broken minds *contains very harsh content*

chapter 1

authors note: *this book/story is filled with suicidal thoughts, depression and many other deep, sad topics, if you are sensitive to ANY of those things please do not read this story for that's all this is about, thank you. but i also want to explain a little bit before i get started. this story is filled with notes, my words... i've been in a very rough spot in my life for a long time now and i feel like writing about it and putting it out there will help me get it off of my chest a little. i want the world to know that depression isn't a joke, mental illnesses isn't a joke, abuse physical or emotionally, violence, assault, anything horrible and bad that people in this world go through, isn't a joke! so this story is about how my mind itself works and yes it's very dark and some people might not like it, and if you don't, simply leave this story, thank you... the beginning starts now.*
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i'm sorry...
i'm sorry, to anyone who has fought this battle with me this whole journey of battling my depression. i've tried so fucking much to get rid of all the sadness and anger built up inside of my body i can't take it anymore... i can't take it anymore. i live everyday not knowing the difference between my head and reality. my head is trapping me, it's my own demon i'm trying to battle everyday of my life, but it gets stronger, and stronger every damn day and i don't know how much longer i can fight this battle. i just, want to die... i want to join god a little earlier than everyone else. if it wasn't for god, i would've given up so long ago. it's gotten to the point where everything i touch, feel, let into my life, becomes broken... i ruin everything in my path. i'm so toxic to everyone around me. and i'm sorry to people i've hurt, i'm so sorry... i'm scared to fall in love because every time i do, i become even more broken, even more damaged. and if i become even more damaged than i am now, i'll be dead. i'm already basically dead, i walk around everyday with really no point in doing so. i feel, dead, gone. and god i'm so thankful for the people i have in my life, i love them with all i have. i'd do anything for any of them. but, i feel like everyone would be better off without me here... i want to be gone... i don't want to be here anymore... i hate myself. i'll never find love, i'll never find my purpose it feels like... i'm sorry, to anyone who believed in me. i'm sorry to anyone i've hurt... i need god's help more than ever now. i want to give up, i would do anything to die, and leave everything behind, everyone would be so much better off without me. i'm just a toxic human being here. i hurt everyone, in the cause of drama, i'm just an extra mouth to feed that doesn't even fucking want to be here so why do i even bother to eat... why do i bother to waste my parents and grandparents money... why do i bother to do fucking anything for anyone anymore? why do i bother to make plans, why do i bother to have people in my life when all i do is cause fights and bring them down... i'm completely fucking worthless. why the fuck do i keep trying?! why the fuck do i keep moving on when there is fucking nothing to move on from anymore. im so fucking alone. i'm a waist of time, space, and energy. everyone i love just fucking leaves me and gives up. i love too hard, i love people i shouldn't love. i care about people i shouldn't care about. and i'm sorry if you're angry at me for that i'm so sorry. i wish i could control my heart, my head and my soul. but i can't anymore. i hate that i care so much, i hate that i'm losing more and more people i love everyday. i'd just be better off gone and no one understands that whenever i say it. they always tell me being here is worth it, staying here is worth it. why? why is it worth it? why is it worth it for me to stay here? i'm literally the most worthless person to ever walk on this fucking planet... i'm worth nothing anymore to anyone. i just, wish i could completely give up and god would just let me go...
~10/14/19~