lost him forever."

*****

Back in my bedroom, everything was still in the same place. The purple beanbag in the corner, my favourite reading spot. I made my way to the window sill; the coffee stain ring was no more. Mum dusted and cleaned my room certain I would be home.
I lay on my single bed, staring at the ceiling. It dawned on me, I was home. Safe. Hours ago I was contemplating driving the van off a steep hill. It was the children who kept me alive. So much had happened in the space of a year. I'd changed. My marriage with Zayn changed the scope of the world and my family. I felt like a stranger in this room. I pulled his jacket tight around me and closed my eyes sniffing the fleece. It had an earthy smell of Zayn. His blood dotted the fleece. Where was he? Where had he gone? Zayn told me he was happy when I returned into his life to take care of him and his children and was ready to marry me. I thought he hated me. He's placed me on a pedestal and felt inferior to me as I 'read books.' He'd harboured intense feelings, that mine felt insignificant next to his. He needed someone to care for him and what did I do? I reported him to the police. I colluded with Kash to entrap him, and those cameras! Oh God. Those cameras I agreed to fit, if Zayn ever knew about that- I must tell him the whole truth. I had to be honest with him. I must mend the cracks. But on the other hand, omitting the information was tempting. We'd moved out, Kash wasn't in contact with me and that was in that past. Would I be a bad person, if I didn't tell Zayn? Yes, I made a mistake, I made a stupid decision, but now I knew Zayn's feelings, I know I was wrong. I needed to speak to Zayn. I had to apologise to him. He had to forgive me. There was so much I had to say.
In mum's bedroom, I grabbed the phone and dialled his number. I knew his number by heart. When he was in Bristol, I'd look at the mobile and read his number waiting for him to call.
"0796....."
His phone rang and went to voice mail.
"Zayn. Zayn, please answer. It's me. Zo'hra. I'm here at mum's house. I had nowhere- I'm waiting here for you. Please, don't leave like this. I didn't know you felt like this you didn't tell me anything please pick up call me I can't carry on I need you don't leave it like this-you don't understand everything-please call. Zayn-answer the phone." With that muddled pathetic message I hung up.
I rang again waiting for him to answer. He didn't. I rang again, and it went straight to voice mail.
"Zayn-please call me. I need to talk to you."
Mum came into the room her eyes bunched with worry, but I couldn't hear her. My fears drowned her words. I stood up and walked past her back into my bedroom ignoring her. I had nothing to say to her.
I wanted to be alone.
I was a mess.