EMISON: Memento Vivere (discontinued)

Chapter XIII

It was past ten in the morning when Emily woke up, seeing her mom already prepared their now cold breakfast. She's nursing a headache, add to that the fact how everything happened last night felt suddenly like a blur. It if weren't for her moms presence, Emily would have been inclined to believe that what happened last night was nothing but a dream. But the apartment still looks the same, her mom's still around. Yes, everything is still the same, which is precisely a reminder that she did see Alison last night, that they did make love inside her car. The last thought inadvertently lead Emily to trace her lips with her index finger.

"Emmy! Sweetie, I didn't notice you were awake, I'm sorry. I got busy doing your laundry. How are you feeling?"

Emily wanted to reply "like shit" but reminded herself that she's speaking to her mom which means she has to watch her language.

"Okay, I guess."

"You just missed Alexis. She went out to buy some tea for me."

"She's here," Emily said almost inaudibly, more like telling herself a fact. Much as she hate to admit, she was hoping it would be Alison whom she would first see the morning after. Despite the questions flooding her beautiful mind, she would trade for anything just to see her again. At some point, she felt awful, and on some level regretted how she treated Alison last night. "Get a grip, Ems." Emily thought to herself.

"And Ali? Do you know where she is?" Emily asked.

"There's Alexis! Honey, do you need help with the grocery bags? I thought you're just buying tea." Mrs. Fields chirped, deliberately avoiding Emily's question.

"Ems, I got you your favorite chips," Alexis said hesitantly, Emily not making any form of movement from where she's seated. Alexis' raspy voice stole Emily away from her reverie. Emily mumbled a short "thanks" and went on toying her food with her fork.

"It's okay, Mrs. F. I can, uh, take it from here. Do you mind if we... If I talk to Emily alone?"

"Of course. Sure, I'm still doing the laundry, so if you girls need anything you know where to find me."

"Hi," both girls said in unison, earning a dry chuckle from Emily. Alexis let out a short nervous laugh.

"I just dropped by to bring in the groceries. I should, uh, go." Alexis said as her voice cracked.

"No. Stay," Emily asked Alexis meaningfully.

"I can't... stay." Alexis stuttered through the short phrase. Did Alexis mean something else? Emily thought.

"Why not?" With this question, Emily raised her head and met Alexis' teary eyes.

"Close your eyes, Ems. I can't... I don't want you to see me like this. I have to go because... You need it."

"What about your needs? Don't you need me?" Had Emily uttered those words on a different day, it would've left Alexis feeling elated. But today's different. Yes, very different.

"What I need is not important. What you need means more to me than my own."

Emily tried to open her eyes but she felt Alexis warm, trembling hands cover her eyes. "Ems, just close your eyes please."

"I'm leaving for Paris the end of this week."

"You're leaving me too?"

"I have to. For my own sanity, I guess. I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you, Emily. I think I've made that clear to you. With my intentions, with everything. I used to tell myself that you can never love someone like me. How could someone so perfect like you love some damaged goods like me? It made no sense to me. But you did. Or at least I thought you did. But... You don't love me as much as you love her... Alison. I see that now." Emily cupped Alexis face, feeling Alexis tears wet her thumbs.

"That's not true..."

"It is true. She's been gone for 3 years and not once have I seen you look at me the way you looked at her." After a long pause, "you... clearly still love her. And I... Finally understand. It's like whenever you look at me, you're just remembering her. I keep telling myself it's stupid to compete with Ali's memories. But last night? That was a wake up call for me. I've always had those irrational fears, thoughts... What if she comes back? What if you've never really stopped loving her. She's back. Ali. There's no way I can ever amount to her. She's irreplaceable. And I'm just a... Substitute."

"That's not... True. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way, Alexis."

"No, babe. There's nothing to be sorry about. I pursued you. I wanted you. I knew what I was getting myself into. If there's one thing I wasn't prepared for... Was falling madly, deeply in love with you. And it fuckin hurts knowing you can never feel that way for me. Because god knows I tried. You had me at my best. And I..."

"I love you too, Alexis. I'm so very sorry. Every time I give myself a reason not to love Alison, I keep getting more reasons why I should love her... Still." Emily replied in a surprisingly honest tone.

"Alexis... Would it be cruel of me to ask you still to not leave? Think about it? I honestly thought what he have is good."

"I know... I know... I understand, believe me I do. Which is why I'm leaving." Alexis heaved a heavy sigh and continued, "you're a lot of beautiful things, Em. But definitely cruelty will never be one of your strongest suits. I need to do this while I have the adrenaline from last night. I thought of putting up a fight you know? Fight for my girl, my Emily. But how can I fight for a lost cause? How can anyone really? The moment both of your eyes met I knew I lost you to Alison already. Do you know what your first reaction was when you saw her last night?"

"No..."

"You moved your foot... Towards her."

"I don't remember doing that... Last night."

"I know babe. But I saw you. I felt your body motion towards her."

"What if we skip the part where I finally see, Alison?" Emily asked, eyes still closed.

"What if... We don't? I know you need answers why she left, or maybe even a closure."

Emily held her breath. "Please don't leave me too...

"I have to go Ems. While I'm still convinced that I can. That I should. Because I can't compete with Alison, Ems. She's Alison. And I'm just Alexis. That girl you met at the coffee shop."

"No, please. Aly... Alison will hurt me again. You've never hurt me... Til now. Stay, please?"

"You're not making this any easy for us both, Ems. I have to. You have to let me... I'm doing this for the both of us. So I can find a way to move on. And so you can have your time with Alison without me."

"There's no guarantee that Alison's staying. But you... You can decide to stay, can't you?"

"I'm choosing not to stay. I thought about this, Ems. For weeks. This is not a one-time-whim decision. I knew what I was getting myself into when I pursued you. And I had to make sure I know how to get out just in case."

Alexis continued, "we've had a good run. That's all. Good. But I don't want you to settle for anything... Or anyone less. So I'm giving way. This is... A very... Hard choice, Emily."

"I don't know what more to say, Alexis..."

"Then don't... say anything. I love you." and with these last words, Alexis stood and left Emily a kiss on top of her head and walked out of the apartment.

As if on cue, Mrs. Fields went back to the dining room to check on Emily and Alexis. Surprised, seeing Emily staring aimlessly towards the wall. Breaking the silence, Mrs. Fields asked, "where's Alexis?"

"Gone."