published: 23-11-18
Started: 17-12-2017
Edited: 24-12-17 (twice)
Sometimes I think that I've stopped loving entirely.
---
Sometimes I believe that people have just stopped caring back.
I think I've stopped believing a long time ago, and I don't think there's anything they can do to stop me from thinking it's true.
So, I've stopped too."
---
This is a story about a girl and how she wished death upon herself.
Death is an entity, not a noun.
He is the angel placing the mark on you, death has never been the monster in your story. He's your salvation for a life not worth living in.
×××
"May."
"May."
"MAY!"
"I swear if your not awake I'm pouring my tea on you."
"AGH!", I scream waking up soaked in tea. "What the fuck!?", I shout at her. "Can't you just let me sleep?? Leave me alone and go bother someone else." Tea stained and sticky I try to fall back asleep and give my sister a chance to leave.
"You should have come downstairs when I called you. I need water. Bring it to me.
Now."
I didn't respond.
Meet my older sister, she has a college degree on being a psychopath.
"Five."
"Four."
"Three."
"Two."
I still didn't respond hoping she'd leave me alone and go.
"One." She threw the cup towards my head, grabbed me by the hair, told me to get my ass down and start getting her water or there would be things other than metal cups flung on me.
This is when I'll most probably get my first suicidal thought of the day.
Meet me. A 16-year-old teenager who lives in a dysfunctional family and the first thing on every list of hers is to kill herself.
I sigh, like usual." bitch" I mutter under my breath. "What did you just say?" She asks.
Typical everyday question if you ask me. And I gave her the same generic answer. "Nothing. I said nothing... Can I at least clean the tea off of the bed and myself which you poured?" "No. Get me the fucking water then let's see what bullshit you can do about your sheets." The same gods-damned thing every day, it becomes annoying. This is usually when my second suicidal thought comes.
I wouldn't consider myself an 'emo' or a 'goth'. I'm not into all of that. I can't write for anything, including for the only living creature I love. My hamster. She's 2. I know she's going to die soon. So am i. I hope.
I also don't wear 'gothy/emo' clothes. I wear whatever I find hanging around. I wear it and I still get compliments on how I look. Sometimes I wonder if everyone has just lost their eyesight and have gone blind.
I also wear glasses and you'd never find glasses on an emo aesthetic board, would you now?
I'm the typical everyday next door girl who reads, watches TV shows and never leaves her house. The only abnormal thing about me is that I curse. A lot. And I fail most of my classes, even with the number of books I read. I guess it's not that abnormal given my suicidal thoughts. Now is usually when I have my third thought of the day.
I get my ass downstairs to get said psycho sister a glass of water because she can't walk to another room to fill one up but she can walk all the way upstairs to get me to do it.
Leaving it in her room which is conveniently downstairs.
This is usually my mom's cue to call for me because she knows I'm there now.
Fourth suicidal thought. I usually don't keep count. I don't know what's different today.
"What do you want?" I roll my eyes. I'm still covered in sticky, sweet tea wishing I was sleeping or reading than down here.
"Can you get me the TV remote?"
"It's literally right next to you..." I say from the doorway.
"I know", she says with a smirk.
"Then reach for it yourself", I say turning back around to walk upstairs. "Get me the fucking remote." She says through gritted teeth. I'm halfway to the stairs. Fifth suicidal thought begins. "No... Go get them yourself." I bring the shit I get later onto myself. She starts shouting and calls me useless and how she doesn't know why she gave birth to me and how I'm a useless piece of shit and how I should kill myself already. "Cool" I shout back. I'm walking up the stairs. I heard the same shit almost my entire life and it still gets to me. Like I said... Dysfunctional family.
I can't sleep now. I have tea on my body and my bed's stained with it. Who's fucking fault is that huh? I'm still going to have to clean it up. Sigh, sixth suicidal thought of the day. It hasn't even been ten minutes since I woke up. Or shall I say harassed into waking up? Sounds the same to me. Thank God it's a Sunday. I can at least try to ignore them and do my work. Saturdays are my worst days. Too many psycho hormones go off around the house.
I don't know why I haven't cut myself yet. I should be in fucking rehab for all the bullshit karma throws at me. But I'm not, I don't know why. Sometimes I contemplate running away, except I don't have the money for running away. Which means no food and no good wifi. Which means actual painful death in my language. I will not live in a world where I can't get good wifi, food or sleep. I will not live in a world like that. Thus me still staying at this house...
And the two reasons I haven't already killed myself yet? For the books, I still have to read and self-harming hurts. Especially if I survive said self Harming, so here I am... Living the dream life. Sigh.
A/N
hope you like?
I usually don't post things this dark
BLESS YOUR SOULS FOR READING MY WRITING
Hopefully i won't come out and write again for a couple decades goodbye and hope you had a great dayy
