Pause

3

I was sitting in the cafeteria, it was deserted expect for me and another boy on the other side of the room, taping away on his laptop. I crossed my arms and rested them on the somewhat sticky surface of the table, and then I set my chin down on them. The cafeteria was shaped like a rectangle. There were three vertical rows of tables surrounded by chairs, leading all the way to the end of the room where the buffet sat. The only noise was the distant tapping of a computer keyboard and the dull hum of the harsh florescent lights.

I’d been here for an hour already and stared at the ceiling for the better part of it. I couldn’t bring myself to read, or even listen to music. At the last moment I decided I didn’t want to go to second period, I didn’t really have friends in that class so it would be even worse than math when at least I had Olivia. Well, there was Ryan, but somehow I wasn’t very comforted by that.

 I would get a call home from the school and a machine would announce that I had been absent from second period in a monotone voice. Since I typically walked home right after school, I got home before my mom and it would be easy enough to delete the message before she checked. Although today, I didn’t think she’d care that I’d skipped. After all, she was the one who told me I didn’t have to do anything I wasn’t ready for.

I observed a fly that landed by my hand. It wiggled its little arms—or whatever those were. It was a shiny greenish-black colour. 

I heard a deep voice come from behind me. “Raven?”

It flew away.

I turned around and, to my surprise, was met by Ryan. His brown bangs hung limply over his dark brown eyes, he pushed them away. He smiled, but it looked more like a grimace. His white teeth stood out starkly against his dark skin.

I cleared my throat before saying “Ryan, hey.”

“I, uh, didn’t know you were at school today.” He rubbed the back of his head when he said this. It was something he did when he was nervous.

“I only went to first period so far.”

“Yeah, me too,” he said. I guess he’d skipped too.

“So what’s your excuse for skipping?” I smirked at him.

“I didn’t finish my essay,” he admitted sheepishly. “So… How… How are you?”

“Fine.” There was that word again. Fine.

“I called you, a lot”

“It’s just been a hard week.” Was he expecting me to apologize or something? Because that wasn't happening.

"Right, of course.”He took a few steps towards me and stopped when he was right beside me. Ryan was already a foot taller than me, but sitting in the chair with him standing over me, I felt like even more like a dwarf than usual.

He looked slightly terrified. Not to mention, the conversation felt off. Awkward. Something I wasn't used to when it came to me and Ryan. What happened to me was awful, but I didn't want it to change anything between us. Same with Olivia. The last thing I needed was for my friends not to feel comfortable around me. Right now, more than ever, I just needed things to go back to normal. I tried to tell him this.

“Raven,” he said, before I could get anything out, rubbing his head again. “I’ve, um, got to now, babe. Basketball practice.” He began walking away backwards. 

I looked at incredulously. He was leaving? God, the bad thing about Ryan was that he was always pretty insensitive and not good at dealing with things. Things like your girlfriend almost getting raped. Things like your girlfriend’s brother dying. The worst part was, he didn’t even have basketball practice today, let alone in the middle of a class.

"Ryan, wait. Look I know that with, um, everything that's happened, things are-well, weird. But I-I need normal," I said in a rush.

He pursed his lips, looking a bit confused. Geez, Was I even making any sense? I took a deep, steadying breath. "What I mean, is that I don't want things to be awkward or anything. I'm still me. You don't need to act on edge whenever you're with me or look at me funny. I'm getting that from everyone, I don't need it from you too." I hated that my voice was shaky and that my lip trembled when I finished talking.

His eyes widened slightly and he kneeled so we were at eye level.

"Raven, don't worry, that's not going to happen." He leaned over and planted a quick kiss on my lips. Now smiling, he said, "I've missed you." The smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

I smiled back; however, I got the feeling that it didn't really reach my eyes either. "Me too.”

***

Ryan and I started dating at the beginning of tenth grade. Before that, we had been sort of friends. We had hung out a couple of times and flirted a bit. I was totally head over heels for him. Finally, a couple weeks into tenth grade he asked me out, and it just went on from there. This was before Ace died. That happened at the beginning of summer, after grade ten had ended. To be perfectly honest, he wasn't very comforting during the time afterwards. Sure, he held me when I would start crying spontaneously, but it always felt forced; he would go stiff, he wouldn't say anything. It also felt like he was avoiding me during those first few months after it happened. I barely saw him at school, he rarely texted me back. And that was a time when I needed him to be there for me.

After a few months of a strained relationship, things slowly returned to normal. It probably had to do with the fact that I stopped going to him for comfort regarding Ace. Even after the awkwardness slipped away, being with him still felt forced, as it had been feelings for a few months. It was like the cycle of most teenage relationships: friendship, “love”, getting distant and/or heartbroken, and finally you become strangers. But by then, we had been together for almost half a year. So I tried to make it work. Some of the initial magic I felt every time he talked to me or touched me was gone, but there was still a spark, and I had been willing to not give up on it.

So here we were, still together, mid way through eleventh grade.

Although, lately, I found I had to remind myself why exactly I started liking Ryan in the first place. Sometimes, I even found that I couldn't quite remember.