I'm 19 years old but yet I feel as I've lived forever. I been through a lot of shit in life and yet I still don't understand how I did it. My name is Zoey and I'm the losers of four kids with a single mother. My mom had always made a way for us to have the things we wanted and needed but I don't always feel like she has been there enough. Everyday I wake up with the same thoughts: death and depression followed by constant anxiety that lurks over me all time. I find myself crying every night because each day is so fucking hard and nobody cares. I have a boyfriend but to me he doesn't really give a fuck about me because if he did he wouldn't lie to me and act as if it's okay. I know I should probably leave but then I would be completely alone in this cold world. I don't have many friends but I do have one though. Her name is Ashley. She's been there for me when I needed one and she may be the only person who understands me. A lot of people pretend to care about me but I know they don't. I do some things I know I probably shouldn't do but hey? Who doesn't? I swear I would kill myself if I didn't overthink it too much. I think I just really wanna be happy but it's impossible in every way possible. I'm a senior and I'm failing and I've really stopped caring about it. I'd rather smoke all my pain away but there aren't enough drugs to cure this pain that lives inside of me. I just wanna scream and cry all the time but good would that do? I get so frustrated with myself because my self esteem is low. I have all these dreams that I know I will never be able to accomplish and that hurts me even more. I just wish I was normal like everyone else. But I'm not fortunate to be that, I have a nice phone and o thought that would make me feel normal but I still feel so separated from this world so I stopped caring but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on so much in life. I've made bad choices on pinto try to fit in I've won and lost friends and I stopped caring about them. There's nothing worse than feeling so empty in this world. God, I'm so pitiful the girl that is so low about herself. I'm not even sure why I keep checking my phone to see if I have a text message from my boyfriend that is obviously not coming. After being stood up I feel angry and hurt but I have to keep telling myself I'll be okay and to just try to be happy but I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wish these thoughts would leave my head so I'm sharing my story with the world.
