Skinny Love

June, 1972

June 9, 1972

Freddie
"I really don't know why you're crying, love, but Daddy said that you just ate, I can't give you more food." I murmured while I bounced Lennon around, hoping that it would calm her down- she wasn't wet, and John said he had just fed her, but she sounded completely distressed. "I don't know how to help you." I whined, quietly, then I laid her in her swing and her crying got even louder- I was thankful that Roger and Brian weren't there, because I was embarrassed over not being able to calm her down.

I made a little noise while I looked at her, she was still swimming in her newborn clothes, and she looked more gaunt than other two-month olds that I had seen. Her skin was also getting darker and she was starting to lose her thick hair, it was really thinning and it made me kind of sad.

"What's going on with you, love?" I whispered, rubbing her cheek and watching as she followed my finger with her mouth, trying to get something to suck on. "Do you need your dummy? Daddy gives that to you a lot." I reached over to the coffee table and I grabbed the pink thing, holding it to her mouth until she started sucking on it- she went hard on it, like she was starving, and I felt bad for not being able to feed her. I didn't want to make her sick.

John came out of the bedroom and he grabbed a glass of water before taking two pills. He came to sit on the floor with me and I smiled before leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Why's she crying so much?" He asked, quietly.

"I think she's hungry again, love. I feel like I should give her a little snack or something." I murmured, stroking her little foot. "And I think I'm going to book her an appointment today, because she hasn't gotten any bigger since we brought her home- I feel like she's getting smaller." I breathed and he sounded like he was panicking a bit.

"No-no, Freddie, don't do that. She's fine, she's completely fine. She's getting bigger, I promise, I can feel it whenever I feed her!" He exclaimed in a panic. "She's fine, I promise." He whispered and I made a little noise while I frowned at him.

"Why... why're you freaking out?" I asked, holding his tiny body against my own- he had lost so much weight since Lennon was born, like she had, but he kept denying that he was sick again, and I was too afraid to ask for help.

"Just... she's fine. I know what I'm talking about, she just ate, she just cries because she's a baby." John murmured, taking her out of the swing so he could hold her. "Aren't you, Lennie? You're just a little baby, and sometimes babies cry- and sometimes babies take a while to put on extra weight." He cooed and her crying stopped for a moment- she was still crying when I put the dummy in, but his voice soothed her in a way that nothing else could.

I liked watching them interact, even though it was rare for them. John really did love her, and it showed, but part of me felt like he was afraid to connect with her- it was like he was worried that he'd get too close and that she'd leave, he always told me that people left him. I would never leave him, he knew that, but his father passed away when he was young, and he was worried about something like that happening with Lennon. His anxiety made him like that with most people, afraid to get close to truly connect.

"She misses you." I whispered and John smiled while cradling her closer to him- he kind of reminded me of a monkey, when they held their babies in the wild. They both kind of reminded me of monkeys... Lennon still had some baby fuzz on her, dark fuzz, and John had hair growing on his arms in response to depriving his body of basic nutrients. "She clings like a little monkey, doesn't she?" I giggled, softly, and John nodded before kissing the top of her head. "She still looks new, huh?" I needed him to reply, so I knew he was still there.

"She sleeps like she did when she was new, all curled up and stuff." He sounded childlike, full of awe and wonder while he looked at the baby. "She still puts her fingers in front of her mouth when she sleeps, too." He whispered and I nodded with a small smile- she had long, skinny fingers and she always covered her mouth with her hand. "She's getting dark, isn't she? Kind of like you." He observes, brushing her thinning hair with the side of his thumb.