Pines

Continued...

I laughed a lot, like a little child experiencing the joy of swinging the swing too high for the first time, and he laughed with me- his face as beautiful as I remembered it. His eyes smiling with a dull glow- I'll never know how much of his happiness was true and how much was habit but I prayed to God that the time I spent reveling in the purest form of joy was something he shared too.

Meeting him today had been nothing less than a miracle. I, for one, had not been in a state to go anywhere or do anything. I had been smoking a lot and drinking too, all the while taking an increased dose of my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. 

In the morning when I smoked one cigarette after my parents had left for their work-places, I experienced a dull ache at the back of my head, I thought it came from the lack of sleep- so I drank my usual cup of coffee and waited for the pain to settle down, but that didn't happen. It only increased with time, and by the time it struck nine I had the worst nausea ringing in my brain. 

I knew something was wrong, previously in the year I had recorded symptoms of early Parkinson's and my parents had allowed the doctors to give me a very minor form of a brain surgery- Deep Brain Stimulation- as it was called. Only I was just a trial for something of a lower order. There was a miniature, microscopic electrode in my head and I was supposed to take great care with anything that I took, which directly impacted my brain. I could drink and smoke, but only to a small extent- also my anti-psychotics demanded absolute abstain from alcohol- but I had been neglecting these things for the past few days. 

It was having its impact now; there was no one at home except my grandmother, with my head aching as though it had been struck by a hammer, I called my father and uttered some words, asking him to come home quickly for I wasn't feeling well. I blacked out then. 

A wave of heat rose to my face, my brain seemed to explode as everything turned white and I fell down on the floor. When I woke up I was in the hospital. 

I texted him, telling him not to come as I wasn't well- it broke my heart to do so, but I didn't think then that I would be let off from the hospital. The doctors didn't know why I had had my epileptic episode, I didn't tell them either- but after having my vitals checked they thought it best for me to go home and take rest. 

And so we met after all;  I had not thought that after all the pain I had been experiencing from our separation anything would cheer me up let alone energize me. But I was wrong. I would see him.  I would hold him and hear his voice. 

The simple thought filled me with such life as I had never before experienced- I was as chirpy as a bird, flying around with my unseen wings, whistling a tune no one could hear. Despite myself, I painted my dull eyes and wore lip rouge and I smiled to myself as the thought of him filled my heart with unmatchable warmth.

And as we walked in the woods alone- just the two of us, I was in a heaven of my own, with my small hand in his grasp. 

"What am I here for?" He asked me.

My heart sank, I remembered that even though he was with me, we were not together. I didn't want my sadness to ruin the few hours I would spend in his company, I didn't let the distress show on my face so I smiled slyly, my heart sucking in the blow. 

"You're here to give me my one last kiss before we depart as friends," I said. 

The words haunted me, I held myself from crying, I was too exhausted, I had to do something, so I hurriedly pecked his lips with mine. 

"No," He said, not attempting to kiss me back.

So I had really lost him.  We sat down upon the dry turf, I laughed and asked him for a smoke, he always carried some- but he refused to give me any. He didn't know I needed it.

I needed it because alone, without something numbing my brain, I would not be able to hear him say what he was about to. The words that would tear every ligament, every atom in my body without anyone noticing. 

So I smiled and joked and although I don't remember what I said anymore, I know it was all an act. But then he asked something that saved me from the death I was already mapping in my mind, he asked, "So are you ready to bear with me all your life?"