Not Fun

Hiding

Keeping a secret was so exciting. Although keeping a secret from your best friend was virtually impossible. He always asked where you were off to at random times and why you got home so late some days. You always said that you were at the library or grabbing a feed, hoping he wouldn't get suspicious. He knew when you were lying to him though, good actor, bad liar. He assumed you began sleeping with Hiddleston. He just didn't know why you were lying.

"Been at the library?" Tom was sitting on your bed in the dark. He wanted a cool James Bond villain feel but it was just straight up serial killery. You jumped backwards and yelped.

"Jesus! What are you doing in here, you weirdo?" You took off your coat, exposing the hickey on your chest. Tom clicked his fingers and pointed to it.

"Evidence! You've been hooking up with someone,"

"So?"

"Someone you're not supposed to hook up with, I assume," Tom smiled, he knew it.

"What do you know?"

"I know that getting caught bumping uglies with your professor could risk everything you've worked hard towards," he crossed his arms. Your shoulders dripped, the jig was up.

"How did you even know it was him?"

"You've been acting cautious. If it was Harrison would have called straight after...you both would have," Tom joked. You knawed at your lip, nervous about his habit of spilling secrets.

"Please don't tell anyone,"

"..I won't," he showed a sad smile.

"Tom-"

"I won't! I can actually keep a secret, you know," he nudged you. You let out a breath of relief, "so are you dating?" Tom needed to make sure he wasn't going to hurt you.

"Um..." you thought about every conversation you've had with Thomas. "I think.." not once did you even mention exclusivity. "Oh god."

"You're an idiot," Tom laughed.

"I am an idiot. Shit," you groaned into your comforter,"I hate talking about my feelings. My feelings are the worst,"

"Yeah," Tom laughed again but he wasn't happy. He was worried and nervous and jealous and feeling so many emotions all at once, "why didn't you tell me?" You hesitated. "Come on, it's the first time you've lied to me in..yonks. You even tell me things about your day which I really don't want to know sometimes," he talking about the days when you're constipated. You just felt that level of intimacy with him. You could tell him everything.

"I'm sorry...it's just so dangerous if people know," you cupped his hands, pleadingly, "please don't tell anyone Tom," you squeezed. He wouldn't. You were serious.

"Of course I'm not going to tell on you," he messed up your hair, "can we just hang out like we used to? Kebabs, Netflix, big blanket and then ice cream out the tub." You smiled at your trustworthy friend.

"Sounds amazing. And I'm definitely going to need it if I'm going to talk with him,"

And no boy talk, he wanted to so desperately say. It's getting harder and harder to hear about Thomas. How amazing he is. How enchanting he is. He's the perfect man...but he's so much older than you! He doesn't believe that you're really as comparable as you think. Thomas is going to break your heart. And that'll break Tom's too.

"What are you going to say to him?" Tom asked, you were both on the couch under a comfy duvet eating snacks.

"What?"

"What do you want? A relationship? With him?" He was being as nice as possible. You still felt hurt by the question. You knew it was completely crazy to consider dating your teacher given the circumstance but at the same time it was really exciting and you felt a connection with Thomas. He kept you stimulated.

"I don't know," your voice drifted. Trying to imagine what a relationship like that would be like. You probably couldn't even go out in public and display any affection towards each other in fear of being caught. Thomas you often just spoke to each other like friends, perhaps it was too early. Let him define it and if you're not happy with the outcome...then you leave. Classes are almost over, this trimester passed very quickly.

"How do you feel about him? Come on, you can use this as practise for the real thing, make up sex excluded. I know you have wandering hands," Tom winked to make you laugh and it of course worked.

"I like him but I don't know if I want to be with him because of his age and the differences we'll have later on if we do decide to get together. Everything is so perfect right now and I don't know if I'm ready but at the same time...I'm so tired. I'm tired of going out and hooking up with random people just to feel something intimate. The only connections I have are you and Harry and I just want something more," you paused, realising how lonely you felt. Tom understood it, the yearning for someone to hold you close and cherish you with every fibre of their being. He knew it was you. You were the only one that he could be open with about anything, it was always you.

*

Bringing up the conversation had to wait. You procrastinated talking to Thomas because you didn't want to lose whatever you two had, you didn't want to change. You were still separated by the Professor/Student obstacle. But one night, about a week after your nice 'slumber party' with Tom, you had a dinner with Thomas. It was in public at this really niche restaurant, it finally felt like a real date.

"Is there a reason why we're here?" You asked with the intention to reveal the relationship. Thomas smiled and brought out a big black flat box.

"We're celebrating. The term is over and exams are soon but I still am no longer your professor," he opened the box the reveal a cute locket necklace with your initials on it.

"Really?" You grinned, both at the sweet present at the news that you don't really have to hide anymore.

"Yes, we are no longer...you know, being creepy,"

"Yeah," it was like something clicked. Something finally set it in stone, so why weren't you thrilled?