By Chance

Chapter Forty Eight

"Gusto ko na lang mamatay."

The bitterness of my words—I tasted it every breath. Every word felt like a punch in the gut, parang sinusugatan din ang bawat sulok ng bibig ko papunta sa lalamunan ko.

The next thing I knew, Unique already left me inside the room, all alone—crying, shattered and I don't even know how I can ever complete myself.

Such a human.

Such a destroyed human.

***

Kinagabihan, hindi muna ako nag-allow ng bisita, aside kay Kirs dahil siya ang nagbabantay sa'kin. Sinabi ko na rin naman kila Jillian na okay lang ako at mag-brainstorm na lang sila ng ideas para sa film kung hindi nila ako kayang iwanan sa ospital. Gusto ko pa rin namang makatulong sa film kahit pa paano.

No'ng wala akong magawa, nag-check muna ako ng messages, wala naman masyado bukod sa kalokohan ng mga kaibigan ko. Sinabi ko na kasi kila Kirs na huwag ipaalam kahit kanino, pati kila mama dahil panigurado pauuwiin lang nila ako dahil may ganitong nangyari.

In any way, I was getting sick of it already. The old messages asking if I'm okay, if I can still do it—because honestly, hindi ko na talaga kaya.

I was losing.

I keep on fighting and battling with all these demons, but I just keep on losing. If I'll repeat it over and over again, that therapy did me good, I'd just probably rot in hell for being the greatest liar of all time.

Because it didn't. Maybe a little. But it didn't.

It's hard to be a sad person.

It's harder when you try your best to not be a sad person, but always end up being a sad person.

"Cass." Napalingon ako kay Kirs, totally appreciating myself dahil walang luhang tumulo sa mga mata ko. Pinilit kong ngumiti. "Sorry ha."

Napakunot ako ng noo, "Ha? Bakit?"

Napa-buntonghininga siya, "Nakaka-guilty kasi," sambit niya. "Sana hindi ko na lang 'yun ginawa out of emotional outburst."

Napangiti ako nang bahagya, "Gano'n naman talaga ang buhay, may mga desisyon tayo na later on, sobrang magre-regret tayo nang paulit-ulit. Na pakiramdam natin, kahit ano'ng gawin natin hindi na mawawala 'yung sugat sa'yo, parang ayaw nang maghilom kahit paulit-ulit mo nang gamutin. Nakakapagod, 'di ba? We keep on regretting half of our lives, not even knowing if we could still move on. Kahit subukan man nating kalimutan na lang ang lahat, at the end of the day, mapapaisip na lang tayo kung bakit natin 'yun ginawa."

"It's inevitable, Kirs. We're humans. We make bad decisions."

It sucks kasi paulit-ulit ko nang sinabi.

But probably... the biggest regret I've ever made is not dying.

Sobrang sirang-plaka ko na siguro, for always wishing for my own death. Takot din naman ako sa kamatayan, pero pakiramdam ko hindi na rin siya takot sa'kin kahit ano'ng gawin ko. Kahit subukan kong maging matatag.

Nag-usap kami ni Kirs nang saglit lang at umalis na rin siya para dumiretso muna sa hotel na tinutuluyan nila. I was getting suffocated dahil pakiramdam ko unti-unti akong iniipit sa kwarto dahil parang ang liit-liit kaya tumayo ako para lumapit sa bintana at buksan iyon.

Napangiti ako nang bahagya habang pinagmamasdan ang pagkutitap ng mga bituin sa kalangitan.

I wonder how it feels to give light to someone else's darkness, dahil panigurado hindi ako gano'n. Kahit ilang beses kong subukan, I'm still darker than anyone else's darkness.

So dark that sometimes I feel that, this isn't me anymore.

Nakaka-miss ding maging masaya, but maybe this is what I'm destined for.

I pushed the windows more to have a wider view outside at saka itinuntong ang mga paa ko may bukana ng bintana. Walang tao sa baba kaya hindi na rin ako kinabahan, o kung ano man.

Wala rin namang pipigil sa'kin.

I was about to jump when suddenly, someone opened the door and pulled me inside with full force. Hindi ko na napigilang mapaiyak.

Pusanggala. Siguro pwede na'ko sa Guinness Book of World Record for the most number of failed suicide attempts.

"You don't need to die to be happy and peaceful," the voice said. I turned around to see who 'saved' me from my supposed to be last hardship.

She smiled.

"Don't waste your time for someone else's, or because you can't do it anymore. Someday it will all be worth it," she said, fixing her scrubs. "Hi, I'm Crystal... and I'm sorry."